Friday, September 24, 2004
More Writing in the Guise of Therapy
I CAN'T CRY
I can't cry while it's too serious
I can't cry in order to be strong
To be of help I have to be a rock
I hope this doesn't last too long
I can't cry when I have to help
I can't cry because everything's gotten worse
From bad to critical, chronic to acute
I feel as though we're under a curse
I can't cry while things are so bad
I can't cry, I have to hold it in
It's just too much, it's overwhelming
I wish it could change but chances are slim
I can't cry even though I so need to
I can't cry while I cling to desperate hope
Because this is going to last for so long
I build a fortress around me to stay strong
I can't cry while the one I love suffers
I can't cry as the injury lingers
This is so much worse than it ever was before
She is oblivious, unknowing, can speak no more
I cannot cry, I'm afraid of the deluge
I cannot cry because I feel I'd lose it then
This is the long term, a loss I have feared so long
I cannot cry because I must remain strong
With memory gone, everything is so wrong
And I can't cry.
© Virginia H. Conard
LOST AND ALONE
You've gone away, through injury
Your voice is flat, you rarely speak
And when you do you are confused
Unable to express yourself
Your thoughts arise, you start to talk
But then before the words begin
Your idea fades and you forget
What you began to start to say
And then you struggle with the words
Desperate to hold the thought
But by that time it fades away
Leaving frustration in its wake
Your memory is almost nil
Until I mention something, then
at times you can remember bits
and pieces of what brought you here
The next time that we speak I hear
the emptiness, confusion there
Everything we spoke about
has gone away, nothing remains
When I explain what's happening
The what and why and what's to be
You're so confused, you simply say,
"Why are you saying all this to me?"
We're in a foreign territory
Where everything is uncharted
You don't understand, don't remember
I don't know how I can help
Beneath the empty affect I know
that the love is always there
But it's so hard to hear you struggle
Frustrated, just lying there
Lost and alone.
© Virginia H. Conard
**********************************
The following came to me after having a number of recurrent dreams/dreams with recurrent themes and characters from my past. My guess is that these images represent issues waiting for resolution. After having EMDR and partial exposure, they hide naked and ready to flash through my unconscious until more work is done to put these ghosts to rest...
ASTRAL UNFINISHED BUSINESS
I must have some kind of unfinished business
Or otherwise I'd not be dreaming of you
The you that I dream of I know is symbolic
But the dramas we play speak of issues not through
The stars of these dreams are spare and selective
A limited few among legions from past
An understudy will sometimes come calling
The norm, though, are regular leads in the cast
The primary torment is from the most recent
I follow him, seeking him, need him to want me
Behavior unchanged, he mistreats me again
And in these dreams he constantly taunts me
Another lead actor is one of the first ones
He offers me new hope of love's second chance
Behavior controlled, never showing emotion
He turns away quickly, dysfunctional dance
The other main characters switch unpredictably
Once I had come home from being away
In love, we planned to be living together
Upon my return I choose apart the way
The guilt this produces is painful and sad
Empty and lonely, I desperately seek you
But you are unreachable, cold, or don't want me
My broken promise ensuring that we're through
The cycle of unfinished business begins again
Our first leading man unexpectedly back
He comes and goes as he pleases, as ever was
With parties and women, using all the esteem I lack
The mystery here is that you won't just go away
In these realms you have magnetic field
Drawing me to you in spite of your callousness
You throw me a bone, like a puppy I yield
I thought that in waking time this was all finished
I told you to leave, having endured enough
I finally saw there was nothing romantic
You just took advantage and I called your bluff
I don't understand why in dreams you all haunt me
My waking life wonderful, all I could wish for
My love is forever, eternal and sacred
To live with one's soulmate is never to want more
This said, and knowing that dreaming is metaphor
Why do you torment me night after night?
These unresolved issues disturb fragile psyche
And all I want now is to set things right
So all of these ghosts will say "good night."
© Virginia H. Conard
********************************************
And now some lyrics from Alanis Morissette which are relevant both to the above and to the situation with my family:
THIS GRUDGE
(by Alanis Morissette)
Fourteen years
thirty minutes
fifteen seconds I've
held this grudge
Eleven songs
four full journals
thoughts of punishment
I've expended
Not in contact
not a letter
such communication
telepathic
you've been vilified
used as fodder
you deserve a piece
of every record
But who's it hurting now?
Who's the one that's stuck?
Who's it torturing now
with an antique knot in her stomach?
I want to be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
all this time I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us
Like an abandoned house
dusty covered
furniture
still intact
If I visit it now
will I simply re-live it
somehow gratuitous
But who's still aching now?
Who's tired of her own voice?
Who is it weighing down
With no gift from time of said healing
I want to be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
all this time I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us
Maybe as I cut the cord
veils will lift from my eyes
Maybe as I lay this to rest
dead weight off my shoulders will rise
Here I sit
much determined
ever ill-equipped
to draw this curtain
how this has entertained
validated
and has served me well
ever the victim
But who's done whining now
Who's ready to put down
this load I've carried
longer than I had cared to remember
I want to be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
For the life of me I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us
I can't cry while it's too serious
I can't cry in order to be strong
To be of help I have to be a rock
I hope this doesn't last too long
I can't cry when I have to help
I can't cry because everything's gotten worse
From bad to critical, chronic to acute
I feel as though we're under a curse
I can't cry while things are so bad
I can't cry, I have to hold it in
It's just too much, it's overwhelming
I wish it could change but chances are slim
I can't cry even though I so need to
I can't cry while I cling to desperate hope
Because this is going to last for so long
I build a fortress around me to stay strong
I can't cry while the one I love suffers
I can't cry as the injury lingers
This is so much worse than it ever was before
She is oblivious, unknowing, can speak no more
I cannot cry, I'm afraid of the deluge
I cannot cry because I feel I'd lose it then
This is the long term, a loss I have feared so long
I cannot cry because I must remain strong
With memory gone, everything is so wrong
And I can't cry.
© Virginia H. Conard
LOST AND ALONE
You've gone away, through injury
Your voice is flat, you rarely speak
And when you do you are confused
Unable to express yourself
Your thoughts arise, you start to talk
But then before the words begin
Your idea fades and you forget
What you began to start to say
And then you struggle with the words
Desperate to hold the thought
But by that time it fades away
Leaving frustration in its wake
Your memory is almost nil
Until I mention something, then
at times you can remember bits
and pieces of what brought you here
The next time that we speak I hear
the emptiness, confusion there
Everything we spoke about
has gone away, nothing remains
When I explain what's happening
The what and why and what's to be
You're so confused, you simply say,
"Why are you saying all this to me?"
We're in a foreign territory
Where everything is uncharted
You don't understand, don't remember
I don't know how I can help
Beneath the empty affect I know
that the love is always there
But it's so hard to hear you struggle
Frustrated, just lying there
Lost and alone.
© Virginia H. Conard
**********************************
The following came to me after having a number of recurrent dreams/dreams with recurrent themes and characters from my past. My guess is that these images represent issues waiting for resolution. After having EMDR and partial exposure, they hide naked and ready to flash through my unconscious until more work is done to put these ghosts to rest...
ASTRAL UNFINISHED BUSINESS
I must have some kind of unfinished business
Or otherwise I'd not be dreaming of you
The you that I dream of I know is symbolic
But the dramas we play speak of issues not through
The stars of these dreams are spare and selective
A limited few among legions from past
An understudy will sometimes come calling
The norm, though, are regular leads in the cast
The primary torment is from the most recent
I follow him, seeking him, need him to want me
Behavior unchanged, he mistreats me again
And in these dreams he constantly taunts me
Another lead actor is one of the first ones
He offers me new hope of love's second chance
Behavior controlled, never showing emotion
He turns away quickly, dysfunctional dance
The other main characters switch unpredictably
Once I had come home from being away
In love, we planned to be living together
Upon my return I choose apart the way
The guilt this produces is painful and sad
Empty and lonely, I desperately seek you
But you are unreachable, cold, or don't want me
My broken promise ensuring that we're through
The cycle of unfinished business begins again
Our first leading man unexpectedly back
He comes and goes as he pleases, as ever was
With parties and women, using all the esteem I lack
The mystery here is that you won't just go away
In these realms you have magnetic field
Drawing me to you in spite of your callousness
You throw me a bone, like a puppy I yield
I thought that in waking time this was all finished
I told you to leave, having endured enough
I finally saw there was nothing romantic
You just took advantage and I called your bluff
I don't understand why in dreams you all haunt me
My waking life wonderful, all I could wish for
My love is forever, eternal and sacred
To live with one's soulmate is never to want more
This said, and knowing that dreaming is metaphor
Why do you torment me night after night?
These unresolved issues disturb fragile psyche
And all I want now is to set things right
So all of these ghosts will say "good night."
© Virginia H. Conard
********************************************
And now some lyrics from Alanis Morissette which are relevant both to the above and to the situation with my family:
THIS GRUDGE
(by Alanis Morissette)
Fourteen years
thirty minutes
fifteen seconds I've
held this grudge
Eleven songs
four full journals
thoughts of punishment
I've expended
Not in contact
not a letter
such communication
telepathic
you've been vilified
used as fodder
you deserve a piece
of every record
But who's it hurting now?
Who's the one that's stuck?
Who's it torturing now
with an antique knot in her stomach?
I want to be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
all this time I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us
Like an abandoned house
dusty covered
furniture
still intact
If I visit it now
will I simply re-live it
somehow gratuitous
But who's still aching now?
Who's tired of her own voice?
Who is it weighing down
With no gift from time of said healing
I want to be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
all this time I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us
Maybe as I cut the cord
veils will lift from my eyes
Maybe as I lay this to rest
dead weight off my shoulders will rise
Here I sit
much determined
ever ill-equipped
to draw this curtain
how this has entertained
validated
and has served me well
ever the victim
But who's done whining now
Who's ready to put down
this load I've carried
longer than I had cared to remember
I want to be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
For the life of me I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us
