LIFE 101: Live and Learn

1. Carpet ::  bagger


2. Bottoms ::  tops


3. Music ::  play


4. Nails ::  polish


5. Watch it! ::  Be careful!


6. Your life ::  is short; live it well.


7. Candies ::  sugar


8. Chafing ::  uncomfortable


9. Svelte :: thin


10. Ding ::  dong

it's been over a year since my last entry...even Unconscious Mutterings lost their appeal without Brian's responses to compare them with. My depression deepens; I'm in an untenable situation and feel unable to escape; my old "friend" never contacted me after her awful disinitgration of our friendship; I've lost all of my other friends thru moves or my lack of followup; my therapist left me to become a jeweler; I had to stop seeing my psychiatrist of years because of his misdiagnosis and malpractice which caused Brian to kill himself; I have new medical/psych professionals but it's so hard to start over...;I am an orphan with no family--after growing up with an overwhelming family this makes holidays and crises horribly lonely, with no family or close friends with which to spend time or talk to...

But actually this entry was inspired by having taken a bizarre personality test at the Deviant Art website (i was going to put a link to it but lost it altogether, as well as my results...probably just as well); according to their ratings I was not a mentally healthy camper. Well, that's probably true. Oh well.

I do have one close friend who lives 6 hrs away but with whom I email nearly daily; if it weren't for him, I think I might have already disappeared from this plane of existence...you know who you are...with thanx & love...

I say ... and you think ...?

1. Taxes :: death and
   
2. Hooray :: boo
   
3. Justification :: manipulation
   
4. Shocking :: reality
   
5. Bureaucracy :: absurd
   
6. Porn :: perverted
   
7. Silly :: stupid
   
8. DJ :: music
   
9. Swing :: vote
   
10. Anti- :: against
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Bell :: ring
   
2. Abuse :: verbal
   
3. Relief :: fund
   
4. List :: Virgo
   
5. Concern :: care
   
6. Absolute :: fixed
   
7. Cling :: suffer
   
8. Dump :: landfill
   
9. Terminate :: end
   
10. Wine :: tasting
    

I say... and someone thinks ... ?

1. Running :: walking
   
2. Alternative :: choice
   
3. Cope :: deal
   
4. Lots :: plenty
   
5. Sympathetic :: understanding
   
6. Barn :: door
   
7. Totally :: completely
   
8. Baby :: tiny
   
9. Undeniable :: rights
   
10. Watermelon :: rind
    

I say ... and you think ...?

1. Wiggle :: squiggle
   
2. Face :: about
   
3. Adjustable :: flexible
   
4. Room :: space
   
5. Easy :: hard
   
6. Store :: shop
   
7. Maid :: nurse
   
8. 9 pm :: record show
   
9. Challenge :: opportunity
   
10. Debt :: owe
    

I say ... and you think ...?

1. Visit :: ocean
   
2. Cake :: eat it too
   
3. Period :: question mark
   
4. Triumphant :: return
   
5. Screen :: movie
   
6. Neglect :: abuse
   
7. Guitar :: string
   
8. Loathe :: hate
   
9. Sugar :: free
   
10. Montage :: collage
    

I took this little test for fun, just to see what it would say; here are the results:

Are You Normal?

Your Normalcy Quotient is: 34 out of 100.

Your quiz results make you a Marvelous Maverick

Giddy-up partner. You're a maverick and don't know what the definition of normal is. That's a-okay because you're now part of a fascinating group of desperadoes. Wherever you ride, it's sure to be off the beaten path because it's way more fun to find the path least traveled.

Take this free personality test by going to www.chatterbean.com/runormal/

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Cruel :: punishment
   
2. Jive :: talk
   
3. Weak :: tired
   
4. Understand :: empathy
   
5. Bum :: luck
   
6. Stairs :: hurt
   
7. Tone :: muscle
   
8. Quickly :: rapidly
   
9. Moment :: magic
   
10. Beating :: heart
    

I say ..., and you think ... ?

1. Kim :: Novak
   
2. Designate :: less work for the designator
   
3. Liner :: eye
   
4. Weed :: whacker
   
5. Infusion :: intrusion
   
6. Nutritious :: delicious
   
7. Favorites :: undecided
   
8. Transform :: radically change
   
9. 42 :: young (sigh)
   
10. Sunday afternoon :: dislike
    

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I have come to the conclusion that my friend (see previous entries) has had some kind of extreme shift of perception. It is as though she has no heart, no compassion any more. Because she read someone else's email, which was inappropriate to begin with, she drew a conclusion which was also inappropriate. This has caused her to claim, "It's over. Done," about our friendship. And reportedly, she's "never been so happy." Something is really wrong, really twisted here. The friend I knew would never behave in such a way, without even talking to me. I know she's written off men like this before--but our relationship was entirely different. I guess if she had the capacity to cruelly cut off relationships with men--it shows she had this capacity to be unfair and heartless. The fact that she didn't have the courtesy to speak to me face to face, and instead wrote emails or conveyed messages through other people shows she's a coward as well as delusional. I mourn the loss of the person she used to be, my close friend of the heart...

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Affair :: of the heart
   
2. Package :: open
   
3. Warner :: Time
   
4. Drop :: Box
   
5. Balance :: beam
   
6. Shore :: ocean
   
7. Confirmation :: number
   
8. Nose :: ring
   
9. Talking :: listening
   
10. Bend :: over
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Italy :: boot
   
2. Honk :: your horn
   
3. Shades :: colors
   
4. Tool :: box
   
5. Modern :: times
   
6. Tension :: headache
   
7. Conservative :: Liberal
   
8. Weight :: loss
   
9. Insurance :: company
   
10. Political :: agenda
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Requirements :: unnecessary
   
2. Pizza :: dough
   
3. Dating :: I wish
   
4. Issue :: magazine
   
5. Sharp :: pointed
   
6. Distinguish :: enumerate
   
7. Remote :: control
   
8. Felony :: crime
   
9. Exercise :: impossible
   
10. Choose :: me
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Video :: store
   
2. Fantasy :: Island
   
3. Homework :: excuse
   
4. Crush :: flatten
   
5. Late :: Show
   
6. Husband :: wife
   
7. Soccer :: ball
   
8. Wine :: tasting
   
9. Before :: after
   
10. Romantic :: hopeless
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Face it :: she hates me
   
2. Healthy :: unhealthy
   
3. Cartoon :: character
   
4. Device :: thing
   
5. Raider :: Oakland
   
6. Closer :: farther away
   
7. Admission :: ticket
   
8. Culture :: shock
   
9. Stakes :: betting
   
10. Heartbroken :: me
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. That :: Girl
   
2. Fishbowl :: goldfish
   
3. Church :: steeple
   
4. All about :: nothing
   
5. Fist :: fight
   
6. Tagline :: advertising
   
7. Agree :: disagree
   
8. Leak :: water
   
9. Jessica :: Simpson
   
10. Superman :: Clark Kent
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Newspaper :: comics
   
2. Crucify :: Jesus
   
3. Sausage :: links
   
4. Handy :: dandy
   
5. Cloak :: and dagger
   
6. Drunk :: sober
   
7. Fuel :: prices
   
8. Caress :: touch
   
9. Itch :: scratch
   
10. Vehicle :: transportation
    

A friend of 30 years just wrote me off, in a very cruel way.

In the past, we've always been there for each other in good and bad times. Lately, she's been there a lot for me, as I've gone through one tragedy after another over the past few years.

Apparently she has been very stressed out about it. However, instead of looking at her reaction to the situation, she blamed me for making her feel guilty. She basically abdicated her role as my friend. In an email. She didn't have the guts, the sensitivity, to have us talk in person.

And as if that wasn't enough, before signing off, she ripped everything about me and my life to shreds. If she had been fair and accurate, that might have been one thing, but she was so far off base, lacking information, making uninformed accusations and judgments, that it was extremely painful.

The upshot? She's had enough of me. She's been "neglecting" her other friends. She ended with a wish for me (her "prayer") and didn't sign the email with love.

Fortunately, my therapist helped to confirm that much of what she said was inappropriate and incorrect. There were some truths, things we've been working on--and will continue to work on--in therapy. But overall my therapist gave me much-needed support in the form of a reality check. My former friend was 'way off base in what she said, and to do this at all, epecially the way she did.

She's been there thru all the losses and deaths, starting with my first accident, my dad's stroke, then his death, then the big accident with Brian on the day my nephew died, the loss of my brother's communication for 3 years, my mom's death, dealing with her estate, two moves, Brian's mania, and then Brian's death (on the same day my great-aunt died at age 102).

Now I have to add another huge loss to this list--my closest friendship, of 30 years. It would be much easier if she had moved away or even died, but because she chose to sever our heartline with cruelty, it's even harder.

She forgets about the 30 years I listened to and supported her when she obsessed about her latest dilemma or affair. I tried to help her then, without judgment, because I knew that's who she is. And like that quote about friendship (=taking the wheat and chaff together, gently blowing away the chaff and holding close the essence), I loved her and tried to be the best friend I could be even when the situation and/or obsession was extreme.

The fact that she has so many delusions about who I am and what I do is astonishing and disturbing. The fact that she feels she has to judge and give advice about things that aren't even true and are none of her business, is inappropriate and sad.

I mourn the loss of her friendship.

All things are impermanent

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Voice :: mail
   
2. Us :: them
   
3. Passionately :: dispassionately
   
4. Humbly :: pridefully
   
5. Love songs :: make me cry
   
6. Dim :: bright
   
7. Calendar :: girl
   
8. Careless :: whispers
   
9. Block :: Island
   
10. Goal :: oriented
    

I miss Bri so incredibly much...I feel as though I'm living, alone, in the home we were supposed to have together. Even though I moved, so I wouldn't get triggered by living in our old apt., I think of him all the time. Every morning I wake up and turn toward his side of the bed, expecting to see him there; when he isn't, the harsh reality of my life without him sets in...

This Friday, June 9, is the first anniversary of Mommy's death. I miss her so much; I have needed her so much this year, to help me through the horrible times I've been through. But ironically, her death is one of the most horrible and painful events of my life...

Wednesday, when I have surgery, no one will be there to go with me or stay with me or visit me in the hospital Wednesday night or help me get home...Brian was so wonderful--he was always there to support and help and love me.

I think one of the worst feelings I know is to feel unloved.

The flood of tears continues...

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Fraud :: email
   
2. Cure :: diabetes
   
3. Slate :: clean
   
4. Pretentious :: fake
   
5. Splendid :: pretentious
   
6. Geek :: cool
   
7. Blister :: sister
   
8. Pizza :: pie
   
9. Revive :: save
   
10. Visionary :: unusual
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Bounce :: ball
   
2. Wasting time :: unconscious
   
3. Utility :: bill
   
4. London :: Bridge is Falling Down
   
5. Pregnant :: population explosion
   
6. Cranberry :: juice
   
7. International :: relations
   
8. Disappointment :: rampant
   
9. Sponsor :: addiction
   
10. Second :: every second counts
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Yours :: mine
   
2. Charcoal :: grill
   
3. Platitude :: insincere
   
4. Graduation :: day
   
5. Hungry :: angry, lonely, tired
   
6. Somewhere :: over the rainbow
   
7. Nurse :: Ratchett
   
8. Freak :: super
   
9. Unbelievable :: incredible
   
10. Walk :: away
    

I say ... and you think ...

1. Represent :: lawyer
   
2. Mumbling :: children
   
3. Meetup :: get together
   
4. Tantalizing :: fascinating
   
5. Fake :: not real
   
6. Dale :: Hill and
   
7. Deny :: don't allow
   
8. Calories :: energy
   
9. Roll :: and butter
   
10. 44 :: Route
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Out of place :: out of time
   
2. Helicopter :: ride
   
3. Francis :: Scott Key
   
4. Ryan :: O'Neill
   
5. Wedding :: bells
   
6. Apalled :: disgusted
   
7. Historian :: Kim
   
8. Powerful :: strong
   
9. Sex symbol :: artificial
   
10. Uncomfortable :: ill at ease
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Rising :: sun
   
2. Third :: Reich
   
3. Disruptive :: moving
   
4. Surround :: sound
   
5. Distant :: train
   
6. Suction :: letting go
   
7. Fried :: calamari
   
8. Nuggets :: chicken
   
9. Clip :: paper
   
10. San Antonio :: Texas
    

I woke up today with Suzanne Vega's "Small Blue Thing" in my head, so I added it to my current iTunes mix and was listening to it, feeling sad that today would bring no flowers from mommy, no Easter cards or baskets, no bunny...

And then the phone rang, with Rusty and Laura singing "Peter Cottontail!" It was cute and sweet and poignant...Rusty offered to get me food from the Easter buffet (not knowing that I'd arranged to do it myself, this being my last Sunday there...), and he'd offered to come over and visit this afternoon/evening, thinking I'd be alone and sad (which I would have, had Kim not called and set up some time together including seeing "Brokeback Mountain" at the Film Forum. If I don't go out with her and her "colleagues" from work for dinner afterward, Rusty invited me to call and maybe he could come over...

So a day that was looking so long, lost, empty and formidable has been filled with friendship...loving thoughtfulness...

And LL & R suggested a dinner/movie scenario for tomorrow night...and Rusty offered to come back here Tuesday to finish packing up some of the more sensitive items.

I feel truly blessed to have such wonderful friends...

Happy Easter, bunny...

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Ambition :: force
   
2. Meatloaf :: sammitchez
   
3. Celebrity :: fame
   
4. Coach :: motivator
   
5. Slacker :: "Slackers"
   
6. Reflection :: mirror
   
7. Original :: unique
   
8. Risk :: leap
   
9. Saved :: rescued
   
10. June :: weddings
    
    
    
    // posted by Gini @ 7:23 AM 0 comments

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Buck :: Henry
   
2. Harry :: Potter
   
3. Play :: games
   
4. Monstrosity :: ugly
   
5. Nightclub :: old-fashioned
   
6. Missing :: link
   
7. Sprout :: bean
   
8. Flavor :: taste
   
9. Identity :: mistaken
   
10. Saucy :: sweet
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Desire :: suffering
   
2. Sleep :: debt
   
3. Lost :: forever
   
4. 2006 :: worst
   
5. Pump :: handle
   
6. Space :: needle
   
7. Stuck :: in time
   
8. Reference:: material
   
9. Birth:: death
   
10. Hand:: helping
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Glass castle:: glass slipper
   
2. Preserved:: embalmed
   
3. Jealousy:: ugly
   
4. Territory:: Yukon
   
5. Coffee:: tea
   
6. Stephen:: King
   
7. Slut:: loose woman
   
8. Dynamic:: powerful
   
9. Daybreak:: dawn
   
10. Dew:: morning
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Sugar rush:: Mt. Dew
   
2. Chemical:: dependency
   
3. Suspension:: bridge
   
4. Defending:: Your Life
   
5. Conference:: call
   
6. Dance:: fever
   
7. Weather:: report
   
8. Fuel:: cost
   
9. Heartbreak:: constant
   
10. Insult:: injury
    

I say ... you think ... ?

1. Displacement:: forced
   
2. Grease monkey:: paint
   
3. Vacancy:: no
   
4. Conquer:: divide
   
5. Payroll:: taxes
   
6. Personal:: grief
   
7. Housewife:: mother
   
8. Lateral:: sideways
   
9. Tissue:: kleenex
   
10. Multiplication:: division
    

I say ... and you think ...?

1. Upgrade:: software
   
2. Happy ending:: fairytale
   
3. Stale:: bread
   
4. Tripping:: falling
   
5. Working:: too hard
   
6. Explicit:: clear
   
7. Happy place:: don't have any
   
8. Tornado:: my life
   
9. Medication:: helps
   
10. Muppet:: Jim Henson
    

I say ... and you think ...?

1. Baby step:: slow
   
2. Wasted:: life
   
3. Reggie:: Jackson
   
4. Pitiful:: me
   
5. Acting out:: fantasies
   
6. Tomato:: soup
   
7. Bad night:: every night
   
8. Trip:: fall
   
9. Finance charges:: suck
   
10. Sport:: bad
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Right time:: none
   
2. Funeral:: sorrow
   
3. Calculate:: plan
   
4. Believe me:: why didn't you?
   
5. Chat:: never again
   
6. Anniversary:: April 24
   
7. Let you down:: why did you?
   
8. Shout:: cry
   
9. Sweatsock:: old
   
10. Prayer:: didn't prevent it
    

I say ... and you think ...?

1. Taking sides:: contentious
   
2. Couples:: therapy
   
3. Right of refusal:: justified
   
4. Marla:: Maples
   
5. Multiple:: orgasms
   
6. Trinity:: Holy
   
7. Sneeze:: Bless You!
   
8. Sweatpants:: sweatshirt
   
9. Steve:: McQueen
   
10. Fabulous:: marvelous
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Long distance:: call
   
2. Meant to be:: fate
   
3. Here:: now
   
4. Endless:: love
   
5. Resentment:: unfair
   
6. Insipid:: stupid
   
7. Bunny:: Bri
   
8. Slogan:: jingle
   
9. Naked:: truth
   
10. Sarcasm:: unnecessary
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Alone:: lonely
   
2. Science:: art
   
3. Deposit:: bank
   
4. Faithful:: honest
   
5. Tender:: loving
   
6. Chocolate:: decadent
   
7. Homework:: assignment
   
8. Tamper:: disturb
   
9. Friend:: precious
   
10. Wire:: garotte
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Paralyzed:: immobile
   
2. Bossy:: overbearing
   
3. Worth:: value
   
4. Breathing:: necessary
   
5. Uneventful:: quiet
   
6. Return:: recurrence
   
7. Splint:: broken
   
8. Notice:: become aware
   
9. Hero:: villain
   
10. Vulnerable:: easily hurt
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Better off:: dead
   
2. Girls:: just wanna have fun
   
3. Uniform:: same
   
4. Classified:: ad
   
5. Hard:: candy
   
6. Kitty:: cat
   
7. Team:: player
   
8. Massive:: heart attack
   
9. Depressed:: suicidal
   
10. Award:: prize
    

1. Celebrate:: nothing
   
2. Resolve: made to be broken
   
3. I need to:: find some helium
   
4. Call:: for help
   
5. Token:: memory
   
6. Brand:: sear flesh
   
7. Comparison:: odious
   
8. Far away:: love
   
9. Artful:: dodger
   
10. Fantastic:: unreal world
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Replenish:: refill
   
2. People:: Magazine
   
3. Trend:: fad
   
4. Girlfriends:: fickle
   
5. Spirit:: light
   
6. Banshee:: scream
   
7. Oasis:: desert
   
8. Thrills:: & chills
   
9. Fountain:: soda
   
10. Boxes:: stuff
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Stalker:: fear
   
2. Outrageous:: wild
   
3. Carrying:: on
   
4. Spirited:: horse
   
5. Oh!:: my!
   
6. Grid:: lock
   
7. Country:: home
   
8. Karen:: Carpenter
   
9. Candles:: burn
   
10. Relationship:: meaningful
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Amazing:: incredible
   
2. Delights:: pleasures
   
3. Inspired:: creative
   
4. Disgusted:: displeased
   
5. You:: me
   
6. Vagina:: Monologues
   
7. Palm:: tree
   
8. Sweetheart:: bunny
   
9. Guilt:: forgiveness
   
10. More to come:: to be continued
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Stuffed:: shirt
   
2. Armstrong:: D 'n' V
   
3. Bruise:: bleed
   
4. Content:: happy
   
5. Musical:: instrument
   
6. Assistance:: help
   
7. Scrambling:: eggs
   
8. Battle:: axe
   
9. Extended:: Discourses
   
10. Discount:: sale
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Heads up:: warning
   
2. Kicker:: screamer
   
3. Aggressive:: obnoxious
   
4. Getting ugly:: with age
   
5. To be continued:: oh no!
   
6. Twist:: and shout
   
7. Form:: fill out
   
8. On the road:: again
   
9. Import:: export
   
10. Flowers:: love
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Mighty:: mouse
   
2. Gotta find time to ....:: pay the bills
   
3. Statistic:: meaningless
   
4. Midnight:: hour
   
5. Thaw:: January
   
6. Hips:: rose
   
7. Reader:: meter
   
8. Related:: relatives
   
9. Brilliant:: genius
   
10. Posture:: yoga
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Deeper and deeper:: and deeper
   
2. Can’t help .... :: lovin' that man o' mine
   
3. Devil’s advocate:: play
   
4. Superpower:: evil
   
5. Threatening:: storm
   
6. Played:: out
   
7. War:: what is it good for? Absolutely nothing!
   
8. Violate:: devastate
   
9. Invest:: stocks
   
10. Choke:: Heimlich
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Unbreakable:: Bruce Willis
   
2. Have mercy:: on me oh Lord
   
3. Do it better:: taskmaster
   
4. Settle scores:: men
   
5. Comments:: feedback
   
6. Craziest thing:: happened
   
7. Apple:: orange
   
8. Halloween:: candy
   
9. Manageable:: under control
   
10. Trick:: or treat
    

I say ... and you think ...?

1. Infiltration:: attack
   
2. Nice person:: rare
   
3. Debt:: owe
   
4. Settle down:: peace
   
5. Thomas:: Edison
   
6. Unforgivable:: cruelty
   
7. Medicine:: pills
   
8. A year from now:: the unknown
   
9. Neighbors:: footsteps
   
10. Dripping:: wet
    

I say ... and you think ...?

1. On the verge:: of a nervous breakdown
   
2. Tempestuous:: extremely stormy
   
3. Coherent:: understandable
   
4. Near death:: experience
   
5. Illiterate:: uneducated
   
6. Why not?:: indeed!
   
7. Period:: of time
   
8. Long lost:: friend
   
9. Torrid:: affair
   
10. Nail:: hammer
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Quirk:: oddity
   
2. Crystal:: quartz
   
3. Pet Peeve:: common annoyance
   
4. Cuban:: cigar
   
5. Breasts:: nipples
   
6. Whispers:: secrets
   
7. Complicated:: complex
   
8. Promise me:: pledge your honor
   
9. Murder:: kill
   
10. Filament:: thread
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Quaint:: old-fashioned
   
2. Rind:: lemon
   
3. Disease:: illness
   
4. Queer:: homo
   
5. Pork:: rind
   
6. Soaked:: saturated
   
7. Skeleton:: bones
   
8. Mold:: black
   
9. Finished:: completed
   
10. Buffalo:: nickel
    

I say ... and you think ...

1. Crave:: desire
   
2. Whole package:: all-inclusive
   
3. Roommates:: share
   
4. 5:30:: 6:00
   
5. Lesbian:: gay
   
6. Poignant:: heartfelt
   
7. Hurtful:: mean
   
8. You and I:: together
   
9. Grateful:: thankful
   
10. Giggle:: silly
    

I say ... and you think ...

1. Less filling:: dietetic
   
2. Glue:: sniff
   
3. Surprise me:: please!
   
4. Model:: anorexic
   
5. Fee:: for service
   
6. Microphone:: stand
   
7. Choices:: alternatives
   
8. To the bone:: weary
   
9. Run!:: Hide!
   
10. Appeal:: court
    

I say ... and you think ...

1. Related:: unrelated
   
2. Soothing:: gentle
   
3. Flashback:: LSD
   
4. Turmoil:: struggle
   
5. Immense:: huge
   
6. Guitar:: string
   
7. Nonsense:: no
   
8. Blame:: no
   
9. Childlike:: innocent
   
10. Duff:: Hillary
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Julie:: Andrews
   
2. Emotional:: intellectual
   
3. Head of household:: variable
   
4. Diva:: self-importance
   
5. Devastation:: disaster
   
6. Business or pleasure:: travel
   
7. Crown:: chakra
   
8. Eastern:: religion
   
9. Buzzed:: inebriated
   
10. Officer:: gentleman
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Girlfriends:: boyfriends
   
2. Here to stay:: our love
   
3. Call me:: anytime
   
4. Frustrated:: helpless
   
5. Public school:: private school
   
6. Glitch:: snafu
   
7. Cheese:: melted
   
8. Director:: Manager
   
9. Pivotal:: crucial
   
10. Exclusive:: inclusive
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Fan:: mail
   
2. Scum:: bag
   
3. Lily:: Loveday
   
4. Humid:: unbearable
   
5. Ghetto:: Chopper
   
6. Remember me?:: i doubt it
   
7. Polished:: composed
   
8. Compose:: create
   
9. Squish:: squash
   
10. Future:: past
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Idiot:: stupid
   
2. Rocket:: science
   
3. Liability:: insurance
   
4. Harmless:: as a fly
   
5. Stringy:: hair
   
6. Theater:: movie
   
7. Gwyneth:: Paltro
   
8. Use it or lose it:: aphorism
   
9. Sonic:: boom
   
10. Pucker:: up
    

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Complexion:: face
   
2. Teach:: learn
   
3. Back to school:: arrggh!
   
4. Months:: 9
   
5. Nominate:: figurehead
   
6. Favorite curse word:: sh--!
   
7. Concerned:: worried
   
8. Better:: best
   
9. Escalate:: out of control
   
10. Unveil:: reveal
    

1. Risks:: take
   
2. Abdominal:: pain
   
3. Radiant:: light
   
4. The usual:: old ----
   
5. Mix and match:: outfits
   
6. Wireless:: internet
   
7. Remedial:: classes
   
8. Mile:: long
   
9. Long lost:: friend
   
10. Only one:: left
    

1. Believing:: seeing is
   
2. Invasion:: of privacy
   
3. Boys:: girls
   
4. Island:: paradise
   
5. Repeatedly:: redundantly
   
6. Normal:: abnormal
   
7. Hex:: voodoo
   
8. Tuxedo:: formal
   
9. Virgin:: Mary
   
10. Cereal:: breakfast
    

"But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight"
~Alanis Morissette

My therapist cancelled my last scheduled appointment before we leave for CT to clean out my mom's apartment. I've been highly anxious, volatile, and ill, and was having an emotional day, needing the session. My therapist couldn't come because she scheduled an appointment before mine and her doctor was running late. I tried to find out if we could find time for another session before we leave but she had no time for me. In the course of our conversation, she mentioned that she was having a garage sale today. I got excited, knowing she'd be selling quality items and probably nice jewelry. I asked her when and where it was, but she wouldn't tell me, saying something about keeping our (therapist-patient) boundaries.

I found the probable address and time of the sale in the classified section of the paper. I really really really wanted to go.
Knowing that anyone in the world who wanted to go to this garage sale was welcome except for me made me cry more than I've cried in weeks. I kept sobbing, "It's UNFAIR! It's UNFAIR!" Because it was and is and ever shall be. I'm angry and depressed and crazy. I needed that session. And I needed to know that I could go out and do something fun, reminiscent of my former life, to feel like I'm not such a disabled shut-in, knowing that it would be fun and worthwhile going to that garage sale.

But I, I'm not allowed, I'm uninvited...an unfortunate slight...indeed. Another in a lifetime of rejections...

1. Tolerate:: accept
   
2. Release:: me
   
3. My soul:: thirsts
   
4. Sax:: saxophone
   
5. HP:: Hewlett Packard
   
6. Worth:: value
   
7. Rockstar:: fame
   
8. Terrify:: frighten
   
9. Knock me off my feet:: knock my sox off
   
10. Taunt:: tease
    

1. Do-it-yourself:: homemade
   
2. Pickpocket:: thief
   
3. Ballet:: grace
   
4. Resumé:: job
   
5. Phenom:: phenomenon
   
6. Love/Hate:: relationship
   
7. Unusual:: different
   
8. Intense:: extreme
   
9. Interruption:: unwelcome
   
10. Not enough:: too much
    

1. Statistics:: lies
   
2. Grin:: frown
   
3. Saturn:: return
   
4. Fulfilled:: lucky
   
5. Life plan:: unknown
   
6. Cult:: satanic
   
7. Lily:: tiger
   
8. Stalemate:: stubborn
   
9. Celebration:: observance
   
10. Underwear:: optional
    

1. Useless:: stupid
   
2. Radiant:: dull
   
3. W:: stupid
   
4. Unpaid:: bills
   
5. Geek:: nerd
   
6. Unfaithful:: unforgiveable
   
7. Reboot:: wait
   
8. No!:: Yes!
   
9. Squad:: mod
   
10. Fetish:: pervert
    

THE TIDE RECEDES

The tide recedes,
But leaves behind
Bright seashells on the sand.
The sun goes down,
But gentle warmth
Still lingers on the land.
The music stops,
And yet it echoes on
In sweet refrains...
For every joy that passes,
Something beautiful remains.

~Author Unknown


SWEET DREAMS

Peacefully, sleep comes to a dear beloved heart.
Quietly, we understand the time has come to part.
Tenderly, the love shines on ...a never-ending light.
Gratefully, we feel its warmth and say,
"Sweet dreams, good-night."

~Author Unknown


SHE IS GONE

You can shed tears that she is gone,
Or you can smile because she lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

~Author Unknown


DEATH IS A HORIZON

Life is eternal;
and love is immortal;
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.

~Author: Rossiter Worthington Raymond 1840-1918

Here is my beloved mommy's obituary. In latter years, especially the past 7 years since my Daddy's stroke and subsequent passing, mommy and I had spoken at length on the phone nearly daily. We became the closest of friends, supporting each other through all that life sent our way. I believe that Mommy's heart broke when Daddy died; in the following years she suffered from congestive heart failure and a number of other maladies. After a series of traumatic brain injuries incurred as a result of repeated falls, Mommy's heart gave out while receiving care at St. Mary Rehabilitation Center, next door to her home at The McAuley in West Hartford, CT. My brother witnessed her death at St. Francis Hospital. There was not enough time for Brian and me to get there, but I had been talking to Mommy on the phone immediately before her death and was able to send my love and say goodbye to her.

Conard, Annette Kennedy Hall. Annette H. Conard, of West Hartford, beloved wife of the late Frederick U. Conard, Jr., died at St. Francis Hospital on Thursday, (June 9, 2005). The daughter of the late Frederick Parrott and Virginia (Mullins) Hall, she was born September 6, 1922 in Orange, New Jersey. She moved from South Orange, New Jersey to West Hartford after her marriage to Frederick. Their marriage of fifty-seven years was blessed from the beginning. A graduate of Pratt Institute in Brooklyn, New York, Anne was a talented artist and graphic designer. Working as a free-lance artist, she designed a vast array of graphics for many publications and for many years volunteered to design and hand-draw the route map for the Hartford Art School's House and Garden Tour. She loved music, and was a talented singer. She sang in groups such as "The Better Half Notes" and the "Treble Clefs." She was a committed and valued member of the Hartford Art School Board. She was also a member of the Board of Directors of the American School for the Deaf and member of the Town and County Club and "Seed and Weed" Garden Club. A member of Asylum Hill Congregational Church, she participated in many church functions. She joined the Junior League of West Hartford, doing volunteer work and later became a sustaining member. She is survived by her son, Frederick U. Conard, III MD of West Hartford, and her daughter, Virginia Hall Conard, of Saratoga Springs, New York. Her predeceased grandson was Michael Frederick Conard also of West Hartford. She leaves her nieces and nephew, Kathy and Michael Minsch, and Cindy Martin. A Memorial Service will be held at 11:00 A.M. on Tuesday, June 14 at Asylum Hill Congregational Church, 814 Asylum Avenue, Hartford, in the main sanctuary. The family requests that memorial contributions be sent in loving memory of Annette Hall Conard and her beloved grandson Michael Frederick Conard, to:

Cystinosis Research Network
10 Pine Avenue, Burlington, Massachusetts 01803 USA
(Toll Free: 1-866-276-3669 Tel: (781) 229-6182
Fax: (781) 229-6182 E-Mail: CRN@cystinosis.org
The CRN Federal Tax ID # is 04-3323789)

1. Domesticated:: animal
   
2. Cask:: wine
   
3. Wayne:: Newton
   
4. Insidious:: untrustworthy
   
5. Cool!:: Cool Beans!
   
6. Dishwasher:: detergent
   
7. Little house:: on the Prairie
   
8. Stepford:: Wives
   
9. Hung:: jury
   
10. Falling:: down
    

1. Wally:: Walla Walla, WA
   
2. Phantom:: memory
   
3. Slippery:: slope
   
4. Fungus:: tree art
   
5. Slot:: machine
   
6. Type:: face
   
7. Discharge:: papers
   
8. "We need to talk”:: "Uh oh"
   
9. On the spot:: Johnny
   
10. Liquid:: paper
    

1. Exhibit:: art
   
2. Evolution:: creation
   
3. Loser:: winner
   
4. Hypnotic:: trance
   
5. Unlikely:: likely
   
6. Interrupt:: rude
   
7. Ambivalent:: indecisive
   
8. Rise and fall:: breath
   
9. Indian:: Native American
   
10. Prophecy:: Nostradamus
    

1. Crowd:: ugly
   
2. Hamburger:: hot dog
   
3. Choker:: ribbon
   
4. Lights:: bright
   
5. Tinsel:: Christmas
   
6. Testament:: New
   
7. Best part of the day:: bunny time
   
8. Election:: useless
   
9. Clarinet:: practice
   
10. Cake or death:: diabetes
    

1. Heimlich:: maneuver
   
2. Gesture:: empty
   
3. Party:: favours
   
4. Cuddle:: snuggle
   
5. Room with a view:: I'd like to have one
   
6. Sebastian:: Bach
   
7. Ooooh:: dear
   
8. Sigh:: relief
   
9. Two fish, three fish:: four fish
   
10. Cake or death:: diabetes
    

Mommy's in the hospital again, having fallen 3x this week. The last fall gave her another TBI, and a big swollen black eye. It's been trauma central here, too many details to record...but today I woke up to this song in my head, which has stayed with me all day:

LIFE GOES ON

Life goes on beyond the tempest and the rain
Beyond the sorrow and the pain
Life goes on

Life goes on past disappointment and regret
When hope is all that we have left
Life goes on

The sun will rise another day
The flowers they will bloom again
The wind will sweep the clouds away and healing will begin
Life goes on

Life goes on past broken hearts and lonely nights
Beyond the darkness lies the light
And life goes on

Life goes on when all we thought we had was gone
We turn around and there's the dawn
Life goes on

The sun will rise another day
The flowers they will bloom again
The wind will sweep the clouds away and healing will begin
Life goes on

The sun will rise another day
The flowers they will bloom again
The wind will sweep the clouds away and healing will begin
Life goes on

~Victoria Armstrong

Thank you, D 'n' V, my friends. Your music and lyrics are a great gift.
Go to: http://www.donandvictoria.com/

1. Grandma:: Grandpa
   
2. Pet:: Fur
   
3. Desolate:: Isolated
   
4. Backspace:: Key
   
5. Common ground:: Sharing
   
6. Storm:: Clouds
   
7. Dark:: Light
   
8. Water bottle:: Camping
   
9. Training:: Program
   
10. Dot coms:: Volatile
    

1. Android:: robot
   
2. Revenge:: poison
   
3. Knight:: shining armour
   
4. Stranded:: desert island
   
5. Weakness:: strength
   
6. Greed:: neverending
   
7. Walter:: Reed
   
8. Dense:: thick
   
9. Sheep:: herd
   
10. Propane:: tank
    

1. Texas:: stupid
   
2. Scholarship:: earn
   
3. Runner-up:: sad
   
4. Mustang Sally:: soul
   
5. Jones:: Howard
   
6. Hard to get:: play
   
7. Jewish:: faith
   
8. Crew:: cast
   
9. Cable:: tv
   
10. Assistant:: helper
    

1. Detachment:: attachment
   
2. Regard:: unconditional positive
   
3. Community:: commune
   
4. Strike three:: you're out!
   
5. Congregation:: church
   
6. Generous:: kind
   
7. Pretention:: odious
   
8. Pregnant:: pause
   
9. Drinking:: alcoholic
   
10. Brilliance:: radiance
    

1. Great escape:: amusement
   
2. Cluster:: grouping
   
3. Wrong place, wrong time:: right place, right time
   
4. Guided:: tour
   
5. Forensics:: investigation
   
6. Pros:: cons
   
7. Safety deposit box:: valuables
   
8. Quadrant:: northeast
   
9. Precisely:: exactly
   
10. Who are you?:: The Who
    

1. Horrendous:: horrific
   
2. Home video:: home movie
   
3. What a girl wants:: love
   
4. Grounded:: fog
   
5. Trusting:: naive
   
6. Simplistic:: incomplete
   
7. Buzz:: bee
   
8. Balcony:: edge
   
9. Roar::lion
   
10. Hooker:: pimp
    

1. Renewal:: Hope
   
2. Someone to talk to:: Necessary
   
3. Count:: Dracula
   
4. Expiration:: Inspiration
   
5. Upload:: Download
   
6. Publish:: Public
   
7. Holy:: Spirit
   
8. Change in the air:: Refresh
   
9. Titillating:: Exciting
   
10. Glorious:: Appearing
    

You Are In a Good Mood

Today, you're feeling pretty together and happy. While not everything is going you're way, you're keeping things in perspective. And it seems like things are looking up for you!

1. I’m waiting:: for you
   
2. Speak:: woof!
   
3. Roger...:: wilco
   
4. Knock knock:: who's there?
   
5. Hybrid:: Prius
   
6. Can’t believe my eyes:: OMG
   
7. Hooked:: on you
   
8. Pontificate:: politician
   
9. Slime:: bucket
   
10. Unwelcome:: welcome
    

The Ancient Tarot

What's in the cards for you?

Gini, we're going to start your reading with the second card you picked, Death.

Present

The card you picked in the second position represents your current state of life. Approximately 90% people who pick The Death card in the second position say that it accurately matches what's happening at the present time. This card symbolizes transformation and rebirth. Right now, in your present, you're in a phase of complete transformation. Getting this card in this position is a sign that you're ready to...
**************************
(All I know is that I'm *not* ready to spend $20 to find out!)

~tease by Tickle.com

Which Relationship is Right for You?

Gini, the thing you need most in a relationship is Deep Connection

In your ideal relationship you and you partner would be deeply and passionately connected. This sense of intimacy is really important for you. As is the need for certain rules and an understanding of who wields the power in your relationship. But regardless of how this works, your deep need for this kind of closeness will ultimately drive your relationship.

Other possible results:

Connection and Partnership
Deep Connection
Flexible Independence
Quiet Stability
Steady Comfort

~courtesty of Tickle.com

You Are Depressed

No doubt about it, you're feeling very down. Maybe you've had a bad day, or maybe you need help. Either way, make sure to take good care of yourself right now.

You Are 31 Years Old

31 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

You Are A Good Friend

You're always willing to listen Or lend a shoulder to cry on You're there through thick and thin Many people consider you their "best friend"!

What Are You Looking for in a Relationship?

Gini, you're looking for a Soul Mate

Who needs a fling when what you want is the whole fairytale: long walks on the beach, up-all-night conversations, and watching sunrises/sunsets in each other's arms. You're probably a picky dater who doesn't connect with just anyone. Sure a strong intellectual streak, loyalty, and a great sense of humor are terrific selling points. But if your dates can't savor romance like you do, it might be the perfect match you're dreaming of. You're hoping to find your other half, that one person who can finish your sentences, someone who really 'gets' your inner emotions. And until you find them, you probably don't mind flying solo every now and then. That's because deep down, you know that being with the wrong someone is just an obstacle to being with your one-and-only. So even as you're reading this and thinking about how to find them, know that somewhere out there, they're probably wondering the same about you. It's just a matter of time.

1. Stink:: smell
   
2. Renewal:: regrowth
   
3. I remember...:: precious love
   
4. Loneliness:: isolation
   
5. Ooooh:: dear
   
6. For real:: truly
   
7. Titanium:: colors
   
8. Get down:: get up
   
9. Rupture:: bleed
   
10. Dramatic:: powerful
    

~Chinese proverb

WHAT IS LOVE?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"  The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint
her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time,
even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8
========
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You
just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
========
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
========
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French
fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
========
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
========
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
 ========
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and
Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily - age 8
========
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening
presents and Listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
========
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend
who you hate." Nikka - age 6 >>
 ========
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday."    Noelle - age 7
========
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
========
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked
at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He
was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
========
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else
kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
========
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine- 5
 ========
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
========
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone
all day." Mary Ann - age 4
========
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
========
"When you love somebody, your eye lashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you." Karen - age 7
========
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you
mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
========
A four year old child whose next door neighbor was an
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man
cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his
lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to
the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
========

What does love mean to YOU?

The Enneagram Test

What the Ancient Science of Personality Says About You

Gini, you're a Type 1 - The Idealist

Friends, family, and colleagues probably appreciate you for both your high standards and commitment to excellence. They're also apt to know that when they come to you with a problem, they can trust you to be fair and objective. As an Idealist, you're likely to be seen as a wise and balanced person with strong integrity.

Being a member of this type puts you in good company. Jane Fonda with her knack for athletic ideals and commitment to standing up for just causes, and Ralph Nadar, with his idealistic determination as a consumer advocate, are also Type 1s.

This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you have a strong sense of what's right and wrong. In fact, you're someone who is typically committed to doing the right thing and making sure you're as good a person as you can be — no matter what situation arises.

Possible results:

Type 1 - The Idealist
Type 2 - The Humanitarian
Type 3 - The Entertainer
Type 4 - The Expressive
Type 5 - The Experimenter
Type 6 - The Advocate
Type 7 - The Adventurer
Type 8 - The Leader
Type 9 - The Negotiator


~courtesty of Tickle.com

1. Shape up:: or ship out
   
2. New Orleans:: Mardi Gras
   
3. In the bedroom:: I live
   
4. All the time:: is running out
   
5. Philosophy:: psychology
   
6. Tyler:: Liv
   
7. Disturbed:: perturbed
   
8. French kiss:: Meg Ryan, Kevin Kline
   
9. Solidify:: pact
   
10. Furtive:: sneaky
    

you rise like a wave in the ocean
and you fall gently back to the sea
now i want to know how to hold you
return to me
return to me

you shine like the moon over water
and you darken the sky when you leave
now i want to know how to keep you
return to me
return to me
turn to me
return to me

everything i tell you has been spoken
and everything i say was said before
but everything i feel is for the first time
and everything i feel i feel for you

i am here calling the wind
i am here calling your name
i am here calling you back
return to me
return to me

i know what it means to be lonely
and i know what it means to be free
now i want to know how to love you
return to me
return to me

i am here calling the wind
i am here calling your name
i am here calling you back
return to me
return to me

~October Project - Return To Me

What's Your Destiny?

Finding Your Purpose in Life

Gini, your destiny is to be a Provider


Whether you know it or not, this is the role that is most in tune with who you are at your core. As a Provider, you have a genuine nurturing concern for the welfare of others and you're eager to serve them. You can recognize exactly what people need and your friendly, helpful, social nature makes them feel comforted. With your kind and generous heart, you are personable, talkative, and outward with your emotions, and your openness and sensitivity makes you concerned about the way others view you. Along these lines, be careful not to blame yourself when things go wrong. You cannot prevent bad things from happening, even though your tendency to be orderly with a strong sense of right and wrong may lead you to believe you can. Accept that you do what you can to take care of things and that this will get you far in the world.

~from Tickle.com

"All I Know"

I bruise you, you bruise me
We both bruise too easily, too easily to let it show
I love you and that's all I know.

All my plans have fallen through,
All my plans depend on you, depend on you to help them grow,
I love you and that's all I know.

When the singer's gone let the song go on,
It's a fine line between the darkness and the dawn.
They say in the darkest night there's a light beyond...

But the ending always comes at last,
Endings always come too fast,
They come too fast but they pass too slow...

When the singer's gone let the song go on,
It's a fine line between the darkness and the dawn.
They say in the darkest night there's a light beyond...

But the ending always comes at last,
Endings always come too fast,
They come too fast
But they pass too slow,
I love you, and that's all I know.
That's all I know, all I know, and that's all I know.

~(Jimmy Webb)

1. You’ve got a friend:: Carol King
   
2. Immigration:: migration
   
3. Waitress:: tip
   
4. Snickers:: bar
   
5. Recognize:: know
   
6. Concept:: realize
   
7. Birthday:: happy
   
8. Told you so:: childish
   
9. Unlikely:: not impossible
   
10. Extension:: cord
    

1. Dirty work:: Steely Dan
   
2. Shopkeeper:: Owner
   
3. Goodness:: Evil
   
4. Yearning:: Suffering
   
5. Show and tell:: Grade school
   
6. Trapped:: No exit
   
7. Malcolm:: X
   
8. Season:: to taste
   
9. Bestseller:: NY Times
   
10. Desk:: Top
    

1. Judge:: jury
   
2. Detroit:: Mitch Ryder
   
3. Hyphen:: punctuate
   
4. Get it right:: get it wrong
   
5. Pulsating:: throbbing
   
6. Yoga:: peace
   
7. Memorable:: precious
   
8. Financial advisor:: helper
   
9. Ten million:: dollars
   
10. I:: II
    

1. Shelter:: Gimme
   
2. Karate Kid:: Crane
   
3. Andrew:: Jackson
   
4. Rib:: Adam's
   
5. Push it:: pull it
   
6. Creep:: crawl
   
7. Chainlink:: fence
   
8. Squash:: zucchini
   
9. No mercy:: no love
   
10. Superhero:: cartoon
    

1. Coroner:: loss
   
2. Mystify:: obfuscate
   
3. Corroborate:: help
   
4. Misinterpret:: hurt
   
5. Humorless:: lifeless
   
6. Calculus:: beyond me
   
7. Eye for an eye:: blind
   
8. CPR:: Crosby, Pevar & Raymond-wonderful!
   
9. Stitched:: thread
   
10. Facility:: ease
    

1. Material world:: Madonna
   
2. Satin sheets:: luxury
   
3. Blizzard:: whiteout
   
4. Real estate:: sale
   
5. Dress up:: go out
   
6. Wesley:: Nursing Home
   
7. Robber:: thief
   
8. Saliva:: drool
   
9. Slave:: labour
   
10. Shift:: gears
    

(see link below)

A weekly association game-don't overthink!

1. Yoda:: wise
   
2. Mensa:: smart
   
3. Pink:: girls
   
4. Text message:: phone
   
5. Galactic:: immense
   
6. Chicks:: Chirpy
   
7. Quesadilla:: warm cheese
   
8. Backpack:: hike
   
9. Socket:: electricity
   
10. Compromise:: peace
    

Link to: Unconscious Mutterings

You Are From Neptune

You are dreamy and mystical, with a natural psychic ability. You love music, poetry, dance, and (most of all) the open sea. Your soul is filled with possibilities, and your heart overflows with compassion. You can be in a room full of friendly people and feel all alone. If you don't get carried away with one idea, your spiritual nature will see you through anything.

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend. You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

My IQ has increased recently, as has Brian's--although he's still in a higher realm...

Last time I took the IQ test at Tickle.com my score was 120 something...lower than I'd expected. This time the result was:

"Your IQ score is 133

Your Intellectual Type is Facts Curator. This means you are highly intelligent and have picked up an impressive and unique collection of facts and figures over the years. You've got a remarkable vocabulary and exceptional math skills — which puts you in the same class as brainiacs like Bill Gates. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results."

OK, wise guys, "SHOW ME THE MONEY!" ;-)

I AM 29% GEEK! You probably work in computers, or a history deptartment at a college. You never really fit in with the "normal" crowd. But you have friends, and this is a good thing. Take the GEEK test at Fuali.com

Here are some reasons why Kerry should be declared winner of tonight's Presidential debate, and furthermore, why he will make a much better President than Bush:

Kerry displayed far more dignity in his demeanor and response to criticism than Bush. Kerry was a convincing and articulate speaker, and has always pronounced the word "nuclear" correctly. For a President of the United States to speak haltingly, using poor grammar and incorrect pronunciation, is a travesty. During nearly every point Kerry made, Bush frowned, looking angry or frustrated (poor loser). When Bush made a negative reference to Kerry, Kerry made notes and either kept a neutral face or even smiled. Kerry's overall behavior was much more Presidential than Bush's.

These are but a few of the reasons I feel Kerry deserves to be named winner of tonight's Presidential debate.

As a citizen of the United States, I want a President who IS dignified, educated, and well-versed in political and military issues (for example, someone who has been a Senator, been a good student, taken his/her military duty seriously and courageously--someone who is capable of reading and even writing a book). The President of the United States SHOULD be ready, willing, and proactive in establishing (re-establishing, in this case) peaceful relationships with other countries (e.g., all of our former allies whom Bush has alienated). He or she should NOT be a maverick, jumping the gun, ignoring pubic opinion (everyman, not just the rich elite), ignoring the UN, refusing to join the International Criminal Justice system, taking away his own country's citizens' constitutional rights, bankrupting the country in record-breaking time, denouncing scientific research which could cure disease and help recover our crippled environment, and using the terrorist attack of one group to, unprovoked, invade a wholly different and unrelated country. Tonight John Kerry showed that he could be a TRUE President, not the sorry excuse we've had during the past couple of years (when Bush wasn't on vacation).

President Bush is an example of the worst kind of politician. Rich, privileged, spoiled, stupid, uneducated, lazy, untrustworthy, spiteful, prejudiced, stubborn, and without conscience. He is responsible for the pain, tragedy, and death of our young people who have had to go to war for ALL the wrong reasons. Not to mention the masses of innocents from other countries who have been killed in this so-called war. Bush represents the eye-for-an-eye mentality...but that only causes everyone to end up blind.

I CAN'T CRY

I can't cry while it's too serious
I can't cry in order to be strong
To be of help I have to be a rock
I hope this doesn't last too long

I can't cry when I have to help
I can't cry because everything's gotten worse
From bad to critical, chronic to acute
I feel as though we're under a curse

I can't cry while things are so bad
I can't cry, I have to hold it in
It's just too much, it's overwhelming
I wish it could change but chances are slim

I can't cry even though I so need to
I can't cry while I cling to desperate hope
Because this is going to last for so long
I build a fortress around me to stay strong

I can't cry while the one I love suffers
I can't cry as the injury lingers
This is so much worse than it ever was before
She is oblivious, unknowing, can speak no more

I cannot cry, I'm afraid of the deluge
I cannot cry because I feel I'd lose it then
This is the long term, a loss I have feared so long
I cannot cry because I must remain strong

With memory gone, everything is so wrong
And I can't cry.

© Virginia H. Conard


LOST AND ALONE

You've gone away, through injury
Your voice is flat, you rarely speak
And when you do you are confused
Unable to express yourself

Your thoughts arise, you start to talk
But then before the words begin
Your idea fades and you forget
What you began to start to say

And then you struggle with the words
Desperate to hold the thought
But by that time it fades away
Leaving frustration in its wake

Your memory is almost nil
Until I mention something, then
at times you can remember bits
and pieces of what brought you here

The next time that we speak I hear
the emptiness, confusion there
Everything we spoke about
has gone away, nothing remains

When I explain what's happening
The what and why and what's to be
You're so confused, you simply say,
"Why are you saying all this to me?"

We're in a foreign territory
Where everything is uncharted
You don't understand, don't remember
I don't know how I can help

Beneath the empty affect I know
that the love is always there
But it's so hard to hear you struggle
Frustrated, just lying there

Lost and alone.

© Virginia H. Conard

**********************************
The following came to me after having a number of recurrent dreams/dreams with recurrent themes and characters from my past. My guess is that these images represent issues waiting for resolution. After having EMDR and partial exposure, they hide naked and ready to flash through my unconscious until more work is done to put these ghosts to rest...

ASTRAL UNFINISHED BUSINESS

I must have some kind of unfinished business
Or otherwise I'd not be dreaming of you
The you that I dream of I know is symbolic
But the dramas we play speak of issues not through

The stars of these dreams are spare and selective
A limited few among legions from past
An understudy will sometimes come calling
The norm, though, are regular leads in the cast

The primary torment is from the most recent
I follow him, seeking him, need him to want me
Behavior unchanged, he mistreats me again
And in these dreams he constantly taunts me

Another lead actor is one of the first ones
He offers me new hope of love's second chance
Behavior controlled, never showing emotion
He turns away quickly, dysfunctional dance

The other main characters switch unpredictably
Once I had come home from being away
In love, we planned to be living together
Upon my return I choose apart the way

The guilt this produces is painful and sad
Empty and lonely, I desperately seek you
But you are unreachable, cold, or don't want me
My broken promise ensuring that we're through

The cycle of unfinished business begins again
Our first leading man unexpectedly back
He comes and goes as he pleases, as ever was
With parties and women, using all the esteem I lack

The mystery here is that you won't just go away
In these realms you have magnetic field
Drawing me to you in spite of your callousness
You throw me a bone, like a puppy I yield

I thought that in waking time this was all finished
I told you to leave, having endured enough
I finally saw there was nothing romantic
You just took advantage and I called your bluff

I don't understand why in dreams you all haunt me
My waking life wonderful, all I could wish for
My love is forever, eternal and sacred
To live with one's soulmate is never to want more

This said, and knowing that dreaming is metaphor
Why do you torment me night after night?
These unresolved issues disturb fragile psyche
And all I want now is to set things right

So all of these ghosts will say "good night."

© Virginia H. Conard

********************************************

And now some lyrics from Alanis Morissette which are relevant both to the above and to the situation with my family:

THIS GRUDGE
(by Alanis Morissette)

Fourteen years
thirty minutes
fifteen seconds I've
held this grudge

Eleven songs
four full journals
thoughts of punishment
I've expended

Not in contact
not a letter
such communication
telepathic
you've been vilified
used as fodder
you deserve a piece
of every record

But who's it hurting now?
Who's the one that's stuck?
Who's it torturing now
with an antique knot in her stomach?

I want to be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
all this time I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

Like an abandoned house
dusty covered
furniture
still intact

If I visit it now
will I simply re-live it
somehow gratuitous

But who's still aching now?
Who's tired of her own voice?
Who is it weighing down
With no gift from time of said healing
I want to be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
all this time I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

Maybe as I cut the cord
veils will lift from my eyes
Maybe as I lay this to rest
dead weight off my shoulders will rise

Here I sit
much determined
ever ill-equipped
to draw this curtain
how this has entertained
validated
and has served me well
ever the victim

But who's done whining now
Who's ready to put down
this load I've carried
longer than I had cared to remember
I want to be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old

For the life of me I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

This fun little questionnaire tells you which OS you most resemble--I took it and lo and behold: Bri & I are both Palms...a lovely tree to be!

Which OS are You?

When I was in high school, I used to write "poetry" (all rhyming quatrains) about my adolescent extremes. My dad even showed some of my work to a poet and former professor of his from college (sweet proud father that he was). The poet's polite comment was something like, "Very emotive. Her poems express the angst of youth. No doubt they will mature with time." Or something like that. In other words, these poems are the stuff of a silly high school girl imagining she is confronting the most important philosophical and emotional issues possible, when actually she is merely expressing typical feelings of adolescence.

That was then; this is now. The following are a series of "poems" and writings which arose out of an assignment given to me by my therapist. Once I started writing, I found a seemingly endless well of topics for emotional purging. Here are some of them (in order, from first to latest):

LETTING GO

Letting go means living in the present moment
Letting go implies forgiveness of oneself and others
Letting go is a process which can be profoundly painful
Letting go, achieved fully, grants unbounded freedom

In order to let go we're often taken to the darkest places
Hated faces, self and others, sisters, brothers
Memory chases, time displaces

The darkness overwhelms
We keep on clinging
Each past slight stinging
Sorrow bringing
Memories of long past
Poison that should not last

True and full forgiveness
For past and for present
Is a monumental work of a lifetime
Only when forgiveness
Is present in every moment
Will letting go be possible
To rid us of our torment

For clinging to what was, what is, what shall be
What could be, what has been, and all the things we can't see
This is what prevents us from letting go, from being free
To let go of the clinging allows us to fully be

Once we see how to let go
We know how free that we can be

Being present all the time
Calls for practice in awareness
Once aware, letting go
Can lead us to a life sublime.

© Virginia H. Conard


HELPLESS

Helpless, I can do nothing
to fix or change or assist
Now when I need to do something
time and space resist

Though even could I be there
so little could I do
but place a bandaid somewhere
and hope we will get through

The endless repetition
slogging symptoms, consequence--
Seems no reiteration
can shatter mind's defense

My heart is breaking slowly
I hang on in denial
The pain and panic show me
the magnitude of trial

I know that I should detach
I know that I should let go
Attachment will not dispatch
the suffering that I know

But loving you my whole life
to see you disintegrate
makes my grasp grow stronger
knowing that it's too late

I want to fly right to you
to help your inability
but even were I right there
I'm helpless in my disability

I hear the slow decline
like distant shattering of glass
The emptying of the wine
as all we know must pass

But still the tears won't stop
as if there were no end
to the aching in my heart
knowing loss of my best friend

The memories of a lifetime
clamor with the grief of now
The depth of sorrow nameless:
To helplessness I bow.

© Virginia H. Conard


LETTING GO REVISITED

Letting go as an intellectual exercise
is easy to rationalize
sounds difficult but attainable
makes sense, is explainable

The truths that we come to know
tell us that letting go
starts with ridding of clinging
and ends with absence of suffering

To speak this way
shows we know what to say
But the proof we can start
lies within every heart

When tragedy strikes
or our heart is pulled under
all the logic we'd like
disperses asunder

And we're left with our tears
wounds open and bleeding
Apex of our fears
on misery feeding

Now where are the lofty ideals we espoused?
We gathered them to us, our heads in the clouds
But rip the heart open and watch logic fail
When our heart has been broken it's a different tale

Of course, the goal is to bring them together
Doubly strong, to withstand any weather
To rid us of clinging, help us let go
Free us of suffering so we fully know

But when we're in pain
and logic's in vain
the balance we seek
is easier to speak

[Easier said than done]

© Virginia H. Conard


DENIAL

Is not just a river in Egypt
Is not just a concept from psychology
Is not something easily tamed
Is not without its benefits

Is protecting, pretending, preventing
Is a childhood temper tantrum, "NO!"
Is a way of insulation and rejection
Is containment of forces which threaten to overwhelm

Is a stage of grief
Is ultimately healthy to go through
Is avoidance which helps us deal
Is a coping strategy which has its time and place

Is what I need when I'm crazy
Is panacea but not remedy
Is helpful for desperate circumstances
Is something which ultimately must be overcome

Has helped me to keep it together
Has kept me from falling apart
Has saved me when I thought I'd lose it
Has given me time to accept

Will slowly give way to acceptance
Will return the moment I need it
Will eventually recede into the past
Will flow away downstream

© Virginia H. Conard

GiniWebPic2 copy_1
Originally uploaded by gincon.

Yes, this is a picture of me.

The past few times I've tried to make entries, I've poured out my creative energies. I've used wit and wisdom, and I've typed in long passages, from dreams to poems to general musings.

AND THEY ALL DISAPPEAR BECAUSE I HIT THE WRONG BLOODY KEY BEFORE I CAN SAVE, PUBLISH, OR POST THEM!

(In honor of Joss Whedon): GRRRR, ARRGGHH!!!

DreamForm for blog
Originally uploaded by gincon.

A FRAGMENT OF A DREAM 7/11/04 (Daddy's Birthday):

I was to be in some sort of graduation ceremony. It was winter; there was snow on the ground. The building in which the ceremony was to take place was an old stone church, with a high arched ceiling. The hall was very long and open to the outside. I arrived shortly before the service, to find the climate in the building very cold. With others helping, we rushed to light fires in small furnaces spaced closely along each side of the large hall. The building warmed just in time for the ceremony. A large congregation gathered, among which were Mommy & Daddy, and (grudgingly) Rick; Pattilynn was too busy to come. I rushed to the front and climbed the large stone steps up to the area where an altar would be, although I don't remember one; I think there was a large, crude stone shelf at the very front of the rounded area. Without speaking, I slowly turned away from the crowd and toward the front. At this point, I felt my body transform into a grey, slightly transparent etherial shape, much like a fluid outline of legs, arms and head. Once this transformation was complete, I was drawn upward, floating toward the top of this domed area. I'm not sure but seem to recall that there was something there at the top. The feeling was of a transcendent, mystical experience. It was almost as if I was proving something to the crowd, or myself, or passing some kind of test.

Then I floated back to the floor of this area, turned, and began speaking to the crowd. To my dismay and disappointment, the crowd had taken my return to the ground as a cue to disperse, and they were all talking at once; my voice merely blended in and commanded no attention. When I finally was able to raise my voice enough to be heard and tell the crowd that I had something to say, most had already left. A paltry few remained, among which were Mommy & Daddy. Rick said he was busy and had things to do and left. I don't recall what it was that I was going to say, or whether I indeed gave my speech (or whether I gave up).

The dream continued on...something about going out to eat to celebrate, and sorting out transportation, then which route to take, etc. The weather outside had turned into a warm, sunny late spring day, with flowering trees. The significant element of the dream, however, was what I felt was the mystical experience of transforming into the nearly shapeless form which floated/was pulled upward. It felt important.

IT'S NOT FAIR


To say “it’s not fair”
Implies order in chaos

To feel “it's not fair”
Is just comparison

Just wanting it to be fair
Is presumptive and hopeless

If it is fair to me
It is unfair to others


When we were young
they tried to teach us to be fair
to be kind to all
and they would in return care

But behind the rhetoric
Unfairness cuts to the core
And even the world agrees
“All’s fair in love and war”


To say “it's not fair”
Is a form of self-pity

To feel “it’s not fair”
Says “the world owes me something”

Wanting it to be fair
Is idealistic, naïve

For it to be fair
To me is unrealistic


To say “it’s not fair”
Is the role of the victim

To feel “it’s not fair”
Causes anger and ill will

In wanting it to be fair
It’s all disappointment

If it is fair to me
I shouldn't expect more of it


Through life we now
See few things that are fair
Those who would cheat
Are the ones who win First Prize

Cut in line, run the sign
Be first at all cost
Any sense of fairness
Is all but long lost


To say “it's not fair”
Won’t do anything but harm

To feel “it's not fair”
Fosters ugly resentment

In wanting it to be fair
We upset the balance

It only is fair for us
By taking away from them


--© lyrics by VHC

Brian Smiling
Originally uploaded by gincon.

Sounds of Silence
Originally uploaded by gincon.

And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you

And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go I
--Simon & Garfunkel: Sounds of Silence, 1966

I ♥ Bri!

Psychedelic Sunset
Originally uploaded by gincon.

My first attempt at digital painting.

And so a new blog is begun. I wanted to use a pretty new template, but could find no others with all the features I've come to appreciate in a blog. So meet the new blog, not to be mistaken for the same as the old blog!