LIFE 101: Live and Learn

Unconscious Mutterings 12/08

2008-12-22T16:16:00.001-08:00

Free Association:

Carpet :: bagger

Bottoms :: tops

Music :: play

Nails :: polish

Watch it! :: Be careful!

Your life :: is short; live it well.

Candies :: sugar

Chafing :: uncomfortable

Svelte :: thin

Ding :: dong

Long time no Blog

2007-10-14T00:40:00.000-07:00

it's been over a year since my last entry...even Unconscious Mutterings lost their appeal without Brian's responses to compare them with. My depression deepens; I'm in an untenable situation and feel unable to escape; my old "friend" never contacted me after her awful disinitgration of our friendship; I've lost all of my other friends thru moves or my lack of followup; my therapist left me to become a jeweler; I had to stop seeing my psychiatrist of years because of his misdiagnosis and malpractice which caused Brian to kill himself; I have new medical/psych professionals but it's so hard to start over...;I am an orphan with no family--after growing up with an overwhelming family this makes holidays and crises horribly lonely, with no family or close friends with which to spend time or talk to...

But actually this entry was inspired by having taken a bizarre personality test at the Deviant Art website (i was going to put a link to it but lost it altogether, as well as my results...probably just as well); according to their ratings I was not a mentally healthy camper. Well, that's probably true. Oh well.

I do have one close friend who lives 6 hrs away but with whom I email nearly daily; if it weren't for him, I think I might have already disappeared from this plane of existence...you know who you are...with thanx & love...

Unconscious Mutterings, #84

2006-10-02T14:22:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ...?

Taxes :: death and
Hooray :: boo
Justification :: manipulation
Shocking :: reality
Bureaucracy :: absurd
Porn :: perverted
Silly :: stupid
DJ :: music
Swing :: vote
Anti- :: against

Unconscious Mutterings, #83

2006-09-24T08:35:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Bell :: ring
Abuse :: verbal
Relief :: fund
List :: Virgo
Concern :: care
Absolute :: fixed
Cling :: suffer
Dump :: landfill
Terminate :: end
Wine :: tasting

Unconscious Mutterings, #82

2006-09-17T02:17:00.000-07:00

I say... and someone thinks ... ?

Running :: walking
Alternative :: choice
Cope :: deal
Lots :: plenty
Sympathetic :: understanding
Barn :: door
Totally :: completely
Baby :: tiny
Undeniable :: rights
Watermelon :: rind

Unconscious Mutterings, #81

2006-09-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ...?

Wiggle :: squiggle
Face :: about
Adjustable :: flexible
Room :: space
Easy :: hard
Store :: shop
Maid :: nurse
9 pm :: record show
Challenge :: opportunity
Debt :: owe

Unconscious Mutterings, #80

2006-08-27T11:08:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ...?

Visit :: ocean
Cake :: eat it too
Period :: question mark
Triumphant :: return
Screen :: movie
Neglect :: abuse
Guitar :: string
Loathe :: hate
Sugar :: free
Montage :: collage

Well, we all knew it...

2006-08-21T00:09:00.000-07:00

I took this little test for fun, just to see what it would say; here are the results:

Are You Normal?

Your Normalcy Quotient is: 34 out of 100.

Your quiz results make you a Marvelous Maverick

Giddy-up partner. You're a maverick and don't know what the definition of normal is. That's a-okay because you're now part of a fascinating group of desperadoes. Wherever you ride, it's sure to be off the beaten path because it's way more fun to find the path least traveled.

Take this free personality test by going to www.chatterbean.com/runormal/

Unconscious Mutterings, #79

2006-08-20T12:06:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Cruel :: punishment
Jive :: talk
Weak :: tired
Understand :: empathy
Bum :: luck
Stairs :: hurt
Tone :: muscle
Quickly :: rapidly
Moment :: magic
Beating :: heart

Unconscious Mutterings, #78

2006-08-13T16:33:00.000-07:00

I say ..., and you think ... ?

Kim :: Novak
Designate :: less work for the designator
Liner :: eye
Weed :: whacker
Infusion :: intrusion
Nutritious :: delicious
Favorites :: undecided
Transform :: radically change
42 :: young (sigh)
Sunday afternoon :: dislike

Audio Player: Bly Lauritano-Werner's Award-Winning Radio Report

2006-08-07T09:09:00.000-07:00

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Deluded? I Don't Know Her...

2006-08-06T16:02:00.000-07:00

I have come to the conclusion that my friend (see previous entries) has had some kind of extreme shift of perception. It is as though she has no heart, no compassion any more. Because she read someone else's email, which was inappropriate to begin with, she drew a conclusion which was also inappropriate. This has caused her to claim, "It's over. Done," about our friendship. And reportedly, she's "never been so happy." Something is really wrong, really twisted here. The friend I knew would never behave in such a way, without even talking to me. I know she's written off men like this before--but our relationship was entirely different. I guess if she had the capacity to cruelly cut off relationships with men--it shows she had this capacity to be unfair and heartless. The fact that she didn't have the courtesy to speak to me face to face, and instead wrote emails or conveyed messages through other people shows she's a coward as well as delusional. I mourn the loss of the person she used to be, my close friend of the heart...

Unconscious Mutterings, #77

2006-08-06T15:54:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Affair :: of the heart
Package :: open
Warner :: Time
Drop :: Box
Balance :: beam
Shore :: ocean
Confirmation :: number
Nose :: ring
Talking :: listening
Bend :: over

Unconscious Mutterings, #76

2006-07-30T07:35:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Italy :: boot
Honk :: your horn
Shades :: colors
Tool :: box
Modern :: times
Tension :: headache
Conservative :: Liberal
Weight :: loss
Insurance :: company
Political :: agenda

Unconscious Mutterings, #75

2006-07-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Requirements :: unnecessary
Pizza :: dough
Dating :: I wish
Issue :: magazine
Sharp :: pointed
Distinguish :: enumerate
Remote :: control
Felony :: crime
Exercise :: impossible
Choose :: me

Unconscious Mutterings, #74

2006-07-16T06:58:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Video :: store
Fantasy :: Island
Homework :: excuse
Crush :: flatten
Late :: Show
Husband :: wife
Soccer :: ball
Wine :: tasting
Before :: after
Romantic :: hopeless

Unconscious Mutterings, #73

2006-07-09T07:23:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Face it :: she hates me
Healthy :: unhealthy
Cartoon :: character
Device :: thing
Raider :: Oakland
Closer :: farther away
Admission :: ticket
Culture :: shock
Stakes :: betting
Heartbroken :: me

Unconscious Mutterings, #72

2006-07-01T22:26:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

That :: Girl
Fishbowl :: goldfish
Church :: steeple
All about :: nothing
Fist :: fight
Tagline :: advertising
Agree :: disagree
Leak :: water
Jessica :: Simpson
Superman :: Clark Kent

Unconscious Mutterings, #71

2006-06-26T13:11:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Newspaper :: comics
Crucify :: Jesus
Sausage :: links
Handy :: dandy
Cloak :: and dagger
Drunk :: sober
Fuel :: prices
Caress :: touch
Itch :: scratch
Vehicle :: transportation

Painful proof of impermanence

2006-06-18T06:08:00.000-07:00

A friend of 30 years just wrote me off, in a very cruel way.

In the past, we've always been there for each other in good and bad times. Lately, she's been there a lot for me, as I've gone through one tragedy after another over the past few years.

Apparently she has been very stressed out about it. However, instead of looking at her reaction to the situation, she blamed me for making her feel guilty. She basically abdicated her role as my friend. In an email. She didn't have the guts, the sensitivity, to have us talk in person.

And as if that wasn't enough, before signing off, she ripped everything about me and my life to shreds. If she had been fair and accurate, that might have been one thing, but she was so far off base, lacking information, making uninformed accusations and judgments, that it was extremely painful.

The upshot? She's had enough of me. She's been "neglecting" her other friends. She ended with a wish for me (her "prayer") and didn't sign the email with love.

Fortunately, my therapist helped to confirm that much of what she said was inappropriate and incorrect. There were some truths, things we've been working on--and will continue to work on--in therapy. But overall my therapist gave me much-needed support in the form of a reality check. My former friend was 'way off base in what she said, and to do this at all, epecially the way she did.

She's been there thru all the losses and deaths, starting with my first accident, my dad's stroke, then his death, then the big accident with Brian on the day my nephew died, the loss of my brother's communication for 3 years, my mom's death, dealing with her estate, two moves, Brian's mania, and then Brian's death (on the same day my great-aunt died at age 102).

Now I have to add another huge loss to this list--my closest friendship, of 30 years. It would be much easier if she had moved away or even died, but because she chose to sever our heartline with cruelty, it's even harder.

She forgets about the 30 years I listened to and supported her when she obsessed about her latest dilemma or affair. I tried to help her then, without judgment, because I knew that's who she is. And like that quote about friendship (=taking the wheat and chaff together, gently blowing away the chaff and holding close the essence), I loved her and tried to be the best friend I could be even when the situation and/or obsession was extreme.

The fact that she has so many delusions about who I am and what I do is astonishing and disturbing. The fact that she feels she has to judge and give advice about things that aren't even true and are none of her business, is inappropriate and sad.

I mourn the loss of her friendship.

All things are impermanent

Unconscious Mutterings, #70

2006-06-18T06:04:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Voice :: mail
Us :: them
Passionately :: dispassionately
Humbly :: pridefully
Love songs :: make me cry
Dim :: bright
Calendar :: girl
Careless :: whispers
Block :: Island
Goal :: oriented

Drowning in Tears

2006-06-04T12:19:00.000-07:00

I miss Bri so incredibly much...I feel as though I'm living, alone, in the home we were supposed to have together. Even though I moved, so I wouldn't get triggered by living in our old apt., I think of him all the time. Every morning I wake up and turn toward his side of the bed, expecting to see him there; when he isn't, the harsh reality of my life without him sets in...

This Friday, June 9, is the first anniversary of Mommy's death. I miss her so much; I have needed her so much this year, to help me through the horrible times I've been through. But ironically, her death is one of the most horrible and painful events of my life...

Wednesday, when I have surgery, no one will be there to go with me or stay with me or visit me in the hospital Wednesday night or help me get home...Brian was so wonderful--he was always there to support and help and love me.

I think one of the worst feelings I know is to feel unloved.

The flood of tears continues...

Unconscious Mutterings, #69

2006-06-04T12:12:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Fraud :: email
Cure :: diabetes
Slate :: clean
Pretentious :: fake
Splendid :: pretentious
Geek :: cool
Blister :: sister
Pizza :: pie
Revive :: save
Visionary :: unusual

Unconscious Mutterings, #68

2006-05-28T07:26:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Bounce :: ball
Wasting time :: unconscious
Utility :: bill
London :: Bridge is Falling Down
Pregnant :: population explosion
Cranberry :: juice
International :: relations
Disappointment :: rampant
Sponsor :: addiction
Second :: every second counts

Unconscious Mutterings, #67

2006-05-20T21:53:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Yours :: mine
Charcoal :: grill
Platitude :: insincere
Graduation :: day
Hungry :: angry, lonely, tired
Somewhere :: over the rainbow
Nurse :: Ratchett
Freak :: super
Unbelievable :: incredible
Walk :: away

Unconscious Mutterings, #66

2006-05-07T09:29:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ...

Represent :: lawyer
Mumbling :: children
Meetup :: get together
Tantalizing :: fascinating
Fake :: not real
Dale :: Hill and
Deny :: don't allow
Calories :: energy
Roll :: and butter
44 :: Route

Unconscious Mutterings, #65

2006-05-01T07:54:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Out of place :: out of time
Helicopter :: ride
Francis :: Scott Key
Ryan :: O'Neill
Wedding :: bells
Apalled :: disgusted
Historian :: Kim
Powerful :: strong
Sex symbol :: artificial
Uncomfortable :: ill at ease

Unconscious Mutterings, #64

2006-04-23T11:22:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Rising :: sun
Third :: Reich
Disruptive :: moving
Surround :: sound
Distant :: train
Suction :: letting go
Fried :: calamari
Nuggets :: chicken
Clip :: paper
San Antonio :: Texas

Happy Easter

2006-04-16T08:03:00.000-07:00

I woke up today with Suzanne Vega's "Small Blue Thing" in my head, so I added it to my current iTunes mix and was listening to it, feeling sad that today would bring no flowers from mommy, no Easter cards or baskets, no bunny...

And then the phone rang, with Rusty and Laura singing "Peter Cottontail!" It was cute and sweet and poignant...Rusty offered to get me food from the Easter buffet (not knowing that I'd arranged to do it myself, this being my last Sunday there...), and he'd offered to come over and visit this afternoon/evening, thinking I'd be alone and sad (which I would have, had Kim not called and set up some time together including seeing "Brokeback Mountain" at the Film Forum. If I don't go out with her and her "colleagues" from work for dinner afterward, Rusty invited me to call and maybe he could come over...

So a day that was looking so long, lost, empty and formidable has been filled with friendship...loving thoughtfulness...

And LL & R suggested a dinner/movie scenario for tomorrow night...and Rusty offered to come back here Tuesday to finish packing up some of the more sensitive items.

I feel truly blessed to have such wonderful friends...

Happy Easter, bunny...

Unconscious Mutterings, #63

2006-04-16T07:23:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Ambition :: force
Meatloaf :: sammitchez
Celebrity :: fame
Coach :: motivator
Slacker :: "Slackers"
Reflection :: mirror
Original :: unique
Risk :: leap
Saved :: rescued
June :: weddings

Unconscious Mutterings, #62

2006-04-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Buck :: Henry
Harry :: Potter
Play :: games
Monstrosity :: ugly
Nightclub :: old-fashioned
Missing :: link
Sprout :: bean
Flavor :: taste
Identity :: mistaken
Saucy :: sweet

Unconscious Mutterings, #61

2006-04-02T06:53:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Desire :: suffering
Sleep :: debt
Lost :: forever
2006 :: worst
Pump :: handle
Space :: needle
Stuck :: in time
Reference:: material
Birth:: death
Hand:: helping

Unconscious Mutterings, #60

2006-03-26T06:09:00.000-08:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Glass castle:: glass slipper
Preserved:: embalmed
Jealousy:: ugly
Territory:: Yukon
Coffee:: tea
Stephen:: King
Slut:: loose woman
Dynamic:: powerful
Daybreak:: dawn
Dew:: morning

Unconscious Mutterings, #59

2006-03-26T06:05:00.000-08:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Sugar rush:: Mt. Dew
Chemical:: dependency
Suspension:: bridge
Defending:: Your Life
Conference:: call
Dance:: fever
Weather:: report
Fuel:: cost
Heartbreak:: constant
Insult:: injury

Unconscious Mutterings, #58

2006-03-12T07:12:00.000-08:00

I say ... you think ... ?

Displacement:: forced
Grease monkey:: paint
Vacancy:: no
Conquer:: divide
Payroll:: taxes
Personal:: grief
Housewife:: mother
Lateral:: sideways
Tissue:: kleenex
Multiplication:: division

Unconscious Mutterings, #57

2006-03-05T08:48:00.000-08:00

I say ... and you think ...?

Upgrade:: software
Happy ending:: fairytale
Stale:: bread
Tripping:: falling
Working:: too hard
Explicit:: clear
Happy place:: don't have any
Tornado:: my life
Medication:: helps
Muppet:: Jim Henson

Unconscious Mutterings, #56

2006-02-25T23:14:00.000-08:00

I say ... and you think ...?

Baby step:: slow
Wasted:: life
Reggie:: Jackson
Pitiful:: me
Acting out:: fantasies
Tomato:: soup
Bad night:: every night
Trip:: fall
Finance charges:: suck
Sport:: bad

Unconscious Mutterings, #55

2006-02-19T07:38:00.000-08:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Right time:: none
Funeral:: sorrow
Calculate:: plan
Believe me:: why didn't you?
Chat:: never again
Anniversary:: April 24
Let you down:: why did you?
Shout:: cry
Sweatsock:: old
Prayer:: didn't prevent it

The Love of my Life is Gone Forever, My Life is Over

2006-02-19T07:36:00.000-08:00

Unconscious Mutterings, #54

2006-02-05T10:39:00.000-08:00

I say ... and you think ...?

Taking sides:: contentious
Couples:: therapy
Right of refusal:: justified
Marla:: Maples
Multiple:: orgasms
Trinity:: Holy
Sneeze:: Bless You!
Sweatpants:: sweatshirt
Steve:: McQueen
Fabulous:: marvelous

Unconscious Mutterings, #53

2006-01-29T02:36:00.000-08:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Long distance:: call
Meant to be:: fate
Here:: now
Endless:: love
Resentment:: unfair
Insipid:: stupid
Bunny:: Bri
Slogan:: jingle
Naked:: truth
Sarcasm:: unnecessary

Unconscious Mutterings, #52

2006-01-21T22:47:00.000-08:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Alone:: lonely
Science:: art
Deposit:: bank
Faithful:: honest
Tender:: loving
Chocolate:: decadent
Homework:: assignment
Tamper:: disturb
Friend:: precious
Wire:: garotte

Unconscious Mutterings, #51

2006-01-15T13:54:00.000-08:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Paralyzed:: immobile
Bossy:: overbearing
Worth:: value
Breathing:: necessary
Uneventful:: quiet
Return:: recurrence
Splint:: broken
Notice:: become aware
Hero:: villain
Vulnerable:: easily hurt

Unconscious Mutterings, #50

2006-01-08T05:54:00.000-08:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Better off:: dead
Girls:: just wanna have fun
Uniform:: same
Classified:: ad
Hard:: candy
Kitty:: cat
Team:: player
Massive:: heart attack
Depressed:: suicidal
Award:: prize

Unconscious Mutterings, #49

2006-01-01T08:41:00.000-08:00

Celebrate:: nothing
Resolve: made to be broken
I need to:: find some helium
Call:: for help
Token:: memory
Brand:: sear flesh
Comparison:: odious
Far away:: love
Artful:: dodger
Fantastic:: unreal world

Unconscious Mutterings, #48

2005-12-18T15:20:00.000-08:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Replenish:: refill
People:: Magazine
Trend:: fad
Girlfriends:: fickle
Spirit:: light
Banshee:: scream
Oasis:: desert
Thrills:: & chills
Fountain:: soda
Boxes:: stuff

Unconscious Mutterings, #47

2005-12-11T08:05:00.000-08:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Stalker:: fear
Outrageous:: wild
Carrying:: on
Spirited:: horse
Oh!:: my!
Grid:: lock
Country:: home
Karen:: Carpenter
Candles:: burn
Relationship:: meaningful

Unconscious Mutterings, #46

2005-12-04T06:32:00.000-08:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Amazing:: incredible
Delights:: pleasures
Inspired:: creative
Disgusted:: displeased
You:: me
Vagina:: Monologues
Palm:: tree
Sweetheart:: bunny
Guilt:: forgiveness
More to come:: to be continued

Unconscious Mutterings, #45

2005-11-26T21:18:00.000-08:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Stuffed:: shirt
Armstrong:: D 'n' V
Bruise:: bleed
Content:: happy
Musical:: instrument
Assistance:: help
Scrambling:: eggs
Battle:: axe
Extended:: Discourses
Discount:: sale

Unconscious Mutterings, #44

2005-11-20T22:47:00.000-08:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Heads up:: warning
Kicker:: screamer
Aggressive:: obnoxious
Getting ugly:: with age
To be continued:: oh no!
Twist:: and shout
Form:: fill out
On the road:: again
Import:: export
Flowers:: love

Unconscious Mutterings, #43

2005-11-12T21:48:00.000-08:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Mighty:: mouse
Gotta find time to ....:: pay the bills
Statistic:: meaningless
Midnight:: hour
Thaw:: January
Hips:: rose
Reader:: meter
Related:: relatives
Brilliant:: genius
Posture:: yoga

Unconscious Mutterings, #42

2005-11-07T11:10:00.000-08:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Deeper and deeper:: and deeper
Can’t help .... :: lovin' that man o' mine
Devil’s advocate:: play
Superpower:: evil
Threatening:: storm
Played:: out
War:: what is it good for? Absolutely nothing!
Violate:: devastate
Invest:: stocks
Choke:: Heimlich

Unconscious Mutterings, #41

2005-10-30T08:03:00.000-08:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Unbreakable:: Bruce Willis
Have mercy:: on me oh Lord
Do it better:: taskmaster
Settle scores:: men
Comments:: feedback
Craziest thing:: happened
Apple:: orange
Halloween:: candy
Manageable:: under control
Trick:: or treat

Unconscious Mutterings, #40

2005-10-23T10:15:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ...?

Infiltration:: attack
Nice person:: rare
Debt:: owe
Settle down:: peace
Thomas:: Edison
Unforgivable:: cruelty
Medicine:: pills
A year from now:: the unknown
Neighbors:: footsteps
Dripping:: wet

Unconscious Mutterings, #39

2005-10-16T12:20:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ...?

On the verge:: of a nervous breakdown
Tempestuous:: extremely stormy
Coherent:: understandable
Near death:: experience
Illiterate:: uneducated
Why not?:: indeed!
Period:: of time
Long lost:: friend
Torrid:: affair
Nail:: hammer

Unconscious Mutterings, #38

2005-10-09T20:28:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Quirk:: oddity
Crystal:: quartz
Pet Peeve:: common annoyance
Cuban:: cigar
Breasts:: nipples
Whispers:: secrets
Complicated:: complex
Promise me:: pledge your honor
Murder:: kill
Filament:: thread

Unconscious Mutterings, #37

2005-10-03T16:45:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Quaint:: old-fashioned
Rind:: lemon
Disease:: illness
Queer:: homo
Pork:: rind
Soaked:: saturated
Skeleton:: bones
Mold:: black
Finished:: completed
Buffalo:: nickel

Unconscious Mutterings, #36

2005-09-25T14:06:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ...

Crave:: desire
Whole package:: all-inclusive
Roommates:: share
5:30:: 6:00
Lesbian:: gay
Poignant:: heartfelt
Hurtful:: mean
You and I:: together
Grateful:: thankful
Giggle:: silly

Unconscious Mutterings, #35

2005-09-17T23:13:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ...

Less filling:: dietetic
Glue:: sniff
Surprise me:: please!
Model:: anorexic
Fee:: for service
Microphone:: stand
Choices:: alternatives
To the bone:: weary
Run!:: Hide!
Appeal:: court

Unconscious Mutterings, #34

2005-09-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ...

Related:: unrelated
Soothing:: gentle
Flashback:: LSD
Turmoil:: struggle
Immense:: huge
Guitar:: string
Nonsense:: no
Blame:: no
Childlike:: innocent
Duff:: Hillary

Unconscious Mutterings, #33

2005-09-04T00:55:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Julie:: Andrews
Emotional:: intellectual
Head of household:: variable
Diva:: self-importance
Devastation:: disaster
Business or pleasure:: travel
Crown:: chakra
Eastern:: religion
Buzzed:: inebriated
Officer:: gentleman

Unconscious Mutterings, #32

2005-08-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Girlfriends:: boyfriends
Here to stay:: our love
Call me:: anytime
Frustrated:: helpless
Public school:: private school
Glitch:: snafu
Cheese:: melted
Director:: Manager
Pivotal:: crucial
Exclusive:: inclusive

Unconscious Mutterings, #31

2005-08-21T07:20:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Fan:: mail
Scum:: bag
Lily:: Loveday
Humid:: unbearable
Ghetto:: Chopper
Remember me?:: i doubt it
Polished:: composed
Compose:: create
Squish:: squash
Future:: past

Unconscious Mutterings, #30

2005-08-15T14:59:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Idiot:: stupid
Rocket:: science
Liability:: insurance
Harmless:: as a fly
Stringy:: hair
Theater:: movie
Gwyneth:: Paltro
Use it or lose it:: aphorism
Sonic:: boom
Pucker:: up

Unconscious Mutterings, #29

2005-08-07T09:45:00.000-07:00

I say ... and you think ... ?

Complexion:: face
Teach:: learn
Back to school:: arrggh!
Months:: 9
Nominate:: figurehead
Favorite curse word:: sh--!
Concerned:: worried
Better:: best
Escalate:: out of control
Unveil:: reveal

Unconscious Mutterings, #28

2005-07-31T08:54:00.000-07:00

Risks:: take
Abdominal:: pain
Radiant:: light
The usual:: old ----
Mix and match:: outfits
Wireless:: internet
Remedial:: classes
Mile:: long
Long lost:: friend
Only one:: left

Unconscious Mutterings, #27

2005-07-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

Believing:: seeing is
Invasion:: of privacy
Boys:: girls
Island:: paradise
Repeatedly:: redundantly
Normal:: abnormal
Hex:: voodoo
Tuxedo:: formal
Virgin:: Mary
Cereal:: breakfast

Uninvited, Out of Bounds

2005-07-23T12:33:00.000-07:00

"But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight"
~Alanis Morissette

My therapist cancelled my last scheduled appointment before we leave for CT to clean out my mom's apartment. I've been highly anxious, volatile, and ill, and was having an emotional day, needing the session. My therapist couldn't come because she scheduled an appointment before mine and her doctor was running late. I tried to find out if we could find time for another session before we leave but she had no time for me. In the course of our conversation, she mentioned that she was having a garage sale today. I got excited, knowing she'd be selling quality items and probably nice jewelry. I asked her when and where it was, but she wouldn't tell me, saying something about keeping our (therapist-patient) boundaries.

I found the probable address and time of the sale in the classified section of the paper. I really really really wanted to go.
Knowing that anyone in the world who wanted to go to this garage sale was welcome except for me made me cry more than I've cried in weeks. I kept sobbing, "It's UNFAIR! It's UNFAIR!" Because it was and is and ever shall be. I'm angry and depressed and crazy. I needed that session. And I needed to know that I could go out and do something fun, reminiscent of my former life, to feel like I'm not such a disabled shut-in, knowing that it would be fun and worthwhile going to that garage sale.

But I, I'm not allowed, I'm uninvited...an unfortunate slight...indeed. Another in a lifetime of rejections...

Unconscious Mutterings, #26

2005-07-16T21:23:00.000-07:00

Tolerate:: accept
Release:: me
My soul:: thirsts
Sax:: saxophone
HP:: Hewlett Packard
Worth:: value
Rockstar:: fame
Terrify:: frighten
Knock me off my feet:: knock my sox off
Taunt:: tease

Unconscious Mutterings, #25

2005-07-13T01:52:00.000-07:00

Do-it-yourself:: homemade
Pickpocket:: thief
Ballet:: grace
Resumé:: job
Phenom:: phenomenon
Love/Hate:: relationship
Unusual:: different
Intense:: extreme
Interruption:: unwelcome
Not enough:: too much

Unconscious Mutterings, #24

2005-07-03T20:53:00.000-07:00

Statistics:: lies
Grin:: frown
Saturn:: return
Fulfilled:: lucky
Life plan:: unknown
Cult:: satanic
Lily:: tiger
Stalemate:: stubborn
Celebration:: observance
Underwear:: optional

Unconscious Mutterings, #23

2005-07-03T20:48:00.000-07:00

Useless:: stupid
Radiant:: dull
W:: stupid
Unpaid:: bills
Geek:: nerd
Unfaithful:: unforgiveable
Reboot:: wait
No!:: Yes!
Squad:: mod
Fetish:: pervert

For Mommy

2005-06-20T00:13:00.000-07:00

THE TIDE RECEDES

The tide recedes,
But leaves behind
Bright seashells on the sand.
The sun goes down,
But gentle warmth
Still lingers on the land.
The music stops,
And yet it echoes on
In sweet refrains...
For every joy that passes,
Something beautiful remains.

~Author Unknown

SWEET DREAMS

Peacefully, sleep comes to a dear beloved heart.
Quietly, we understand the time has come to part.
Tenderly, the love shines on ...a never-ending light.
Gratefully, we feel its warmth and say,
"Sweet dreams, good-night."

~Author Unknown

SHE IS GONE

You can shed tears that she is gone,
Or you can smile because she lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

~Author Unknown

DEATH IS A HORIZON

Life is eternal;
and love is immortal;
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.

~Author: Rossiter Worthington Raymond 1840-1918

Life Ends

2005-06-19T10:08:00.000-07:00

Here is my beloved mommy's obituary. In latter years, especially the past 7 years since my Daddy's stroke and subsequent passing, mommy and I had spoken at length on the phone nearly daily. We became the closest of friends, supporting each other through all that life sent our way. I believe that Mommy's heart broke when Daddy died; in the following years she suffered from congestive heart failure and a number of other maladies. After a series of traumatic brain injuries incurred as a result of repeated falls, Mommy's heart gave out while receiving care at St. Mary Rehabilitation Center, next door to her home at The McAuley in West Hartford, CT. My brother witnessed her death at St. Francis Hospital. There was not enough time for Brian and me to get there, but I had been talking to Mommy on the phone immediately before her death and was able to send my love and say goodbye to her.

Conard, Annette Kennedy Hall. Annette H. Conard, of West Hartford, beloved wife of the late Frederick U. Conard, Jr., died at St. Francis Hospital on Thursday, (June 9, 2005). The daughter of the late Frederick Parrott and Virginia (Mullins) Hall, she was born September 6, 1922 in Orange, New Jersey. She moved from South Orange, New Jersey to West Hartford after her marriage to Frederick. Their marriage of fifty-seven years was blessed from the beginning. A graduate of Pratt Institute in Brooklyn, New York, Anne was a talented artist and graphic designer. Working as a free-lance artist, she designed a vast array of graphics for many publications and for many years volunteered to design and hand-draw the route map for the Hartford Art School's House and Garden Tour. She loved music, and was a talented singer. She sang in groups such as "The Better Half Notes" and the "Treble Clefs." She was a committed and valued member of the Hartford Art School Board. She was also a member of the Board of Directors of the American School for the Deaf and member of the Town and County Club and "Seed and Weed" Garden Club. A member of Asylum Hill Congregational Church, she participated in many church functions. She joined the Junior League of West Hartford, doing volunteer work and later became a sustaining member. She is survived by her son, Frederick U. Conard, III MD of West Hartford, and her daughter, Virginia Hall Conard, of Saratoga Springs, New York. Her predeceased grandson was Michael Frederick Conard also of West Hartford. She leaves her nieces and nephew, Kathy and Michael Minsch, and Cindy Martin. A Memorial Service will be held at 11:00 A.M. on Tuesday, June 14 at Asylum Hill Congregational Church, 814 Asylum Avenue, Hartford, in the main sanctuary. The family requests that memorial contributions be sent in loving memory of Annette Hall Conard and her beloved grandson Michael Frederick Conard, to:

Cystinosis Research Network
10 Pine Avenue, Burlington, Massachusetts 01803 USA
(Toll Free: 1-866-276-3669 Tel: (781) 229-6182
Fax: (781) 229-6182 E-Mail: CRN@cystinosis.org
The CRN Federal Tax ID # is 04-3323789)

Unconscious Mutterings, #22

2005-06-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

Domesticated:: animal
Cask:: wine
Wayne:: Newton
Insidious:: untrustworthy
Cool!:: Cool Beans!
Dishwasher:: detergent
Little house:: on the Prairie
Stepford:: Wives
Hung:: jury
Falling:: down

Unconscious Mutterings, #21

2005-06-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

Wally:: Walla Walla, WA
Phantom:: memory
Slippery:: slope
Fungus:: tree art
Slot:: machine
Type:: face
Discharge:: papers
"We need to talk”:: "Uh oh"
On the spot:: Johnny
Liquid:: paper

Unconscious Mutterings, #20

2005-06-05T11:48:00.000-07:00

Exhibit:: art
Evolution:: creation
Loser:: winner
Hypnotic:: trance
Unlikely:: likely
Interrupt:: rude
Ambivalent:: indecisive
Rise and fall:: breath
Indian:: Native American
Prophecy:: Nostradamus

Unconscious Mutterings, #19

2005-05-29T10:06:00.000-07:00

Crowd:: ugly
Hamburger:: hot dog
Choker:: ribbon
Lights:: bright
Tinsel:: Christmas
Testament:: New
Best part of the day:: bunny time
Election:: useless
Clarinet:: practice
Cake or death:: diabetes

Unconscious Mutterings, #18

2005-05-22T10:14:00.000-07:00

Heimlich:: maneuver
Gesture:: empty
Party:: favours
Cuddle:: snuggle
Room with a view:: I'd like to have one
Sebastian:: Bach
Ooooh:: dear
Sigh:: relief
Two fish, three fish:: four fish
Cake or death:: diabetes

Life Goes On

2005-05-16T15:03:00.000-07:00

Mommy's in the hospital again, having fallen 3x this week. The last fall gave her another TBI, and a big swollen black eye. It's been trauma central here, too many details to record...but today I woke up to this song in my head, which has stayed with me all day:

LIFE GOES ON

Life goes on beyond the tempest and the rain
Beyond the sorrow and the pain
Life goes on

Life goes on past disappointment and regret
When hope is all that we have left
Life goes on

The sun will rise another day
The flowers they will bloom again
The wind will sweep the clouds away and healing will begin
Life goes on

Life goes on past broken hearts and lonely nights
Beyond the darkness lies the light
And life goes on

Life goes on when all we thought we had was gone
We turn around and there's the dawn
Life goes on

The sun will rise another day
The flowers they will bloom again
The wind will sweep the clouds away and healing will begin
Life goes on

The sun will rise another day
The flowers they will bloom again
The wind will sweep the clouds away and healing will begin
Life goes on

~Victoria Armstrong

Thank you, D 'n' V, my friends. Your music and lyrics are a great gift.
Go to: http://www.donandvictoria.com/

Unconscious Mutterings, #17

2005-05-14T23:22:00.000-07:00

Grandma:: Grandpa
Pet:: Fur
Desolate:: Isolated
Backspace:: Key
Common ground:: Sharing
Storm:: Clouds
Dark:: Light
Water bottle:: Camping
Training:: Program
Dot coms:: Volatile

Unconscious Mutterings, #16

2005-05-09T07:06:00.000-07:00

Android:: robot
Revenge:: poison
Knight:: shining armour
Stranded:: desert island
Weakness:: strength
Greed:: neverending
Walter:: Reed
Dense:: thick
Sheep:: herd
Propane:: tank

Unconscious Mutterings, #15

2005-05-01T13:33:00.000-07:00

Texas:: stupid
Scholarship:: earn
Runner-up:: sad
Mustang Sally:: soul
Jones:: Howard
Hard to get:: play
Jewish:: faith
Crew:: cast
Cable:: tv
Assistant:: helper

Unconscious Mutterings, #14

2005-04-24T19:57:00.000-07:00

Detachment:: attachment
Regard:: unconditional positive
Community:: commune
Strike three:: you're out!
Congregation:: church
Generous:: kind
Pretention:: odious
Pregnant:: pause
Drinking:: alcoholic
Brilliance:: radiance

Unconscious Mutterings, #13

2005-04-20T08:56:00.000-07:00

Great escape:: amusement
Cluster:: grouping
Wrong place, wrong time:: right place, right time
Guided:: tour
Forensics:: investigation
Pros:: cons
Safety deposit box:: valuables
Quadrant:: northeast
Precisely:: exactly
Who are you?:: The Who

Unconscious Mutterings, #12

2005-04-11T07:10:00.000-07:00

Horrendous:: horrific
Home video:: home movie
What a girl wants:: love
Grounded:: fog
Trusting:: naive
Simplistic:: incomplete
Buzz:: bee
Balcony:: edge
Roar::lion
Hooker:: pimp

Unconscious Mutterings, #11

2005-04-03T16:53:00.000-07:00

Renewal:: Hope
Someone to talk to:: Necessary
Count:: Dracula
Expiration:: Inspiration
Upload:: Download
Publish:: Public
Holy:: Spirit
Change in the air:: Refresh
Titillating:: Exciting
Glorious:: Appearing

What Mood Are You In?

2005-03-27T08:14:00.000-08:00

You Are In a Good Mood

Today, you're feeling pretty together and happy.

While not everything is going you're way, you're keeping things in perspective.

And it seems like things are looking up for you!

What Mood Are You In?

Unconscious Mutterings, #10

2005-03-27T08:05:00.000-08:00

I’m waiting:: for you
Speak:: woof!
Roger...:: wilco
Knock knock:: who's there?
Hybrid:: Prius
Can’t believe my eyes:: OMG
Hooked:: on you
Pontificate:: politician
Slime:: bucket
Unwelcome:: welcome

Incomplete Tarot Reading-Right On So Far...

2005-03-20T12:49:00.000-08:00

The Ancient Tarot

What's in the cards for you?

Gini, we're going to start your reading with the second card you picked, Death.

Present

The card you picked in the second position represents your current state of life. Approximately 90% people who pick The Death card in the second position say that it accurately matches what's happening at the present time. This card symbolizes transformation and rebirth. Right now, in your present, you're in a phase of complete transformation. Getting this card in this position is a sign that you're ready to...
**************************
(All I know is that I'm *not* ready to spend $20 to find out!)

~tease by Tickle.com

The Ideal Relationship Test

2005-03-20T12:40:00.000-08:00

Which Relationship is Right for You?

Gini, the thing you need most in a relationship is Deep Connection

In your ideal relationship you and you partner would be deeply and passionately connected. This sense of intimacy is really important for you. As is the need for certain rules and an understanding of who wields the power in your relationship. But regardless of how this works, your deep need for this kind of closeness will ultimately drive your relationship.

Other possible results:

Connection and Partnership
Deep Connection
Flexible Independence
Quiet Stability
Steady Comfort

~courtesty of Tickle.com

What Mood Are You In?

2005-03-20T12:30:00.000-08:00

You Are Depressed

No doubt about it, you're feeling very down.

Maybe you've had a bad day, or maybe you need help.

Either way, make sure to take good care of yourself right now.

What Mood Are You In?

What Age Do You Act?

2005-03-20T12:22:00.000-08:00

You Are 31 Years Old

31

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

What Kind of Friend Are You?

2005-03-20T12:05:00.000-08:00

You Are A Good Friend

You're always willing to listen

Or lend a shoulder to cry on

You're there through thick and thin

Many people consider you their "best friend"!

What Kind of Friend Are You?

Another Test from "Tickle.com"

2005-03-19T23:22:00.000-08:00

What Are You Looking for in a Relationship?

Gini, you're looking for a Soul Mate

Who needs a fling when what you want is the whole fairytale: long walks on the beach, up-all-night conversations, and watching sunrises/sunsets in each other's arms. You're probably a picky dater who doesn't connect with just anyone. Sure a strong intellectual streak, loyalty, and a great sense of humor are terrific selling points. But if your dates can't savor romance like you do, it might be the perfect match you're dreaming of. You're hoping to find your other half, that one person who can finish your sentences, someone who really 'gets' your inner emotions. And until you find them, you probably don't mind flying solo every now and then. That's because deep down, you know that being with the wrong someone is just an obstacle to being with your one-and-only. So even as you're reading this and thinking about how to find them, know that somewhere out there, they're probably wondering the same about you. It's just a matter of time.

Unconscious Mutterings, #9

2005-03-19T21:42:00.000-08:00

Stink:: smell
Renewal:: regrowth
I remember...:: precious love
Loneliness:: isolation
Ooooh:: dear
For real:: truly
Titanium:: colors
Get down:: get up
Rupture:: bleed
Dramatic:: powerful

Ask the young, they always know everything

2005-03-19T09:32:00.000-08:00

~Chinese proverb

WHAT IS LOVE?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint
her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time,
even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8
========
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You
just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
========
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
========
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French
fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
========
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
========
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
========
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and
Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily - age 8
========
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening
presents and Listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
========
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend
who you hate." Nikka - age 6 >>
========
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday." Noelle - age 7
========
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
========
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked
at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He
was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
========
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else
kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
========
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine- 5
========
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
========
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone
all day." Mary Ann - age 4
========
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
========
"When you love somebody, your eye lashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you." Karen - age 7
========
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you
mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
========
A four year old child whose next door neighbor was an
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man
cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his
lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to
the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
========

What does love mean to YOU?

The Enneagram Test

2005-03-12T01:50:00.000-08:00

The Enneagram Test

What the Ancient Science of Personality Says About You

Gini, you're a Type 1 - The Idealist

Friends, family, and colleagues probably appreciate you for both your high standards and commitment to excellence. They're also apt to know that when they come to you with a problem, they can trust you to be fair and objective. As an Idealist, you're likely to be seen as a wise and balanced person with strong integrity.

Being a member of this type puts you in good company. Jane Fonda with her knack for athletic ideals and commitment to standing up for just causes, and Ralph Nadar, with his idealistic determination as a consumer advocate, are also Type 1s.

This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you have a strong sense of what's right and wrong. In fact, you're someone who is typically committed to doing the right thing and making sure you're as good a person as you can be — no matter what situation arises.

Possible results:

Type 1 - The Idealist
Type 2 - The Humanitarian
Type 3 - The Entertainer
Type 4 - The Expressive
Type 5 - The Experimenter
Type 6 - The Advocate
Type 7 - The Adventurer
Type 8 - The Leader
Type 9 - The Negotiator

~courtesty of Tickle.com

Unconscious Mutterings, #8

2005-03-11T22:51:00.000-08:00

Shape up:: or ship out
New Orleans:: Mardi Gras
In the bedroom:: I live
All the time:: is running out
Philosophy:: psychology
Tyler:: Liv
Disturbed:: perturbed
French kiss:: Meg Ryan, Kevin Kline
Solidify:: pact
Furtive:: sneaky

Hope

2005-03-11T17:02:00.000-08:00

you rise like a wave in the ocean
and you fall gently back to the sea
now i want to know how to hold you
return to me
return to me

you shine like the moon over water
and you darken the sky when you leave
now i want to know how to keep you
return to me
return to me
turn to me
return to me

everything i tell you has been spoken
and everything i say was said before
but everything i feel is for the first time
and everything i feel i feel for you

i am here calling the wind
i am here calling your name
i am here calling you back
return to me
return to me

i know what it means to be lonely
and i know what it means to be free
now i want to know how to love you
return to me
return to me

i am here calling the wind
i am here calling your name
i am here calling you back
return to me
return to me

~October Project - Return To Me