Sunday, June 18, 2006
Painful proof of impermanence
A friend of 30 years just wrote me off, in a very cruel way.
In the past, we've always been there for each other in good and bad times. Lately, she's been there a lot for me, as I've gone through one tragedy after another over the past few years.
Apparently she has been very stressed out about it. However, instead of looking at her reaction to the situation, she blamed me for making her feel guilty. She basically abdicated her role as my friend. In an email. She didn't have the guts, the sensitivity, to have us talk in person.
And as if that wasn't enough, before signing off, she ripped everything about me and my life to shreds. If she had been fair and accurate, that might have been one thing, but she was so far off base, lacking information, making uninformed accusations and judgments, that it was extremely painful.
The upshot? She's had enough of me. She's been "neglecting" her other friends. She ended with a wish for me (her "prayer") and didn't sign the email with love.
Fortunately, my therapist helped to confirm that much of what she said was inappropriate and incorrect. There were some truths, things we've been working on--and will continue to work on--in therapy. But overall my therapist gave me much-needed support in the form of a reality check. My former friend was 'way off base in what she said, and to do this at all, epecially the way she did.
She's been there thru all the losses and deaths, starting with my first accident, my dad's stroke, then his death, then the big accident with Brian on the day my nephew died, the loss of my brother's communication for 3 years, my mom's death, dealing with her estate, two moves, Brian's mania, and then Brian's death (on the same day my great-aunt died at age 102).
Now I have to add another huge loss to this list--my closest friendship, of 30 years. It would be much easier if she had moved away or even died, but because she chose to sever our heartline with cruelty, it's even harder.
She forgets about the 30 years I listened to and supported her when she obsessed about her latest dilemma or affair. I tried to help her then, without judgment, because I knew that's who she is. And like that quote about friendship (=taking the wheat and chaff together, gently blowing away the chaff and holding close the essence), I loved her and tried to be the best friend I could be even when the situation and/or obsession was extreme.
The fact that she has so many delusions about who I am and what I do is astonishing and disturbing. The fact that she feels she has to judge and give advice about things that aren't even true and are none of her business, is inappropriate and sad.
I mourn the loss of her friendship.
All things are impermanent
In the past, we've always been there for each other in good and bad times. Lately, she's been there a lot for me, as I've gone through one tragedy after another over the past few years.
Apparently she has been very stressed out about it. However, instead of looking at her reaction to the situation, she blamed me for making her feel guilty. She basically abdicated her role as my friend. In an email. She didn't have the guts, the sensitivity, to have us talk in person.
And as if that wasn't enough, before signing off, she ripped everything about me and my life to shreds. If she had been fair and accurate, that might have been one thing, but she was so far off base, lacking information, making uninformed accusations and judgments, that it was extremely painful.
The upshot? She's had enough of me. She's been "neglecting" her other friends. She ended with a wish for me (her "prayer") and didn't sign the email with love.
Fortunately, my therapist helped to confirm that much of what she said was inappropriate and incorrect. There were some truths, things we've been working on--and will continue to work on--in therapy. But overall my therapist gave me much-needed support in the form of a reality check. My former friend was 'way off base in what she said, and to do this at all, epecially the way she did.
She's been there thru all the losses and deaths, starting with my first accident, my dad's stroke, then his death, then the big accident with Brian on the day my nephew died, the loss of my brother's communication for 3 years, my mom's death, dealing with her estate, two moves, Brian's mania, and then Brian's death (on the same day my great-aunt died at age 102).
Now I have to add another huge loss to this list--my closest friendship, of 30 years. It would be much easier if she had moved away or even died, but because she chose to sever our heartline with cruelty, it's even harder.
She forgets about the 30 years I listened to and supported her when she obsessed about her latest dilemma or affair. I tried to help her then, without judgment, because I knew that's who she is. And like that quote about friendship (=taking the wheat and chaff together, gently blowing away the chaff and holding close the essence), I loved her and tried to be the best friend I could be even when the situation and/or obsession was extreme.
The fact that she has so many delusions about who I am and what I do is astonishing and disturbing. The fact that she feels she has to judge and give advice about things that aren't even true and are none of her business, is inappropriate and sad.
I mourn the loss of her friendship.
All things are impermanent
