Sunday, December 28, 2014
Now Bruce is Gone
I will write about it later. It's too soon. I just hope all the people who loved him and even his acquaintances will come to his funeral. I don't know when it is yet, it should be in The Saratogian. The visiting hours & funeral will be at Tunison Funeral Home, Lake Ave., Saratoga Springs, NY 12866. They should have info.
Wednesday, October 08, 2014
CHANGES
Yellow leaves flutter and fall
As the morning sun casts light and shadow
Across the the littered lawn.
This autumn feels like late summer,
With wasps sleepily hovering outside the window
While cicada, crickets, and other insect hallmarks
Of another summer's end
Are noticeably absent.
One maple's leaves have all turned gold,
While another's is sprinkled with
Lightly turning red and orange
Only on the tips of outer branches,
Leaving those leaves closer to trunk
A green older and darker
Than the delicate bright green of spring.
Soon the trees will be naked silhouettes,
Grey crooked tapered latticed skeletons
Of what once were rich, full, and vibrant
The wind both gentle and wild
Finally tears the leaves from their anchors.
But all those whom I've loved and lost
Will miss the spectacle nature displays
Ever different, ever the same each year.
The trees unfold from bud to light, bright colors in spring,
Stay steadfast among windblown storms and sun's scorch in summer,
Then create a flame-out riotous festival in fall,
Only to die out and be blown away
Their tired, weak buffeted shells shivering grey
In the iced frosty blizzards of winter.
How long will they survive to see rebirth, growth,
Brilliance, then passing away, over and again?
The universal cycle of life and death
From which none escape.
~Virginia H. Conard
@September 27, 2014
As the morning sun casts light and shadow
Across the the littered lawn.
This autumn feels like late summer,
With wasps sleepily hovering outside the window
While cicada, crickets, and other insect hallmarks
Of another summer's end
Are noticeably absent.
One maple's leaves have all turned gold,
While another's is sprinkled with
Lightly turning red and orange
Only on the tips of outer branches,
Leaving those leaves closer to trunk
A green older and darker
Than the delicate bright green of spring.
Soon the trees will be naked silhouettes,
Grey crooked tapered latticed skeletons
Of what once were rich, full, and vibrant
The wind both gentle and wild
Finally tears the leaves from their anchors.
But all those whom I've loved and lost
Will miss the spectacle nature displays
Ever different, ever the same each year.
The trees unfold from bud to light, bright colors in spring,
Stay steadfast among windblown storms and sun's scorch in summer,
Then create a flame-out riotous festival in fall,
Only to die out and be blown away
Their tired, weak buffeted shells shivering grey
In the iced frosty blizzards of winter.
How long will they survive to see rebirth, growth,
Brilliance, then passing away, over and again?
The universal cycle of life and death
From which none escape.
~Virginia H. Conard
@September 27, 2014
A Not-so-Brief Update of Betrayal, Thievery, Loss, & Other Disasters
A not-so-brief update to my last blog entry of 2007: the "friend" I referred to therein ( who lived 6 hrs away in Maine) with whom I emailed regularly, turned out to be a cruel thief and robber. I gave him thousands of dollars when he couldn't afford rent and food--some "loans" he promised to pay back but never did--but he ended up selling my SUV while I was sick (value at least $9,000) for $5,000--and never gave me the money. This, after I sold him my valuable (sentimentally) Taurus which I inherited after my Mom died, for $1, because I knew he needed a vehicle. I also believe he was in some way related to the "robbery" of my valuable guitars (1960s Martin 12-string and Goya Classical as well as an Epiphone 6-string and two others) and all electronics of worth, from my apartment. He had offered to help coordinate the move out of my apartment in Saratoga, the rent of which had gotten too expensive (and the landlord was selling the building). I needed someone to help with the move because Saratoga Hospital sent me to the absolute WORST Assisted Living facility ever: Emeritus at Colonie Manor, in Latham.
People felt that I needed more care than I had been getting from my roommate, who was living in my apartment in exchange for taking care of me as my health continued to deteriorate. His health began to deteriorate, adding to my decline. My so-called friend from Maine told me that if I had any contact with my roommate (Bruce), that he (my ex-friend) would never have contact with me again. I never imagined that my ex-friend would really sever our relationship, and my ex-friend was--I thought--a kind and gentle person who would never desert me (or rip me off for $1, much less $5000). Bruce found me 2 weeks after I moved to Latham and wrote some heart-wrenching letters, which broke my heart not to answer, but I didn't. Then the Saratoga police called me and told me I should call my ex-roommate, who was at our old apartment at the time. I saw this as a chance to make contact and also to get the remote lock key openers and car keys for both cars that my ex-friend had taken, given that he didn't have any and would need them. In the meantime I had seen my ex-friend twice in Saratoga (I was not supposed to go to the apartment but went to look for the heirloom ring my Mom had given me which was missing when my ex-friend knocked over my jewelry all over the bedroom). That day I witnessed him giving and throwing away my deceased husband's clothes, offering to give away (to the movers) or get rid of mine as well as some of my ex-roommate's clothes and belongings, which I told him not to but he did anyway. The first time I saw him I took him out to an expensive dinner at Lillian's as a thank-you gesture and gave him a few thousand dollars to compensate him for all his help; I had no idea that he was ripping me off, throwing away valuables behind my back, allowing items to be "stolen," or that he was going to sell my car for half its worth and never give me any money. My only visit to my apt. was cut short when he forced me to leave early because he had to leave. He took me to the restaurant/store downstairs and got into a fight with the staff, who had banned him from the premises previously for making lewd, sexist jokes to a checkout girl. I watched in horror as he swept items off of the counter and had a physical struggle with a male employee, who threatened to call the police. He then fled, leaving me alone, questioning his sanity and wondering if I ever knew him at all.
The day he was on his way back to Maine, where he was sharing a house with his ex-wife, he stopped by the Assisted Living facility (I had to practically beg), at which time I gave him the sets of keys for both cars he had taken. Instead of being appreciative to have them, he immediately grilled me to find out how I got them. When I told him that Bruce (ex-roommate) already knew where I was and had dropped them off at my request, ex-friend immediately left. That was the last time I ever saw or spoke to him, despite writing numerous emails and leaving many messages on his cell phone. This was at the beginning of March 2011. After trying to get the police (State, Sheriffs, and local Saratoga) involved in helping me recover my stolen money (as well as the 2 sets of license plates he never gave me, which meant I couldn't take the cars off of my insurance policies and was therefore liable for anything that happened to either one), I finally had a lawyer call him. My ex-friend was reportedly rude and said he'd paid me the $5000 (a bald-faced lie), then hung up. My lawyer called him back, requesting that he return the plates to me, and the ex-friend reportedly just hung up on him.
Returning to March, when I had visited my old apartment to look for my mother's heirloom jewelry, when I entered the apartment, all of my guitars (some very valuable) and electronics were missing, and my ex-friend told me there had been a robbery; he said one day when he arrived at the apartment, the sliding glass door was wide open. Later that day I looked and realized there were NO footsteps in the snow, which would have had to be there if someone entered the apartment through the glass doors. I dismissed it at the time because so much else was going on that I couldn't deal with it all. Just last week, I found a website belonging to my ex-friend. On it, he was displaying an X-Box electronic game which he was selling on Craig's List. The picture showed the exact X-Box model which had been stolen from my bedroom, which they don't make any more. Further proof of my ex-friend's thievery.
Meanwhile, I am still living with no vehicle, in the middle of the country, with only taxis for transportation (I don't go out much). I desperately need a wheelchair van, which I could have purchased with proceeds of my SUV and items which this person stole from me. I am more or less a recluse because I have no transportation, due to my ex-friend's theft and betrayal. I have to believe in karma, as there is nothing I can do about the many wrongs which were perpetrated on me. What goes around, comes around. May my ex-friend truly experience cruelty, theft, and betrayal equal to that which he caused which ruined my life.
P.S. I shattered my hip in May 2013. While I was in rehabilitation, my house burned down. The authorities believed it was arson but never found a culprit. After the fire, as I was in Granville, NY, no one was available to watch over my home, and it was ransacked. Anything which could have been salvaged was stolen. Everything was gone. I lived in motels from September 2013 through March 2014, while the house was being rebuilt. I had to use insurance money to live on, and currently my furniture is comprised of a bed and 2 chairs. It's hard to furnish a home living on a fixed disability income. Also, I can no longer walk; must use an electric wheelchair--but since I can't afford a wheelchair van, I am stuck in the middle of nowhere. Starting in 2011, life has been quite a disaster! If anyone can help me find the thief who ruined my life, (he is well-known in the Saratoga area, having a sister living in the vicinity, as well as a failed record store and a failed bookstore before his now ex-wife convinced him to move back to Portland, ME, where she was from) please let me know… or if anyone has or knows of someone who wants to sell a wheelchair van, please let me know also!!!
P.P.S. I apologize for any overlap or repetition in this post; so much has happened that it's hard to recall what has and has not been chronicled!
People felt that I needed more care than I had been getting from my roommate, who was living in my apartment in exchange for taking care of me as my health continued to deteriorate. His health began to deteriorate, adding to my decline. My so-called friend from Maine told me that if I had any contact with my roommate (Bruce), that he (my ex-friend) would never have contact with me again. I never imagined that my ex-friend would really sever our relationship, and my ex-friend was--I thought--a kind and gentle person who would never desert me (or rip me off for $1, much less $5000). Bruce found me 2 weeks after I moved to Latham and wrote some heart-wrenching letters, which broke my heart not to answer, but I didn't. Then the Saratoga police called me and told me I should call my ex-roommate, who was at our old apartment at the time. I saw this as a chance to make contact and also to get the remote lock key openers and car keys for both cars that my ex-friend had taken, given that he didn't have any and would need them. In the meantime I had seen my ex-friend twice in Saratoga (I was not supposed to go to the apartment but went to look for the heirloom ring my Mom had given me which was missing when my ex-friend knocked over my jewelry all over the bedroom). That day I witnessed him giving and throwing away my deceased husband's clothes, offering to give away (to the movers) or get rid of mine as well as some of my ex-roommate's clothes and belongings, which I told him not to but he did anyway. The first time I saw him I took him out to an expensive dinner at Lillian's as a thank-you gesture and gave him a few thousand dollars to compensate him for all his help; I had no idea that he was ripping me off, throwing away valuables behind my back, allowing items to be "stolen," or that he was going to sell my car for half its worth and never give me any money. My only visit to my apt. was cut short when he forced me to leave early because he had to leave. He took me to the restaurant/store downstairs and got into a fight with the staff, who had banned him from the premises previously for making lewd, sexist jokes to a checkout girl. I watched in horror as he swept items off of the counter and had a physical struggle with a male employee, who threatened to call the police. He then fled, leaving me alone, questioning his sanity and wondering if I ever knew him at all.
The day he was on his way back to Maine, where he was sharing a house with his ex-wife, he stopped by the Assisted Living facility (I had to practically beg), at which time I gave him the sets of keys for both cars he had taken. Instead of being appreciative to have them, he immediately grilled me to find out how I got them. When I told him that Bruce (ex-roommate) already knew where I was and had dropped them off at my request, ex-friend immediately left. That was the last time I ever saw or spoke to him, despite writing numerous emails and leaving many messages on his cell phone. This was at the beginning of March 2011. After trying to get the police (State, Sheriffs, and local Saratoga) involved in helping me recover my stolen money (as well as the 2 sets of license plates he never gave me, which meant I couldn't take the cars off of my insurance policies and was therefore liable for anything that happened to either one), I finally had a lawyer call him. My ex-friend was reportedly rude and said he'd paid me the $5000 (a bald-faced lie), then hung up. My lawyer called him back, requesting that he return the plates to me, and the ex-friend reportedly just hung up on him.
Returning to March, when I had visited my old apartment to look for my mother's heirloom jewelry, when I entered the apartment, all of my guitars (some very valuable) and electronics were missing, and my ex-friend told me there had been a robbery; he said one day when he arrived at the apartment, the sliding glass door was wide open. Later that day I looked and realized there were NO footsteps in the snow, which would have had to be there if someone entered the apartment through the glass doors. I dismissed it at the time because so much else was going on that I couldn't deal with it all. Just last week, I found a website belonging to my ex-friend. On it, he was displaying an X-Box electronic game which he was selling on Craig's List. The picture showed the exact X-Box model which had been stolen from my bedroom, which they don't make any more. Further proof of my ex-friend's thievery.
Meanwhile, I am still living with no vehicle, in the middle of the country, with only taxis for transportation (I don't go out much). I desperately need a wheelchair van, which I could have purchased with proceeds of my SUV and items which this person stole from me. I am more or less a recluse because I have no transportation, due to my ex-friend's theft and betrayal. I have to believe in karma, as there is nothing I can do about the many wrongs which were perpetrated on me. What goes around, comes around. May my ex-friend truly experience cruelty, theft, and betrayal equal to that which he caused which ruined my life.
P.S. I shattered my hip in May 2013. While I was in rehabilitation, my house burned down. The authorities believed it was arson but never found a culprit. After the fire, as I was in Granville, NY, no one was available to watch over my home, and it was ransacked. Anything which could have been salvaged was stolen. Everything was gone. I lived in motels from September 2013 through March 2014, while the house was being rebuilt. I had to use insurance money to live on, and currently my furniture is comprised of a bed and 2 chairs. It's hard to furnish a home living on a fixed disability income. Also, I can no longer walk; must use an electric wheelchair--but since I can't afford a wheelchair van, I am stuck in the middle of nowhere. Starting in 2011, life has been quite a disaster! If anyone can help me find the thief who ruined my life, (he is well-known in the Saratoga area, having a sister living in the vicinity, as well as a failed record store and a failed bookstore before his now ex-wife convinced him to move back to Portland, ME, where she was from) please let me know… or if anyone has or knows of someone who wants to sell a wheelchair van, please let me know also!!!
P.P.S. I apologize for any overlap or repetition in this post; so much has happened that it's hard to recall what has and has not been chronicled!
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Unconscious Mutterings #495
- Missing :: lost
- Crowded :: claustrophobia
- Questions :: need answers
- Flavored :: naturally
- Need you :: but you don't need me
- Control :: lose
- Restaurant :: inaccessible
- Scattered :: family & friends
- Family :: can't depend on
- Regrets :: most of my life
Thursday, February 23, 2012
As Tears Go By
It's been years (literally) since I visited or wrote in this blog...so much has happened, life has changed into unrecognizable torture.
I'm so glad my Blogs are still here; I was afraid they'd be lost in the impermanence of cyberspace...
At some point I hope to chronicle the many events of the years since I last kept up this Blog--but not now (3 a.m.), too exhausted & in pain. Tonight I found a "Chronic Pain" online support group. Perhaps I can find some solace there, in a life otherwise devoid of friends...
We'll see--I'm not so good with follow through these days...
Sweet dreams to my brother, and to all the loved ones I've lost & miss so much...
I'm so glad my Blogs are still here; I was afraid they'd be lost in the impermanence of cyberspace...
At some point I hope to chronicle the many events of the years since I last kept up this Blog--but not now (3 a.m.), too exhausted & in pain. Tonight I found a "Chronic Pain" online support group. Perhaps I can find some solace there, in a life otherwise devoid of friends...
We'll see--I'm not so good with follow through these days...
Sweet dreams to my brother, and to all the loved ones I've lost & miss so much...
Monday, December 22, 2008
Unconscious Mutterings 12/08
Free Association:
- Carpet :: bagger
- Bottoms :: tops
- Music :: play
- Nails :: polish
- Watch it! :: Be careful!
- Your life :: is short; live it well.
- Candies :: sugar
- Chafing :: uncomfortable
- Svelte :: thin
- Ding :: dong
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Long time no Blog
it's been over a year since my last entry...even Unconscious Mutterings lost their appeal without Brian's responses to compare them with. My depression deepens; I'm in an untenable situation and feel unable to escape; my old "friend" never contacted me after her awful disinitgration of our friendship; I've lost all of my other friends thru moves or my lack of followup; my therapist left me to become a jeweler; I had to stop seeing my psychiatrist of years because of his misdiagnosis and malpractice which caused Brian to kill himself; I have new medical/psych professionals but it's so hard to start over...;I am an orphan with no family--after growing up with an overwhelming family this makes holidays and crises horribly lonely, with no family or close friends with which to spend time or talk to...
But actually this entry was inspired by having taken a bizarre personality test at the Deviant Art website (i was going to put a link to it but lost it altogether, as well as my results...probably just as well); according to their ratings I was not a mentally healthy camper. Well, that's probably true. Oh well.
I do have one close friend who lives 6 hrs away but with whom I email nearly daily; if it weren't for him, I think I might have already disappeared from this plane of existence...you know who you are...with thanx & love...
See a later entry in 2012 which gives an update about the "close friend" who lived 6 hrs away (see above paragraph). He betrayed me in early 2011, lied to me, stole many thousands of dollars from me, was complicit in the theft of belongings from my apartment when I was ill, and then cut off all communication with me. It's been almost 2 years since he deserted me. He is a cruel person, and I'm glad for Karma, because he will reap what he has sown.
But actually this entry was inspired by having taken a bizarre personality test at the Deviant Art website (i was going to put a link to it but lost it altogether, as well as my results...probably just as well); according to their ratings I was not a mentally healthy camper. Well, that's probably true. Oh well.
I do have one close friend who lives 6 hrs away but with whom I email nearly daily; if it weren't for him, I think I might have already disappeared from this plane of existence...you know who you are...with thanx & love...
See a later entry in 2012 which gives an update about the "close friend" who lived 6 hrs away (see above paragraph). He betrayed me in early 2011, lied to me, stole many thousands of dollars from me, was complicit in the theft of belongings from my apartment when I was ill, and then cut off all communication with me. It's been almost 2 years since he deserted me. He is a cruel person, and I'm glad for Karma, because he will reap what he has sown.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #84
I say ... and you think ...?
- Taxes :: death and
- Hooray :: boo
- Justification :: manipulation
- Shocking :: reality
- Bureaucracy :: absurd
- Porn :: perverted
- Silly :: stupid
- DJ :: music
- Swing :: vote
- Anti- :: against
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #83
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Bell :: ring
- Abuse :: verbal
- Relief :: fund
- List :: Virgo
- Concern :: care
- Absolute :: fixed
- Cling :: suffer
- Dump :: landfill
- Terminate :: end
- Wine :: tasting
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #82
I say... and someone thinks ... ?
- Running :: walking
- Alternative :: choice
- Cope :: deal
- Lots :: plenty
- Sympathetic :: understanding
- Barn :: door
- Totally :: completely
- Baby :: tiny
- Undeniable :: rights
- Watermelon :: rind
Monday, September 04, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #81
I say ... and you think ...?
- Wiggle :: squiggle
- Face :: about
- Adjustable :: flexible
- Room :: space
- Easy :: hard
- Store :: shop
- Maid :: nurse
- 9 pm :: record show
- Challenge :: opportunity
- Debt :: owe
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #80
I say ... and you think ...?
- Visit :: ocean
- Cake :: eat it too
- Period :: question mark
- Triumphant :: return
- Screen :: movie
- Neglect :: abuse
- Guitar :: string
- Loathe :: hate
- Sugar :: free
- Montage :: collage
Monday, August 21, 2006
Well, we all knew it...
I took this little test for fun, just to see what it would say; here are the results:
Are You Normal?
Your Normalcy Quotient is: 34 out of 100.
Your quiz results make you a Marvelous Maverick
Giddy-up partner. You're a maverick and don't know what the definition of normal is. That's a-okay because you're now part of a fascinating group of desperadoes. Wherever you ride, it's sure to be off the beaten path because it's way more fun to find the path least traveled.
Take this free personality test by going to www.chatterbean.com/runormal/
Are You Normal?
Your Normalcy Quotient is: 34 out of 100.
Your quiz results make you a Marvelous Maverick
Giddy-up partner. You're a maverick and don't know what the definition of normal is. That's a-okay because you're now part of a fascinating group of desperadoes. Wherever you ride, it's sure to be off the beaten path because it's way more fun to find the path least traveled.
Take this free personality test by going to www.chatterbean.com/runormal/
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #79
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Cruel :: punishment
- Jive :: talk
- Weak :: tired
- Understand :: empathy
- Bum :: luck
- Stairs :: hurt
- Tone :: muscle
- Quickly :: rapidly
- Moment :: magic
- Beating :: heart
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #78
I say ..., and you think ... ?
- Kim :: Novak
- Designate :: less work for the designator
- Liner :: eye
- Weed :: whacker
- Infusion :: intrusion
- Nutritious :: delicious
- Favorites :: undecided
- Transform :: radically change
- 42 :: young (sigh)
- Sunday afternoon :: dislike
Monday, August 07, 2006
Audio Player: Bly Lauritano-Werner's Award-Winning Radio Report
Odeo offered this audio player on which Bly Lauritano-Werner's award-winning Blunt Radio report on Racism and Classism can be heard…
Unfortunately, Bly's radio report was removed from the website upon which it was posted. It's a shame, because it was a masterpiece.
powered by ODEO
Bly's radio piece will automatically start up when you start this player.
She's a shining example of what young adults can do to contribute to our world's consciousness.
For more information on Bly, Google Bly Lauritano-Werner.
Unfortunately, Bly's radio report was removed from the website upon which it was posted. It's a shame, because it was a masterpiece.
powered by ODEO
Bly's radio piece will automatically start up when you start this player.
She's a shining example of what young adults can do to contribute to our world's consciousness.
For more information on Bly, Google Bly Lauritano-Werner.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #77
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Affair :: of the heart
- Package :: open
- Warner :: Time
- Drop :: Box
- Balance :: beam
- Shore :: ocean
- Confirmation :: number
- Nose :: ring
- Talking :: listening
- Bend :: over
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #76
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Italy :: boot
- Honk :: your horn
- Shades :: colors
- Tool :: box
- Modern :: times
- Tension :: headache
- Conservative :: Liberal
- Weight :: loss
- Insurance :: company
- Political :: agenda
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #75
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Requirements :: unnecessary
- Pizza :: dough
- Dating :: I wish
- Issue :: magazine
- Sharp :: pointed
- Distinguish :: enumerate
- Remote :: control
- Felony :: crime
- Exercise :: impossible
- Choose :: me
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #74
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Video :: store
- Fantasy :: Island
- Homework :: excuse
- Crush :: flatten
- Late :: Show
- Husband :: wife
- Soccer :: ball
- Wine :: tasting
- Before :: after
- Romantic :: hopeless
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #73
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Face it :: she hates me
- Healthy :: unhealthy
- Cartoon :: character
- Device :: thing
- Raider :: Oakland
- Closer :: farther away
- Admission :: ticket
- Culture :: shock
- Stakes :: betting
- Heartbroken :: me
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #72
I say ... and you think ... ?
- That :: Girl
- Fishbowl :: goldfish
- Church :: steeple
- All about :: nothing
- Fist :: fight
- Tagline :: advertising
- Agree :: disagree
- Leak :: water
- Jessica :: Simpson
- Superman :: Clark Kent
Monday, June 26, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #71
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Newspaper :: comics
- Crucify :: Jesus
- Sausage :: links
- Handy :: dandy
- Cloak :: and dagger
- Drunk :: sober
- Fuel :: prices
- Caress :: touch
- Itch :: scratch
- Vehicle :: transportation
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Painful proof of impermanence
A friend of 30 years just wrote me off, in a very cruel way.
In the past, we've always been there for each other in good and bad times. Lately, she's been there a lot for me, as I've gone through one tragedy after another over the past few years.
Apparently she has been very stressed out about it. However, instead of looking at her reaction to the situation, she blamed me for making her feel guilty. She basically abdicated her role as my friend. In an email. She didn't have the guts, the sensitivity, to have us talk in person.
And as if that wasn't enough, before signing off, she ripped everything about me and my life to shreds. If she had been fair and accurate, that might have been one thing, but she was so far off base, lacking information, making uninformed accusations and judgments, that it was extremely painful.
The upshot? She's had enough of me. She's been "neglecting" her other friends. She ended with a wish for me (her "prayer") and didn't sign the email with love.
Fortunately, my therapist helped to confirm that much of what she said was inappropriate and incorrect. There were some truths, things we've been working on--and will continue to work on--in therapy. But overall my therapist gave me much-needed support in the form of a reality check. My former friend was 'way off base in what she said, and to do this at all, epecially the way she did.
She's been there thru all the losses and deaths, starting with my first accident, my dad's stroke, then his death, then the big accident with Brian on the day my nephew died, the loss of my brother's communication for 3 years, my mom's death, dealing with her estate, two moves, Brian's mania, and then Brian's death (on the same day my great-aunt died at age 102).
Now I have to add another huge loss to this list--my closest friendship, of 30 years. It would be much easier if she had moved away or even died, but because she chose to sever our heartline with cruelty, it's even harder.
She forgets about the 30 years I listened to and supported her when she obsessed about her latest dilemma or affair. I tried to help her then, without judgment, because I knew that's who she is. And like that quote about friendship (=taking the wheat and chaff together, gently blowing away the chaff and holding close the essence), I loved her and tried to be the best friend I could be even when the situation and/or obsession was extreme.
The fact that she has so many delusions about who I am and what I do is astonishing and disturbing. The fact that she feels she has to judge and give advice about things that aren't even true and are none of her business, is inappropriate and sad.
I mourn the loss of her friendship.
All things are impermanent
In the past, we've always been there for each other in good and bad times. Lately, she's been there a lot for me, as I've gone through one tragedy after another over the past few years.
Apparently she has been very stressed out about it. However, instead of looking at her reaction to the situation, she blamed me for making her feel guilty. She basically abdicated her role as my friend. In an email. She didn't have the guts, the sensitivity, to have us talk in person.
And as if that wasn't enough, before signing off, she ripped everything about me and my life to shreds. If she had been fair and accurate, that might have been one thing, but she was so far off base, lacking information, making uninformed accusations and judgments, that it was extremely painful.
The upshot? She's had enough of me. She's been "neglecting" her other friends. She ended with a wish for me (her "prayer") and didn't sign the email with love.
Fortunately, my therapist helped to confirm that much of what she said was inappropriate and incorrect. There were some truths, things we've been working on--and will continue to work on--in therapy. But overall my therapist gave me much-needed support in the form of a reality check. My former friend was 'way off base in what she said, and to do this at all, epecially the way she did.
She's been there thru all the losses and deaths, starting with my first accident, my dad's stroke, then his death, then the big accident with Brian on the day my nephew died, the loss of my brother's communication for 3 years, my mom's death, dealing with her estate, two moves, Brian's mania, and then Brian's death (on the same day my great-aunt died at age 102).
Now I have to add another huge loss to this list--my closest friendship, of 30 years. It would be much easier if she had moved away or even died, but because she chose to sever our heartline with cruelty, it's even harder.
She forgets about the 30 years I listened to and supported her when she obsessed about her latest dilemma or affair. I tried to help her then, without judgment, because I knew that's who she is. And like that quote about friendship (=taking the wheat and chaff together, gently blowing away the chaff and holding close the essence), I loved her and tried to be the best friend I could be even when the situation and/or obsession was extreme.
The fact that she has so many delusions about who I am and what I do is astonishing and disturbing. The fact that she feels she has to judge and give advice about things that aren't even true and are none of her business, is inappropriate and sad.
I mourn the loss of her friendship.
All things are impermanent
Unconscious Mutterings, #70
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Voice :: mail
- Us :: them
- Passionately :: dispassionately
- Humbly :: pridefully
- Love songs :: make me cry
- Dim :: bright
- Calendar :: girl
- Careless :: whispers
- Block :: Island
- Goal :: oriented
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Drowning in Tears
I miss Bri so incredibly much...I feel as though I'm living, alone, in the home we were supposed to have together. Even though I moved, so I wouldn't get triggered by living in our old apt., I think of him all the time. Every morning I wake up and turn toward his side of the bed, expecting to see him there; when he isn't, the harsh reality of my life without him sets in...
This Friday, June 9, is the first anniversary of Mommy's death. I miss her so much; I have needed her so much this year, to help me through the horrible times I've been through. But ironically, her death is one of the most horrible and painful events of my life...
Wednesday, when I have surgery, no one will be there to go with me or stay with me or visit me in the hospital Wednesday night or help me get home...Brian was so wonderful--he was always there to support and help and love me.
I think one of the worst feelings I know is to feel unloved.
The flood of tears continues...
This Friday, June 9, is the first anniversary of Mommy's death. I miss her so much; I have needed her so much this year, to help me through the horrible times I've been through. But ironically, her death is one of the most horrible and painful events of my life...
Wednesday, when I have surgery, no one will be there to go with me or stay with me or visit me in the hospital Wednesday night or help me get home...Brian was so wonderful--he was always there to support and help and love me.
I think one of the worst feelings I know is to feel unloved.
The flood of tears continues...
Unconscious Mutterings, #69
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Fraud :: email
- Cure :: diabetes
- Slate :: clean
- Pretentious :: fake
- Splendid :: pretentious
- Geek :: cool
- Blister :: sister
- Pizza :: pie
- Revive :: save
- Visionary :: unusual
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #68
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Bounce :: ball
- Wasting time :: unconscious
- Utility :: bill
- London :: Bridge is Falling Down
- Pregnant :: population explosion
- Cranberry :: juice
- International :: relations
- Disappointment :: rampant
- Sponsor :: addiction
- Second :: every second counts
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #67
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Yours :: mine
- Charcoal :: grill
- Platitude :: insincere
- Graduation :: day
- Hungry :: angry, lonely, tired
- Somewhere :: over the rainbow
- Nurse :: Ratchett
- Freak :: super
- Unbelievable :: incredible
- Walk :: away
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #66
I say ... and you think ...
- Represent :: lawyer
- Mumbling :: children
- Meetup :: get together
- Tantalizing :: fascinating
- Fake :: not real
- Dale :: Hill and
- Deny :: don't allow
- Calories :: energy
- Roll :: and butter
- 44 :: Route
Monday, May 01, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #65
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Out of place :: out of time
- Helicopter :: ride
- Francis :: Scott Key
- Ryan :: O'Neill
- Wedding :: bells
- Apalled :: disgusted
- Historian :: Kim
- Powerful :: strong
- Sex symbol :: artificial
- Uncomfortable :: ill at ease
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #64
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Rising :: sun
- Third :: Reich
- Disruptive :: moving
- Surround :: sound
- Distant :: train
- Suction :: letting go
- Fried :: calamari
- Nuggets :: chicken
- Clip :: paper
- San Antonio :: Texas
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #63
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Ambition :: force
- Meatloaf :: sammitchez
- Celebrity :: fame
- Coach :: motivator
- Slacker :: "Slackers"
- Reflection :: mirror
- Original :: unique
- Risk :: leap
- Saved :: rescued
- June :: weddings
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #62
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Buck :: Henry
- Harry :: Potter
- Play :: games
- Monstrosity :: ugly
- Nightclub :: old-fashioned
- Missing :: link
- Sprout :: bean
- Flavor :: taste
- Identity :: mistaken
- Saucy :: sweet
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #61
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Desire :: suffering
- Sleep :: debt
- Lost :: forever
- 2006 :: worst
- Pump :: handle
- Space :: needle
- Stuck :: in time
- Reference:: material
- Birth:: death
- Hand:: helping
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #60
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Glass castle:: glass slipper
- Preserved:: embalmed
- Jealousy:: ugly
- Territory:: Yukon
- Coffee:: tea
- Stephen:: King
- Slut:: loose woman
- Dynamic:: powerful
- Daybreak:: dawn
- Dew:: morning
Unconscious Mutterings, #59
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Sugar rush:: Mt. Dew
- Chemical:: dependency
- Suspension:: bridge
- Defending:: Your Life
- Conference:: call
- Dance:: fever
- Weather:: report
- Fuel:: cost
- Heartbreak:: constant
- Insult:: injury
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #58
I say ... you think ... ?
- Displacement:: forced
- Grease monkey:: paint
- Vacancy:: no
- Conquer:: divide
- Payroll:: taxes
- Personal:: grief
- Housewife:: mother
- Lateral:: sideways
- Tissue:: kleenex
- Multiplication:: division
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #57
I say ... and you think ...?
- Upgrade:: software
- Happy ending:: fairytale
- Stale:: bread
- Tripping:: falling
- Working:: too hard
- Explicit:: clear
- Happy place:: don't have any
- Tornado:: my life
- Medication:: helps
- Muppet:: Jim Henson
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #56
I say ... and you think ...?
- Baby step:: slow
- Wasted:: life
- Reggie:: Jackson
- Pitiful:: me
- Acting out:: fantasies
- Tomato:: soup
- Bad night:: every night
- Trip:: fall
- Finance charges:: suck
- Sport:: bad
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #55
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Right time:: none
- Funeral:: sorrow
- Calculate:: plan
- Believe me:: why didn't you?
- Chat:: never again
- Anniversary:: April 24
- Let you down:: why did you?
- Shout:: cry
- Sweatsock:: old
- Prayer:: didn't prevent it
The Love of my Life is Gone Forever, My Life is Over
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #54
I say ... and you think ...?
- Taking sides:: contentious
- Couples:: therapy
- Right of refusal:: justified
- Marla:: Maples
- Multiple:: orgasms
- Trinity:: Holy
- Sneeze:: Bless You!
- Sweatpants:: sweatshirt
- Steve:: McQueen
- Fabulous:: marvelous
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #53
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Long distance:: call
- Meant to be:: fate
- Here:: now
- Endless:: love
- Resentment:: unfair
- Insipid:: stupid
- Bunny:: Bri
- Slogan:: jingle
- Naked:: truth
- Sarcasm:: unnecessary
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #52
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Alone:: lonely
- Science:: art
- Deposit:: bank
- Faithful:: honest
- Tender:: loving
- Chocolate:: decadent
- Homework:: assignment
- Tamper:: disturb
- Friend:: precious
- Wire:: garotte
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #51
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Paralyzed:: immobile
- Bossy:: overbearing
- Worth:: value
- Breathing:: necessary
- Uneventful:: quiet
- Return:: recurrence
- Splint:: broken
- Notice:: become aware
- Hero:: villain
- Vulnerable:: easily hurt
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #50
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Better off:: dead
- Girls:: just wanna have fun
- Uniform:: same
- Classified:: ad
- Hard:: candy
- Kitty:: cat
- Team:: player
- Massive:: heart attack
- Depressed:: suicidal
- Award:: prize
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Unconscious Mutterings, #49
- Celebrate:: nothing
- Resolve: made to be broken
- I need to:: find some helium
- Call:: for help
- Token:: memory
- Brand:: sear flesh
- Comparison:: odious
- Far away:: love
- Artful:: dodger
- Fantastic:: unreal world
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #48
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Replenish:: refill
- People:: Magazine
- Trend:: fad
- Girlfriends:: fickle
- Spirit:: light
- Banshee:: scream
- Oasis:: desert
- Thrills:: & chills
- Fountain:: soda
- Boxes:: stuff
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #47
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Stalker:: fear
- Outrageous:: wild
- Carrying:: on
- Spirited:: horse
- Oh!:: my!
- Grid:: lock
- Country:: home
- Karen:: Carpenter
- Candles:: burn
- Relationship:: meaningful
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #46
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Amazing:: incredible
- Delights:: pleasures
- Inspired:: creative
- Disgusted:: displeased
- You:: me
- Vagina:: Monologues
- Palm:: tree
- Sweetheart:: bunny
- Guilt:: forgiveness
- More to come:: to be continued
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #45
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Stuffed:: shirt
- Armstrong:: D 'n' V
- Bruise:: bleed
- Content:: happy
- Musical:: instrument
- Assistance:: help
- Scrambling:: eggs
- Battle:: axe
- Extended:: Discourses
- Discount:: sale
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #44
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Heads up:: warning
- Kicker:: screamer
- Aggressive:: obnoxious
- Getting ugly:: with age
- To be continued:: oh no!
- Twist:: and shout
- Form:: fill out
- On the road:: again
- Import:: export
- Flowers:: love
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #43
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Mighty:: mouse
- Gotta find time to ....:: pay the bills
- Statistic:: meaningless
- Midnight:: hour
- Thaw:: January
- Hips:: rose
- Reader:: meter
- Related:: relatives
- Brilliant:: genius
- Posture:: yoga
Monday, November 07, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #42
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Deeper and deeper:: and deeper
- Can’t help .... :: lovin' that man o' mine
- Devil’s advocate:: play
- Superpower:: evil
- Threatening:: storm
- Played:: out
- War:: what is it good for? Absolutely nothing!
- Violate:: devastate
- Invest:: stocks
- Choke:: Heimlich
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #41
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Unbreakable:: Bruce Willis
- Have mercy:: on me oh Lord
- Do it better:: taskmaster
- Settle scores:: men
- Comments:: feedback
- Craziest thing:: happened
- Apple:: orange
- Halloween:: candy
- Manageable:: under control
- Trick:: or treat
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #40
I say ... and you think ...?
- Infiltration:: attack
- Nice person:: rare
- Debt:: owe
- Settle down:: peace
- Thomas:: Edison
- Unforgivable:: cruelty
- Medicine:: pills
- A year from now:: the unknown
- Neighbors:: footsteps
- Dripping:: wet
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #39
I say ... and you think ...?
- On the verge:: of a nervous breakdown
- Tempestuous:: extremely stormy
- Coherent:: understandable
- Near death:: experience
- Illiterate:: uneducated
- Why not?:: indeed!
- Period:: of time
- Long lost:: friend
- Torrid:: affair
- Nail:: hammer
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #38
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Quirk:: oddity
- Crystal:: quartz
- Pet Peeve:: common annoyance
- Cuban:: cigar
- Breasts:: nipples
- Whispers:: secrets
- Complicated:: complex
- Promise me:: pledge your honor
- Murder:: kill
- Filament:: thread
Monday, October 03, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #37
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Quaint:: old-fashioned
- Rind:: lemon
- Disease:: illness
- Queer:: homo
- Pork:: rind
- Soaked:: saturated
- Skeleton:: bones
- Mold:: black
- Finished:: completed
- Buffalo:: nickel
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #36
I say ... and you think ...
- Crave:: desire
- Whole package:: all-inclusive
- Roommates:: share
- 5:30:: 6:00
- Lesbian:: gay
- Poignant:: heartfelt
- Hurtful:: mean
- You and I:: together
- Grateful:: thankful
- Giggle:: silly
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #35
I say ... and you think ...
- Less filling:: dietetic
- Glue:: sniff
- Surprise me:: please!
- Model:: anorexic
- Fee:: for service
- Microphone:: stand
- Choices:: alternatives
- To the bone:: weary
- Run!:: Hide!
- Appeal:: court
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #34
I say ... and you think ...
- Related:: unrelated
- Soothing:: gentle
- Flashback:: LSD
- Turmoil:: struggle
- Immense:: huge
- Guitar:: string
- Nonsense:: no
- Blame:: no
- Childlike:: innocent
- Duff:: Hillary
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #33
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Julie:: Andrews
- Emotional:: intellectual
- Head of household:: variable
- Diva:: self-importance
- Devastation:: disaster
- Business or pleasure:: travel
- Crown:: chakra
- Eastern:: religion
- Buzzed:: inebriated
- Officer:: gentleman
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #32
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Girlfriends:: boyfriends
- Here to stay:: our love
- Call me:: anytime
- Frustrated:: helpless
- Public school:: private school
- Glitch:: snafu
- Cheese:: melted
- Director:: Manager
- Pivotal:: crucial
- Exclusive:: inclusive
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #31
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Fan:: mail
- Scum:: bag
- Lily:: Loveday
- Humid:: unbearable
- Ghetto:: Chopper
- Remember me?:: i doubt it
- Polished:: composed
- Compose:: create
- Squish:: squash
- Future:: past
Monday, August 15, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #30
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Idiot:: stupid
- Rocket:: science
- Liability:: insurance
- Harmless:: as a fly
- Stringy:: hair
- Theater:: movie
- Gwyneth:: Paltro
- Use it or lose it:: aphorism
- Sonic:: boom
- Pucker:: up
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #29
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Complexion:: face
- Teach:: learn
- Back to school:: arrggh!
- Months:: 9
- Nominate:: figurehead
- Favorite curse word:: sh--!
- Concerned:: worried
- Better:: best
- Escalate:: out of control
- Unveil:: reveal
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #28
- Risks:: take
- Abdominal:: pain
- Radiant:: light
- The usual:: old ----
- Mix and match:: outfits
- Wireless:: internet
- Remedial:: classes
- Mile:: long
- Long lost:: friend
- Only one:: left
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #27
- Believing:: seeing is
- Invasion:: of privacy
- Boys:: girls
- Island:: paradise
- Repeatedly:: redundantly
- Normal:: abnormal
- Hex:: voodoo
- Tuxedo:: formal
- Virgin:: Mary
- Cereal:: breakfast
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Uninvited, Out of Bounds
"But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight"
~Alanis Morissette
My therapist cancelled my last scheduled appointment before we leave for CT to clean out my mom's apartment. I've been highly anxious, volatile, and ill, and was having an emotional day, needing the session. My therapist couldn't come because she scheduled an appointment before mine and her doctor was running late. I tried to find out if we could find time for another session before we leave but she had no time for me. In the course of our conversation, she mentioned that she was having a garage sale today. I got excited, knowing she'd be selling quality items and probably nice jewelry. I asked her when and where it was, but she wouldn't tell me, saying something about keeping our (therapist-patient) boundaries.
I found the probable address and time of the sale in the classified section of the paper. I really really really wanted to go.
Knowing that anyone in the world who wanted to go to this garage sale was welcome except for me made me cry more than I've cried in weeks. I kept sobbing, "It's UNFAIR! It's UNFAIR!" Because it was and is and ever shall be. I'm angry and depressed and crazy. I needed that session. And I needed to know that I could go out and do something fun, reminiscent of my former life, to feel like I'm not such a disabled shut-in, knowing that it would be fun and worthwhile going to that garage sale.
But I, I'm not allowed, I'm uninvited...an unfortunate slight...indeed. Another in a lifetime of rejections...
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight"
~Alanis Morissette
My therapist cancelled my last scheduled appointment before we leave for CT to clean out my mom's apartment. I've been highly anxious, volatile, and ill, and was having an emotional day, needing the session. My therapist couldn't come because she scheduled an appointment before mine and her doctor was running late. I tried to find out if we could find time for another session before we leave but she had no time for me. In the course of our conversation, she mentioned that she was having a garage sale today. I got excited, knowing she'd be selling quality items and probably nice jewelry. I asked her when and where it was, but she wouldn't tell me, saying something about keeping our (therapist-patient) boundaries.
I found the probable address and time of the sale in the classified section of the paper. I really really really wanted to go.
Knowing that anyone in the world who wanted to go to this garage sale was welcome except for me made me cry more than I've cried in weeks. I kept sobbing, "It's UNFAIR! It's UNFAIR!" Because it was and is and ever shall be. I'm angry and depressed and crazy. I needed that session. And I needed to know that I could go out and do something fun, reminiscent of my former life, to feel like I'm not such a disabled shut-in, knowing that it would be fun and worthwhile going to that garage sale.
But I, I'm not allowed, I'm uninvited...an unfortunate slight...indeed. Another in a lifetime of rejections...
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #26
- Tolerate:: accept
- Release:: me
- My soul:: thirsts
- Sax:: saxophone
- HP:: Hewlett Packard
- Worth:: value
- Rockstar:: fame
- Terrify:: frighten
- Knock me off my feet:: knock my sox off
- Taunt:: tease
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #25
- Do-it-yourself:: homemade
- Pickpocket:: thief
- Ballet:: grace
- Resumé:: job
- Phenom:: phenomenon
- Love/Hate:: relationship
- Unusual:: different
- Intense:: extreme
- Interruption:: unwelcome
- Not enough:: too much
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #24
- Statistics:: lies
- Grin:: frown
- Saturn:: return
- Fulfilled:: lucky
- Life plan:: unknown
- Cult:: satanic
- Lily:: tiger
- Stalemate:: stubborn
- Celebration:: observance
- Underwear:: optional
Unconscious Mutterings, #23
- Useless:: stupid
- Radiant:: dull
- W:: stupid
- Unpaid:: bills
- Geek:: nerd
- Unfaithful:: unforgiveable
- Reboot:: wait
- No!:: Yes!
- Squad:: mod
- Fetish:: pervert
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Life Ends
Conard, Annette Kennedy Hall. Annette H. Conard, of West Hartford, beloved wife of the late Frederick U. Conard, Jr., died at St. Francis Hospital on Thursday, (June 9, 2005). The daughter of the late Frederick Parrott and Virginia (Mullins) Hall, she was born September 6, 1922 in Orange, New Jersey. She moved from South Orange, New Jersey to West Hartford after her marriage to Frederick. Their marriage of fifty-seven years was blessed from the beginning. A graduate of Pratt Institute in Brooklyn, New York, Anne was a talented artist and graphic designer. Working as a free-lance artist, she designed a vast array of graphics for many publications and for many years volunteered to design and hand-draw the route map for the Hartford Art School's House and Garden Tour. She loved music, and was a talented singer. She sang in groups such as "The Better Half Notes" and the "Treble Clefs." She was a committed and valued member of the Hartford Art School Board. She was also a member of the Board of Directors of the American School for the Deaf and member of the Town and County Club and "Seed and Weed" Garden Club. A member of Asylum Hill Congregational Church, she participated in many church functions. She joined the Junior League of West Hartford, doing volunteer work and later became a sustaining member. She is survived by her son, Frederick U. Conard, III MD of West Hartford, and her daughter, Virginia Hall Conard, of Saratoga Springs, New York. Her predeceased grandson was Michael Frederick Conard also of West Hartford. She leaves her nieces and nephew, Kathy and Michael Minsch, and Cindy Martin. A Memorial Service will be held at 11:00 A.M. on Tuesday, June 14 at Asylum Hill Congregational Church, 814 Asylum Avenue, Hartford, in the main sanctuary. The family requests that memorial contributions be sent in loving memory of Annette Hall Conard and her beloved grandson Michael Frederick Conard, to:
Cystinosis Research Network
10 Pine Avenue, Burlington, Massachusetts 01803 USA
(Toll Free: 1-866-276-3669 Tel: (781) 229-6182
Fax: (781) 229-6182 E-Mail: CRN@cystinosis.org
The CRN Federal Tax ID # is 04-3323789)
Unconscious Mutterings, #22
- Domesticated:: animal
- Cask:: wine
- Wayne:: Newton
- Insidious:: untrustworthy
- Cool!:: Cool Beans!
- Dishwasher:: detergent
- Little house:: on the Prairie
- Stepford:: Wives
- Hung:: jury
- Falling:: down
Unconscious Mutterings, #21
- Wally:: Walla Walla, WA
- Phantom:: memory
- Slippery:: slope
- Fungus:: tree art
- Slot:: machine
- Type:: face
- Discharge:: papers
- "We need to talk”:: "Uh oh"
- On the spot:: Johnny
- Liquid:: paper
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #20
- Exhibit:: art
- Evolution:: creation
- Loser:: winner
- Hypnotic:: trance
- Unlikely:: likely
- Interrupt:: rude
- Ambivalent:: indecisive
- Rise and fall:: breath
- Indian:: Native American
- Prophecy:: Nostradamus
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #19
- Crowd:: ugly
- Hamburger:: hot dog
- Choker:: ribbon
- Lights:: bright
- Tinsel:: Christmas
- Testament:: New
- Best part of the day:: bunny time
- Election:: useless
- Clarinet:: practice
- Cake or death:: diabetes
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #18
- Heimlich:: maneuver
- Gesture:: empty
- Party:: favours
- Cuddle:: snuggle
- Room with a view:: I'd like to have one
- Sebastian:: Bach
- Ooooh:: dear
- Sigh:: relief
- Two fish, three fish:: four fish
- Cake or death:: diabetes
Monday, May 16, 2005
Life Goes On
Mommy's in the hospital again, having fallen 3x this week. The last fall gave her another TBI, and a big swollen black eye. It's been trauma central here, too many details to record...but today I woke up to this song in my head, which has stayed with me all day:
LIFE GOES ON
Life goes on beyond the tempest and the rain
Beyond the sorrow and the pain
Life goes on
Life goes on past disappointment and regret
When hope is all that we have left
Life goes on
The sun will rise another day
The flowers they will bloom again
The wind will sweep the clouds away and healing will begin
Life goes on
Life goes on past broken hearts and lonely nights
Beyond the darkness lies the light
And life goes on
Life goes on when all we thought we had was gone
We turn around and there's the dawn
Life goes on
The sun will rise another day
The flowers they will bloom again
The wind will sweep the clouds away and healing will begin
Life goes on
The sun will rise another day
The flowers they will bloom again
The wind will sweep the clouds away and healing will begin
Life goes on
~Victoria Armstrong
Thank you, D 'n' V, my friends. Your music and lyrics are a great gift.
Go to: http://www.donandvictoria.com/
LIFE GOES ON
Life goes on beyond the tempest and the rain
Beyond the sorrow and the pain
Life goes on
Life goes on past disappointment and regret
When hope is all that we have left
Life goes on
The sun will rise another day
The flowers they will bloom again
The wind will sweep the clouds away and healing will begin
Life goes on
Life goes on past broken hearts and lonely nights
Beyond the darkness lies the light
And life goes on
Life goes on when all we thought we had was gone
We turn around and there's the dawn
Life goes on
The sun will rise another day
The flowers they will bloom again
The wind will sweep the clouds away and healing will begin
Life goes on
The sun will rise another day
The flowers they will bloom again
The wind will sweep the clouds away and healing will begin
Life goes on
~Victoria Armstrong
Thank you, D 'n' V, my friends. Your music and lyrics are a great gift.
Go to: http://www.donandvictoria.com/
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #17
- Grandma:: Grandpa
- Pet:: Fur
- Desolate:: Isolated
- Backspace:: Key
- Common ground:: Sharing
- Storm:: Clouds
- Dark:: Light
- Water bottle:: Camping
- Training:: Program
- Dot coms:: Volatile
Monday, May 09, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #16
- Android:: robot
- Revenge:: poison
- Knight:: shining armour
- Stranded:: desert island
- Weakness:: strength
- Greed:: neverending
- Walter:: Reed
- Dense:: thick
- Sheep:: herd
- Propane:: tank
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #15
- Texas:: stupid
- Scholarship:: earn
- Runner-up:: sad
- Mustang Sally:: soul
- Jones:: Howard
- Hard to get:: play
- Jewish:: faith
- Crew:: cast
- Cable:: tv
- Assistant:: helper
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #14
- Detachment:: attachment
- Regard:: unconditional positive
- Community:: commune
- Strike three:: you're out!
- Congregation:: church
- Generous:: kind
- Pretention:: odious
- Pregnant:: pause
- Drinking:: alcoholic
- Brilliance:: radiance
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #13
- Great escape:: amusement
- Cluster:: grouping
- Wrong place, wrong time:: right place, right time
- Guided:: tour
- Forensics:: investigation
- Pros:: cons
- Safety deposit box:: valuables
- Quadrant:: northeast
- Precisely:: exactly
- Who are you?:: The Who
Monday, April 11, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #12
- Horrendous:: horrific
- Home video:: home movie
- What a girl wants:: love
- Grounded:: fog
- Trusting:: naive
- Simplistic:: incomplete
- Buzz:: bee
- Balcony:: edge
- Roar::lion
- Hooker:: pimp
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #11
- Renewal:: Hope
- Someone to talk to:: Necessary
- Count:: Dracula
- Expiration:: Inspiration
- Upload:: Download
- Publish:: Public
- Holy:: Spirit
- Change in the air:: Refresh
- Titillating:: Exciting
- Glorious:: Appearing
Sunday, March 27, 2005
What Mood Are You In?
You Are In a Good Mood |
 Today, you're feeling pretty together and happy. While not everything is going you're way, you're keeping things in perspective. And it seems like things are looking up for you! |
Unconscious Mutterings, #10
- I’m waiting:: for you
- Speak:: woof!
- Roger...:: wilco
- Knock knock:: who's there?
- Hybrid:: Prius
- Can’t believe my eyes:: OMG
- Hooked:: on you
- Pontificate:: politician
- Slime:: bucket
- Unwelcome:: welcome
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Incomplete Tarot Reading-Right On So Far...
The Ancient Tarot
What's in the cards for you?
Gini, we're going to start your reading with the second card you picked, Death.
Present
The card you picked in the second position represents your current state of life. Approximately 90% people who pick The Death card in the second position say that it accurately matches what's happening at the present time. This card symbolizes transformation and rebirth. Right now, in your present, you're in a phase of complete transformation. Getting this card in this position is a sign that you're ready to...
**************************
(All I know is that I'm *not* ready to spend $20 to find out!)
~tease by Tickle.com
What's in the cards for you?
Gini, we're going to start your reading with the second card you picked, Death.
Present
The card you picked in the second position represents your current state of life. Approximately 90% people who pick The Death card in the second position say that it accurately matches what's happening at the present time. This card symbolizes transformation and rebirth. Right now, in your present, you're in a phase of complete transformation. Getting this card in this position is a sign that you're ready to...
**************************
(All I know is that I'm *not* ready to spend $20 to find out!)
~tease by Tickle.com
The Ideal Relationship Test
Which Relationship is Right for You?
Gini, the thing you need most in a relationship is Deep Connection
In your ideal relationship you and you partner would be deeply and passionately connected. This sense of intimacy is really important for you. As is the need for certain rules and an understanding of who wields the power in your relationship. But regardless of how this works, your deep need for this kind of closeness will ultimately drive your relationship.
Other possible results:
Connection and Partnership
Deep Connection
Flexible Independence
Quiet Stability
Steady Comfort
~courtesty of Tickle.com
Gini, the thing you need most in a relationship is Deep Connection
In your ideal relationship you and you partner would be deeply and passionately connected. This sense of intimacy is really important for you. As is the need for certain rules and an understanding of who wields the power in your relationship. But regardless of how this works, your deep need for this kind of closeness will ultimately drive your relationship.
Other possible results:
Connection and Partnership
Deep Connection
Flexible Independence
Quiet Stability
Steady Comfort
~courtesty of Tickle.com
What Mood Are You In?
You Are Depressed |
 No doubt about it, you're feeling very down. Maybe you've had a bad day, or maybe you need help. Either way, make sure to take good care of yourself right now. |
What Age Do You Act?
You Are 31 Years Old |
31 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
What Kind of Friend Are You?
You Are A Good Friend |
 You're always willing to listen Or lend a shoulder to cry on You're there through thick and thin Many people consider you their "best friend"! |
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #9
- Stink:: smell
- Renewal:: regrowth
- I remember...:: precious love
- Loneliness:: isolation
- Ooooh:: dear
- For real:: truly
- Titanium:: colors
- Get down:: get up
- Rupture:: bleed
- Dramatic:: powerful
Ask the young, they always know everything
~Chinese proverb
WHAT IS LOVE?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint
her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time,
even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8
========
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You
just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
========
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
========
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French
fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
========
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
========
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
========
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and
Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily - age 8
========
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening
presents and Listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
========
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend
who you hate." Nikka - age 6 >>
========
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday." Noelle - age 7
========
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
========
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked
at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He
was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
========
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else
kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
========
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine- 5
========
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
========
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone
all day." Mary Ann - age 4
========
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
========
"When you love somebody, your eye lashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you." Karen - age 7
========
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you
mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
========
A four year old child whose next door neighbor was an
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man
cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his
lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to
the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
========
What does love mean to YOU?
WHAT IS LOVE?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint
her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time,
even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8
========
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You
just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
========
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
========
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French
fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
========
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
========
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
========
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and
Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily - age 8
========
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening
presents and Listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
========
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend
who you hate." Nikka - age 6 >>
========
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday." Noelle - age 7
========
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
========
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked
at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He
was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
========
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else
kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
========
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine- 5
========
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
========
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone
all day." Mary Ann - age 4
========
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
========
"When you love somebody, your eye lashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you." Karen - age 7
========
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you
mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
========
A four year old child whose next door neighbor was an
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man
cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his
lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to
the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
========
What does love mean to YOU?
Saturday, March 12, 2005
The Enneagram Test
The Enneagram Test
What the Ancient Science of Personality Says About You
Gini, you're a Type 1 - The Idealist
Friends, family, and colleagues probably appreciate you for both your high standards and commitment to excellence. They're also apt to know that when they come to you with a problem, they can trust you to be fair and objective. As an Idealist, you're likely to be seen as a wise and balanced person with strong integrity.
Being a member of this type puts you in good company. Jane Fonda with her knack for athletic ideals and commitment to standing up for just causes, and Ralph Nadar, with his idealistic determination as a consumer advocate, are also Type 1s.
This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you have a strong sense of what's right and wrong. In fact, you're someone who is typically committed to doing the right thing and making sure you're as good a person as you can be — no matter what situation arises.
Possible results:
Type 1 - The Idealist
Type 2 - The Humanitarian
Type 3 - The Entertainer
Type 4 - The Expressive
Type 5 - The Experimenter
Type 6 - The Advocate
Type 7 - The Adventurer
Type 8 - The Leader
Type 9 - The Negotiator
~courtesty of Tickle.com
What the Ancient Science of Personality Says About You
Gini, you're a Type 1 - The Idealist
Friends, family, and colleagues probably appreciate you for both your high standards and commitment to excellence. They're also apt to know that when they come to you with a problem, they can trust you to be fair and objective. As an Idealist, you're likely to be seen as a wise and balanced person with strong integrity.
Being a member of this type puts you in good company. Jane Fonda with her knack for athletic ideals and commitment to standing up for just causes, and Ralph Nadar, with his idealistic determination as a consumer advocate, are also Type 1s.
This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you have a strong sense of what's right and wrong. In fact, you're someone who is typically committed to doing the right thing and making sure you're as good a person as you can be — no matter what situation arises.
Possible results:
Type 1 - The Idealist
Type 2 - The Humanitarian
Type 3 - The Entertainer
Type 4 - The Expressive
Type 5 - The Experimenter
Type 6 - The Advocate
Type 7 - The Adventurer
Type 8 - The Leader
Type 9 - The Negotiator
~courtesty of Tickle.com
Friday, March 11, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #8
- Shape up:: or ship out
- New Orleans:: Mardi Gras
- In the bedroom:: I live
- All the time:: is running out
- Philosophy:: psychology
- Tyler:: Liv
- Disturbed:: perturbed
- French kiss:: Meg Ryan, Kevin Kline
- Solidify:: pact
- Furtive:: sneaky
Hope
you rise like a wave in the ocean
and you fall gently back to the sea
now i want to know how to hold you
return to me
return to me
you shine like the moon over water
and you darken the sky when you leave
now i want to know how to keep you
return to me
return to me
turn to me
return to me
everything i tell you has been spoken
and everything i say was said before
but everything i feel is for the first time
and everything i feel i feel for you
i am here calling the wind
i am here calling your name
i am here calling you back
return to me
return to me
i know what it means to be lonely
and i know what it means to be free
now i want to know how to love you
return to me
return to me
i am here calling the wind
i am here calling your name
i am here calling you back
return to me
return to me
~October Project - Return To Me
and you fall gently back to the sea
now i want to know how to hold you
return to me
return to me
you shine like the moon over water
and you darken the sky when you leave
now i want to know how to keep you
return to me
return to me
turn to me
return to me
everything i tell you has been spoken
and everything i say was said before
but everything i feel is for the first time
and everything i feel i feel for you
i am here calling the wind
i am here calling your name
i am here calling you back
return to me
return to me
i know what it means to be lonely
and i know what it means to be free
now i want to know how to love you
return to me
return to me
i am here calling the wind
i am here calling your name
i am here calling you back
return to me
return to me
~October Project - Return To Me
Friday, February 25, 2005
As sung by Michael McDonald and Amy Holland
"All I Know"
I bruise you, you bruise me
We both bruise too easily, too easily to let it show
I love you and that's all I know.
All my plans have fallen through,
All my plans depend on you, depend on you to help them grow,
I love you and that's all I know.
When the singer's gone let the song go on,
It's a fine line between the darkness and the dawn.
They say in the darkest night there's a light beyond...
But the ending always comes at last,
Endings always come too fast,
They come too fast but they pass too slow...
When the singer's gone let the song go on,
It's a fine line between the darkness and the dawn.
They say in the darkest night there's a light beyond...
But the ending always comes at last,
Endings always come too fast,
They come too fast
But they pass too slow,
I love you, and that's all I know.
That's all I know, all I know, and that's all I know.
~(Jimmy Webb)
I bruise you, you bruise me
We both bruise too easily, too easily to let it show
I love you and that's all I know.
All my plans have fallen through,
All my plans depend on you, depend on you to help them grow,
I love you and that's all I know.
When the singer's gone let the song go on,
It's a fine line between the darkness and the dawn.
They say in the darkest night there's a light beyond...
But the ending always comes at last,
Endings always come too fast,
They come too fast but they pass too slow...
When the singer's gone let the song go on,
It's a fine line between the darkness and the dawn.
They say in the darkest night there's a light beyond...
But the ending always comes at last,
Endings always come too fast,
They come too fast
But they pass too slow,
I love you, and that's all I know.
That's all I know, all I know, and that's all I know.
~(Jimmy Webb)
Monday, February 21, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #7
- You’ve got a friend:: Carol King
- Immigration:: migration
- Waitress:: tip
- Snickers:: bar
- Recognize:: know
- Concept:: realize
- Birthday:: happy
- Told you so:: childish
- Unlikely:: not impossible
- Extension:: cord
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #6
- Dirty work:: Steely Dan
- Shopkeeper:: Owner
- Goodness:: Evil
- Yearning:: Suffering
- Show and tell:: Grade school
- Trapped:: No exit
- Malcolm:: X
- Season:: to taste
- Bestseller:: NY Times
- Desk:: Top
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #5
- Judge:: jury
- Detroit:: Mitch Ryder
- Hyphen:: punctuate
- Get it right:: get it wrong
- Pulsating:: throbbing
- Yoga:: peace
- Memorable:: precious
- Financial advisor:: helper
- Ten million:: dollars
- I:: II
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #4
- Shelter:: Gimme
- Karate Kid:: Crane
- Andrew:: Jackson
- Rib:: Adam's
- Push it:: pull it
- Creep:: crawl
- Chainlink:: fence
- Squash:: zucchini
- No mercy:: no love
- Superhero:: cartoon
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #3 for Me
- Coroner:: loss
- Mystify:: obfuscate
- Corroborate:: help
- Misinterpret:: hurt
- Humorless:: lifeless
- Calculus:: beyond me
- Eye for an eye:: blind
- CPR:: Crosby, Pevar & Raymond-wonderful!
- Stitched:: thread
- Facility:: ease
Sunday, January 23, 2005
Unconscious Mutterings, #2
- Material world:: Madonna
- Satin sheets:: luxury
- Blizzard:: whiteout
- Real estate:: sale
- Dress up:: go out
- Wesley:: Nursing Home
- Robber:: thief
- Saliva:: drool
- Slave:: labour
- Shift:: gears
(see link below)
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Fun with Verbal Inkblots
A weekly association game-don't overthink!
Link to: Unconscious Mutterings
- Yoda:: wise
- Mensa:: smart
- Pink:: girls
- Text message:: phone
- Galactic:: immense
- Chicks:: Chirpy
- Quesadilla:: warm cheese
- Backpack:: hike
- Socket:: electricity
- Compromise:: peace
Link to: Unconscious Mutterings
Monday, January 17, 2005
Waiting for the Storm...
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
I'm Glad We're from the Same Planet
|
You Are From Neptune |
 You are dreamy and mystical, with a natural psychic ability. You love music, poetry, dance, and (most of all) the open sea. Your soul is filled with possibilities, and your heart overflows with compassion. You can be in a room full of friendly people and feel all alone. If you don't get carried away with one idea, your spiritual nature will see you through anything. |
Monday, January 10, 2005
|
You Are a Visionary Soul |
You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend. You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul |
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
LIKE BILL GATES?!
My IQ has increased recently, as has Brian's--although he's still in a higher realm...
Last time I took the IQ test at Tickle.com my score was 120 something...lower than I'd expected. This time the result was:
"Your IQ score is 133
Your Intellectual Type is Facts Curator. This means you are highly intelligent and have picked up an impressive and unique collection of facts and figures over the years. You've got a remarkable vocabulary and exceptional math skills — which puts you in the same class as brainiacs like Bill Gates. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results."
OK, wise guys, "SHOW ME THE MONEY!" ;-)
Last time I took the IQ test at Tickle.com my score was 120 something...lower than I'd expected. This time the result was:
"Your IQ score is 133
Your Intellectual Type is Facts Curator. This means you are highly intelligent and have picked up an impressive and unique collection of facts and figures over the years. You've got a remarkable vocabulary and exceptional math skills — which puts you in the same class as brainiacs like Bill Gates. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results."
OK, wise guys, "SHOW ME THE MONEY!" ;-)
Thursday, October 14, 2004
ABB
Saturday, October 09, 2004
Once Again, We're Identical Bunnies (same Geek score)!!!
I AM 29% GEEK!  You probably work in computers, or a history deptartment at a college. You never really fit in with the "normal" crowd. But you have friends, and this is a good thing. |
Friday, October 01, 2004
The Kerry-Bush Debate, or How Can Bush Supporters Be So Stupid? (maybe it rubs off) or What I Want In A U.S. President
Here are some reasons why Kerry should be declared winner of tonight's Presidential debate, and furthermore, why he will make a much better President than Bush:
Kerry displayed far more dignity in his demeanor and response to criticism than Bush. Kerry was a convincing and articulate speaker, and has always pronounced the word "nuclear" correctly. For a President of the United States to speak haltingly, using poor grammar and incorrect pronunciation, is a travesty. During nearly every point Kerry made, Bush frowned, looking angry or frustrated (poor loser). When Bush made a negative reference to Kerry, Kerry made notes and either kept a neutral face or even smiled. Kerry's overall behavior was much more Presidential than Bush's.
These are but a few of the reasons I feel Kerry deserves to be named winner of tonight's Presidential debate.
As a citizen of the United States, I want a President who IS dignified, educated, and well-versed in political and military issues (for example, someone who has been a Senator, been a good student, taken his/her military duty seriously and courageously--someone who is capable of reading and even writing a book). The President of the United States SHOULD be ready, willing, and proactive in establishing (re-establishing, in this case) peaceful relationships with other countries (e.g., all of our former allies whom Bush has alienated). He or she should NOT be a maverick, jumping the gun, ignoring pubic opinion (everyman, not just the rich elite), ignoring the UN, refusing to join the International Criminal Justice system, taking away his own country's citizens' constitutional rights, bankrupting the country in record-breaking time, denouncing scientific research which could cure disease and help recover our crippled environment, and using the terrorist attack of one group to, unprovoked, invade a wholly different and unrelated country. Tonight John Kerry showed that he could be a TRUE President, not the sorry excuse we've had during the past couple of years (when Bush wasn't on vacation).
President Bush is an example of the worst kind of politician. Rich, privileged, spoiled, stupid, uneducated, lazy, untrustworthy, spiteful, prejudiced, stubborn, and without conscience. He is responsible for the pain, tragedy, and death of our young people who have had to go to war for ALL the wrong reasons. Not to mention the masses of innocents from other countries who have been killed in this so-called war. Bush represents the eye-for-an-eye mentality...but that only causes everyone to end up blind.
Kerry displayed far more dignity in his demeanor and response to criticism than Bush. Kerry was a convincing and articulate speaker, and has always pronounced the word "nuclear" correctly. For a President of the United States to speak haltingly, using poor grammar and incorrect pronunciation, is a travesty. During nearly every point Kerry made, Bush frowned, looking angry or frustrated (poor loser). When Bush made a negative reference to Kerry, Kerry made notes and either kept a neutral face or even smiled. Kerry's overall behavior was much more Presidential than Bush's.
These are but a few of the reasons I feel Kerry deserves to be named winner of tonight's Presidential debate.
As a citizen of the United States, I want a President who IS dignified, educated, and well-versed in political and military issues (for example, someone who has been a Senator, been a good student, taken his/her military duty seriously and courageously--someone who is capable of reading and even writing a book). The President of the United States SHOULD be ready, willing, and proactive in establishing (re-establishing, in this case) peaceful relationships with other countries (e.g., all of our former allies whom Bush has alienated). He or she should NOT be a maverick, jumping the gun, ignoring pubic opinion (everyman, not just the rich elite), ignoring the UN, refusing to join the International Criminal Justice system, taking away his own country's citizens' constitutional rights, bankrupting the country in record-breaking time, denouncing scientific research which could cure disease and help recover our crippled environment, and using the terrorist attack of one group to, unprovoked, invade a wholly different and unrelated country. Tonight John Kerry showed that he could be a TRUE President, not the sorry excuse we've had during the past couple of years (when Bush wasn't on vacation).
President Bush is an example of the worst kind of politician. Rich, privileged, spoiled, stupid, uneducated, lazy, untrustworthy, spiteful, prejudiced, stubborn, and without conscience. He is responsible for the pain, tragedy, and death of our young people who have had to go to war for ALL the wrong reasons. Not to mention the masses of innocents from other countries who have been killed in this so-called war. Bush represents the eye-for-an-eye mentality...but that only causes everyone to end up blind.
Friday, September 24, 2004
More Writing in the Guise of Therapy
I CAN'T CRY
I can't cry while it's too serious
I can't cry in order to be strong
To be of help I have to be a rock
I hope this doesn't last too long
I can't cry when I have to help
I can't cry because everything's gotten worse
From bad to critical, chronic to acute
I feel as though we're under a curse
I can't cry while things are so bad
I can't cry, I have to hold it in
It's just too much, it's overwhelming
I wish it could change but chances are slim
I can't cry even though I so need to
I can't cry while I cling to desperate hope
Because this is going to last for so long
I build a fortress around me to stay strong
I can't cry while the one I love suffers
I can't cry as the injury lingers
This is so much worse than it ever was before
She is oblivious, unknowing, can speak no more
I cannot cry, I'm afraid of the deluge
I cannot cry because I feel I'd lose it then
This is the long term, a loss I have feared so long
I cannot cry because I must remain strong
With memory gone, everything is so wrong
And I can't cry.
© Virginia H. Conard
LOST AND ALONE
You've gone away, through injury
Your voice is flat, you rarely speak
And when you do you are confused
Unable to express yourself
Your thoughts arise, you start to talk
But then before the words begin
Your idea fades and you forget
What you began to start to say
And then you struggle with the words
Desperate to hold the thought
But by that time it fades away
Leaving frustration in its wake
Your memory is almost nil
Until I mention something, then
at times you can remember bits
and pieces of what brought you here
The next time that we speak I hear
the emptiness, confusion there
Everything we spoke about
has gone away, nothing remains
When I explain what's happening
The what and why and what's to be
You're so confused, you simply say,
"Why are you saying all this to me?"
We're in a foreign territory
Where everything is uncharted
You don't understand, don't remember
I don't know how I can help
Beneath the empty affect I know
that the love is always there
But it's so hard to hear you struggle
Frustrated, just lying there
Lost and alone.
© Virginia H. Conard
**********************************
The following came to me after having a number of recurrent dreams/dreams with recurrent themes and characters from my past. My guess is that these images represent issues waiting for resolution. After having EMDR and partial exposure, they hide naked and ready to flash through my unconscious until more work is done to put these ghosts to rest...
ASTRAL UNFINISHED BUSINESS
I must have some kind of unfinished business
Or otherwise I'd not be dreaming of you
The you that I dream of I know is symbolic
But the dramas we play speak of issues not through
The stars of these dreams are spare and selective
A limited few among legions from past
An understudy will sometimes come calling
The norm, though, are regular leads in the cast
The primary torment is from the most recent
I follow him, seeking him, need him to want me
Behavior unchanged, he mistreats me again
And in these dreams he constantly taunts me
Another lead actor is one of the first ones
He offers me new hope of love's second chance
Behavior controlled, never showing emotion
He turns away quickly, dysfunctional dance
The other main characters switch unpredictably
Once I had come home from being away
In love, we planned to be living together
Upon my return I choose apart the way
The guilt this produces is painful and sad
Empty and lonely, I desperately seek you
But you are unreachable, cold, or don't want me
My broken promise ensuring that we're through
The cycle of unfinished business begins again
Our first leading man unexpectedly back
He comes and goes as he pleases, as ever was
With parties and women, using all the esteem I lack
The mystery here is that you won't just go away
In these realms you have magnetic field
Drawing me to you in spite of your callousness
You throw me a bone, like a puppy I yield
I thought that in waking time this was all finished
I told you to leave, having endured enough
I finally saw there was nothing romantic
You just took advantage and I called your bluff
I don't understand why in dreams you all haunt me
My waking life wonderful, all I could wish for
My love is forever, eternal and sacred
To live with one's soulmate is never to want more
This said, and knowing that dreaming is metaphor
Why do you torment me night after night?
These unresolved issues disturb fragile psyche
And all I want now is to set things right
So all of these ghosts will say "good night."
© Virginia H. Conard
********************************************
And now some lyrics from Alanis Morissette which are relevant both to the above and to the situation with my family:
THIS GRUDGE
(by Alanis Morissette)
Fourteen years
thirty minutes
fifteen seconds I've
held this grudge
Eleven songs
four full journals
thoughts of punishment
I've expended
Not in contact
not a letter
such communication
telepathic
you've been vilified
used as fodder
you deserve a piece
of every record
But who's it hurting now?
Who's the one that's stuck?
Who's it torturing now
with an antique knot in her stomach?
I want to be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
all this time I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us
Like an abandoned house
dusty covered
furniture
still intact
If I visit it now
will I simply re-live it
somehow gratuitous
But who's still aching now?
Who's tired of her own voice?
Who is it weighing down
With no gift from time of said healing
I want to be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
all this time I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us
Maybe as I cut the cord
veils will lift from my eyes
Maybe as I lay this to rest
dead weight off my shoulders will rise
Here I sit
much determined
ever ill-equipped
to draw this curtain
how this has entertained
validated
and has served me well
ever the victim
But who's done whining now
Who's ready to put down
this load I've carried
longer than I had cared to remember
I want to be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
For the life of me I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us
I can't cry while it's too serious
I can't cry in order to be strong
To be of help I have to be a rock
I hope this doesn't last too long
I can't cry when I have to help
I can't cry because everything's gotten worse
From bad to critical, chronic to acute
I feel as though we're under a curse
I can't cry while things are so bad
I can't cry, I have to hold it in
It's just too much, it's overwhelming
I wish it could change but chances are slim
I can't cry even though I so need to
I can't cry while I cling to desperate hope
Because this is going to last for so long
I build a fortress around me to stay strong
I can't cry while the one I love suffers
I can't cry as the injury lingers
This is so much worse than it ever was before
She is oblivious, unknowing, can speak no more
I cannot cry, I'm afraid of the deluge
I cannot cry because I feel I'd lose it then
This is the long term, a loss I have feared so long
I cannot cry because I must remain strong
With memory gone, everything is so wrong
And I can't cry.
© Virginia H. Conard
LOST AND ALONE
You've gone away, through injury
Your voice is flat, you rarely speak
And when you do you are confused
Unable to express yourself
Your thoughts arise, you start to talk
But then before the words begin
Your idea fades and you forget
What you began to start to say
And then you struggle with the words
Desperate to hold the thought
But by that time it fades away
Leaving frustration in its wake
Your memory is almost nil
Until I mention something, then
at times you can remember bits
and pieces of what brought you here
The next time that we speak I hear
the emptiness, confusion there
Everything we spoke about
has gone away, nothing remains
When I explain what's happening
The what and why and what's to be
You're so confused, you simply say,
"Why are you saying all this to me?"
We're in a foreign territory
Where everything is uncharted
You don't understand, don't remember
I don't know how I can help
Beneath the empty affect I know
that the love is always there
But it's so hard to hear you struggle
Frustrated, just lying there
Lost and alone.
© Virginia H. Conard
**********************************
The following came to me after having a number of recurrent dreams/dreams with recurrent themes and characters from my past. My guess is that these images represent issues waiting for resolution. After having EMDR and partial exposure, they hide naked and ready to flash through my unconscious until more work is done to put these ghosts to rest...
ASTRAL UNFINISHED BUSINESS
I must have some kind of unfinished business
Or otherwise I'd not be dreaming of you
The you that I dream of I know is symbolic
But the dramas we play speak of issues not through
The stars of these dreams are spare and selective
A limited few among legions from past
An understudy will sometimes come calling
The norm, though, are regular leads in the cast
The primary torment is from the most recent
I follow him, seeking him, need him to want me
Behavior unchanged, he mistreats me again
And in these dreams he constantly taunts me
Another lead actor is one of the first ones
He offers me new hope of love's second chance
Behavior controlled, never showing emotion
He turns away quickly, dysfunctional dance
The other main characters switch unpredictably
Once I had come home from being away
In love, we planned to be living together
Upon my return I choose apart the way
The guilt this produces is painful and sad
Empty and lonely, I desperately seek you
But you are unreachable, cold, or don't want me
My broken promise ensuring that we're through
The cycle of unfinished business begins again
Our first leading man unexpectedly back
He comes and goes as he pleases, as ever was
With parties and women, using all the esteem I lack
The mystery here is that you won't just go away
In these realms you have magnetic field
Drawing me to you in spite of your callousness
You throw me a bone, like a puppy I yield
I thought that in waking time this was all finished
I told you to leave, having endured enough
I finally saw there was nothing romantic
You just took advantage and I called your bluff
I don't understand why in dreams you all haunt me
My waking life wonderful, all I could wish for
My love is forever, eternal and sacred
To live with one's soulmate is never to want more
This said, and knowing that dreaming is metaphor
Why do you torment me night after night?
These unresolved issues disturb fragile psyche
And all I want now is to set things right
So all of these ghosts will say "good night."
© Virginia H. Conard
********************************************
And now some lyrics from Alanis Morissette which are relevant both to the above and to the situation with my family:
THIS GRUDGE
(by Alanis Morissette)
Fourteen years
thirty minutes
fifteen seconds I've
held this grudge
Eleven songs
four full journals
thoughts of punishment
I've expended
Not in contact
not a letter
such communication
telepathic
you've been vilified
used as fodder
you deserve a piece
of every record
But who's it hurting now?
Who's the one that's stuck?
Who's it torturing now
with an antique knot in her stomach?
I want to be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
all this time I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us
Like an abandoned house
dusty covered
furniture
still intact
If I visit it now
will I simply re-live it
somehow gratuitous
But who's still aching now?
Who's tired of her own voice?
Who is it weighing down
With no gift from time of said healing
I want to be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
all this time I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us
Maybe as I cut the cord
veils will lift from my eyes
Maybe as I lay this to rest
dead weight off my shoulders will rise
Here I sit
much determined
ever ill-equipped
to draw this curtain
how this has entertained
validated
and has served me well
ever the victim
But who's done whining now
Who's ready to put down
this load I've carried
longer than I had cared to remember
I want to be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
For the life of me I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us
Palm to Palm: We are SO Soulmates!
This fun little questionnaire tells you which OS you most resemble--I took it and lo and behold: Bri & I are both Palms...a lovely tree to be!
Which OS are You?
Which OS are You?
Sunday, August 22, 2004
High School (that was then) and Therapy (this is now)
When I was in high school, I used to write "poetry" (all rhyming quatrains) about my adolescent extremes. My dad even showed some of my work to a poet and former professor of his from college (sweet proud father that he was). The poet's polite comment was something like, "Very emotive. Her poems express the angst of youth. No doubt they will mature with time." Or something like that. In other words, these poems are the stuff of a silly high school girl imagining she is confronting the most important philosophical and emotional issues possible, when actually she is merely expressing typical feelings of adolescence.
That was then; this is now. The following are a series of "poems" and writings which arose out of an assignment given to me by my therapist. Once I started writing, I found a seemingly endless well of topics for emotional purging. Here are some of them (in order, from first to latest):
LETTING GO
Letting go means living in the present moment
Letting go implies forgiveness of oneself and others
Letting go is a process which can be profoundly painful
Letting go, achieved fully, grants unbounded freedom
In order to let go we're often taken to the darkest places
Hated faces, self and others, sisters, brothers
Memory chases, time displaces
The darkness overwhelms
We keep on clinging
Each past slight stinging
Sorrow bringing
Memories of long past
Poison that should not last
True and full forgiveness
For past and for present
Is a monumental work of a lifetime
Only when forgiveness
Is present in every moment
Will letting go be possible
To rid us of our torment
For clinging to what was, what is, what shall be
What could be, what has been, and all the things we can't see
This is what prevents us from letting go, from being free
To let go of the clinging allows us to fully be
Once we see how to let go
We know how free that we can be
Being present all the time
Calls for practice in awareness
Once aware, letting go
Can lead us to a life sublime.
© Virginia H. Conard
HELPLESS
Helpless, I can do nothing
to fix or change or assist
Now when I need to do something
time and space resist
Though even could I be there
so little could I do
but place a bandaid somewhere
and hope we will get through
The endless repetition
slogging symptoms, consequence--
Seems no reiteration
can shatter mind's defense
My heart is breaking slowly
I hang on in denial
The pain and panic show me
the magnitude of trial
I know that I should detach
I know that I should let go
Attachment will not dispatch
the suffering that I know
But loving you my whole life
to see you disintegrate
makes my grasp grow stronger
knowing that it's too late
I want to fly right to you
to help your inability
but even were I right there
I'm helpless in my disability
I hear the slow decline
like distant shattering of glass
The emptying of the wine
as all we know must pass
But still the tears won't stop
as if there were no end
to the aching in my heart
knowing loss of my best friend
The memories of a lifetime
clamor with the grief of now
The depth of sorrow nameless:
To helplessness I bow.
© Virginia H. Conard
LETTING GO REVISITED
Letting go as an intellectual exercise
is easy to rationalize
sounds difficult but attainable
makes sense, is explainable
The truths that we come to know
tell us that letting go
starts with ridding of clinging
and ends with absence of suffering
To speak this way
shows we know what to say
But the proof we can start
lies within every heart
When tragedy strikes
or our heart is pulled under
all the logic we'd like
disperses asunder
And we're left with our tears
wounds open and bleeding
Apex of our fears
on misery feeding
Now where are the lofty ideals we espoused?
We gathered them to us, our heads in the clouds
But rip the heart open and watch logic fail
When our heart has been broken it's a different tale
Of course, the goal is to bring them together
Doubly strong, to withstand any weather
To rid us of clinging, help us let go
Free us of suffering so we fully know
But when we're in pain
and logic's in vain
the balance we seek
is easier to speak
[Easier said than done]
© Virginia H. Conard
DENIAL
Is not just a river in Egypt
Is not just a concept from psychology
Is not something easily tamed
Is not without its benefits
Is protecting, pretending, preventing
Is a childhood temper tantrum, "NO!"
Is a way of insulation and rejection
Is containment of forces which threaten to overwhelm
Is a stage of grief
Is ultimately healthy to go through
Is avoidance which helps us deal
Is a coping strategy which has its time and place
Is what I need when I'm crazy
Is panacea but not remedy
Is helpful for desperate circumstances
Is something which ultimately must be overcome
Has helped me to keep it together
Has kept me from falling apart
Has saved me when I thought I'd lose it
Has given me time to accept
Will slowly give way to acceptance
Will return the moment I need it
Will eventually recede into the past
Will flow away downstream
© Virginia H. Conard
That was then; this is now. The following are a series of "poems" and writings which arose out of an assignment given to me by my therapist. Once I started writing, I found a seemingly endless well of topics for emotional purging. Here are some of them (in order, from first to latest):
LETTING GO
Letting go means living in the present moment
Letting go implies forgiveness of oneself and others
Letting go is a process which can be profoundly painful
Letting go, achieved fully, grants unbounded freedom
In order to let go we're often taken to the darkest places
Hated faces, self and others, sisters, brothers
Memory chases, time displaces
The darkness overwhelms
We keep on clinging
Each past slight stinging
Sorrow bringing
Memories of long past
Poison that should not last
True and full forgiveness
For past and for present
Is a monumental work of a lifetime
Only when forgiveness
Is present in every moment
Will letting go be possible
To rid us of our torment
For clinging to what was, what is, what shall be
What could be, what has been, and all the things we can't see
This is what prevents us from letting go, from being free
To let go of the clinging allows us to fully be
Once we see how to let go
We know how free that we can be
Being present all the time
Calls for practice in awareness
Once aware, letting go
Can lead us to a life sublime.
© Virginia H. Conard
HELPLESS
Helpless, I can do nothing
to fix or change or assist
Now when I need to do something
time and space resist
Though even could I be there
so little could I do
but place a bandaid somewhere
and hope we will get through
The endless repetition
slogging symptoms, consequence--
Seems no reiteration
can shatter mind's defense
My heart is breaking slowly
I hang on in denial
The pain and panic show me
the magnitude of trial
I know that I should detach
I know that I should let go
Attachment will not dispatch
the suffering that I know
But loving you my whole life
to see you disintegrate
makes my grasp grow stronger
knowing that it's too late
I want to fly right to you
to help your inability
but even were I right there
I'm helpless in my disability
I hear the slow decline
like distant shattering of glass
The emptying of the wine
as all we know must pass
But still the tears won't stop
as if there were no end
to the aching in my heart
knowing loss of my best friend
The memories of a lifetime
clamor with the grief of now
The depth of sorrow nameless:
To helplessness I bow.
© Virginia H. Conard
LETTING GO REVISITED
Letting go as an intellectual exercise
is easy to rationalize
sounds difficult but attainable
makes sense, is explainable
The truths that we come to know
tell us that letting go
starts with ridding of clinging
and ends with absence of suffering
To speak this way
shows we know what to say
But the proof we can start
lies within every heart
When tragedy strikes
or our heart is pulled under
all the logic we'd like
disperses asunder
And we're left with our tears
wounds open and bleeding
Apex of our fears
on misery feeding
Now where are the lofty ideals we espoused?
We gathered them to us, our heads in the clouds
But rip the heart open and watch logic fail
When our heart has been broken it's a different tale
Of course, the goal is to bring them together
Doubly strong, to withstand any weather
To rid us of clinging, help us let go
Free us of suffering so we fully know
But when we're in pain
and logic's in vain
the balance we seek
is easier to speak
[Easier said than done]
© Virginia H. Conard
DENIAL
Is not just a river in Egypt
Is not just a concept from psychology
Is not something easily tamed
Is not without its benefits
Is protecting, pretending, preventing
Is a childhood temper tantrum, "NO!"
Is a way of insulation and rejection
Is containment of forces which threaten to overwhelm
Is a stage of grief
Is ultimately healthy to go through
Is avoidance which helps us deal
Is a coping strategy which has its time and place
Is what I need when I'm crazy
Is panacea but not remedy
Is helpful for desperate circumstances
Is something which ultimately must be overcome
Has helped me to keep it together
Has kept me from falling apart
Has saved me when I thought I'd lose it
Has given me time to accept
Will slowly give way to acceptance
Will return the moment I need it
Will eventually recede into the past
Will flow away downstream
© Virginia H. Conard
In Bed, Where Else?
Now I Know Why I Don't Blog More Often
The past few times I've tried to make entries, I've poured out my creative energies. I've used wit and wisdom, and I've typed in long passages, from dreams to poems to general musings.
AND THEY ALL DISAPPEAR BECAUSE I HIT THE WRONG BLOODY KEY BEFORE I CAN SAVE, PUBLISH, OR POST THEM!
(In honor of Joss Whedon): GRRRR, ARRGGHH!!!
AND THEY ALL DISAPPEAR BECAUSE I HIT THE WRONG BLOODY KEY BEFORE I CAN SAVE, PUBLISH, OR POST THEM!
(In honor of Joss Whedon): GRRRR, ARRGGHH!!!
Sunday, July 11, 2004
Ascension Dreamform
Ascension
A FRAGMENT OF A DREAM 7/11/04 (Daddy's Birthday):
I was to be in some sort of graduation ceremony. It was winter; there was snow on the ground. The building in which the ceremony was to take place was an old stone church, with a high arched ceiling. The hall was very long and open to the outside. I arrived shortly before the service, to find the climate in the building very cold. With others helping, we rushed to light fires in small furnaces spaced closely along each side of the large hall. The building warmed just in time for the ceremony. A large congregation gathered, among which were Mommy & Daddy, and (grudgingly) Rick; Pattilynn was too busy to come. I rushed to the front and climbed the large stone steps up to the area where an altar would be, although I don't remember one; I think there was a large, crude stone shelf at the very front of the rounded area. Without speaking, I slowly turned away from the crowd and toward the front. At this point, I felt my body transform into a grey, slightly transparent etherial shape, much like a fluid outline of legs, arms and head. Once this transformation was complete, I was drawn upward, floating toward the top of this domed area. I'm not sure but seem to recall that there was something there at the top. The feeling was of a transcendent, mystical experience. It was almost as if I was proving something to the crowd, or myself, or passing some kind of test.
Then I floated back to the floor of this area, turned, and began speaking to the crowd. To my dismay and disappointment, the crowd had taken my return to the ground as a cue to disperse, and they were all talking at once; my voice merely blended in and commanded no attention. When I finally was able to raise my voice enough to be heard and tell the crowd that I had something to say, most had already left. A paltry few remained, among which were Mommy & Daddy. Rick said he was busy and had things to do and left. I don't recall what it was that I was going to say, or whether I indeed gave my speech (or whether I gave up).
The dream continued on...something about going out to eat to celebrate, and sorting out transportation, then which route to take, etc. The weather outside had turned into a warm, sunny late spring day, with flowering trees. The significant element of the dream, however, was what I felt was the mystical experience of transforming into the nearly shapeless form which floated/was pulled upward. It felt important.
I was to be in some sort of graduation ceremony. It was winter; there was snow on the ground. The building in which the ceremony was to take place was an old stone church, with a high arched ceiling. The hall was very long and open to the outside. I arrived shortly before the service, to find the climate in the building very cold. With others helping, we rushed to light fires in small furnaces spaced closely along each side of the large hall. The building warmed just in time for the ceremony. A large congregation gathered, among which were Mommy & Daddy, and (grudgingly) Rick; Pattilynn was too busy to come. I rushed to the front and climbed the large stone steps up to the area where an altar would be, although I don't remember one; I think there was a large, crude stone shelf at the very front of the rounded area. Without speaking, I slowly turned away from the crowd and toward the front. At this point, I felt my body transform into a grey, slightly transparent etherial shape, much like a fluid outline of legs, arms and head. Once this transformation was complete, I was drawn upward, floating toward the top of this domed area. I'm not sure but seem to recall that there was something there at the top. The feeling was of a transcendent, mystical experience. It was almost as if I was proving something to the crowd, or myself, or passing some kind of test.
Then I floated back to the floor of this area, turned, and began speaking to the crowd. To my dismay and disappointment, the crowd had taken my return to the ground as a cue to disperse, and they were all talking at once; my voice merely blended in and commanded no attention. When I finally was able to raise my voice enough to be heard and tell the crowd that I had something to say, most had already left. A paltry few remained, among which were Mommy & Daddy. Rick said he was busy and had things to do and left. I don't recall what it was that I was going to say, or whether I indeed gave my speech (or whether I gave up).
The dream continued on...something about going out to eat to celebrate, and sorting out transportation, then which route to take, etc. The weather outside had turned into a warm, sunny late spring day, with flowering trees. The significant element of the dream, however, was what I felt was the mystical experience of transforming into the nearly shapeless form which floated/was pulled upward. It felt important.
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
Hommage à Alanis
IT'S NOT FAIR
To say “it’s not fair”
Implies order in chaos
To feel “it's not fair”
Is just comparison
Just wanting it to be fair
Is presumptive and hopeless
If it is fair to me
It is unfair to others
When we were young
they tried to teach us to be fair
to be kind to all
and they would in return care
But behind the rhetoric
Unfairness cuts to the core
And even the world agrees
“All’s fair in love and war”
To say “it's not fair”
Is a form of self-pity
To feel “it’s not fair”
Says “the world owes me something”
Wanting it to be fair
Is idealistic, naïve
For it to be fair
To me is unrealistic
To say “it’s not fair”
Is the role of the victim
To feel “it’s not fair”
Causes anger and ill will
In wanting it to be fair
It’s all disappointment
If it is fair to me
I shouldn't expect more of it
Through life we now
See few things that are fair
Those who would cheat
Are the ones who win First Prize
Cut in line, run the sign
Be first at all cost
Any sense of fairness
Is all but long lost
To say “it's not fair”
Won’t do anything but harm
To feel “it's not fair”
Fosters ugly resentment
In wanting it to be fair
We upset the balance
It only is fair for us
By taking away from them
--© lyrics by VHC
To say “it’s not fair”
Implies order in chaos
To feel “it's not fair”
Is just comparison
Just wanting it to be fair
Is presumptive and hopeless
If it is fair to me
It is unfair to others
When we were young
they tried to teach us to be fair
to be kind to all
and they would in return care
But behind the rhetoric
Unfairness cuts to the core
And even the world agrees
“All’s fair in love and war”
To say “it's not fair”
Is a form of self-pity
To feel “it’s not fair”
Says “the world owes me something”
Wanting it to be fair
Is idealistic, naïve
For it to be fair
To me is unrealistic
To say “it’s not fair”
Is the role of the victim
To feel “it’s not fair”
Causes anger and ill will
In wanting it to be fair
It’s all disappointment
If it is fair to me
I shouldn't expect more of it
Through life we now
See few things that are fair
Those who would cheat
Are the ones who win First Prize
Cut in line, run the sign
Be first at all cost
Any sense of fairness
Is all but long lost
To say “it's not fair”
Won’t do anything but harm
To feel “it's not fair”
Fosters ugly resentment
In wanting it to be fair
We upset the balance
It only is fair for us
By taking away from them
--© lyrics by VHC
Saturday, May 29, 2004
Soulmate
Friday, May 28, 2004
From Kathy's Song
Sounds of Silence
Originally uploaded by gincon.
And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you
And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go I
--Simon & Garfunkel: Sounds of Silence, 1966
